If Star Trek Were Real
By Lia!
If Star Trek were real
How would I feel?
This I would like to explore
If I flew thru the skies
On the Enterprise
Life would never be a bore
When feeling like a nervous wreck
I could go to the holodeck
And dream away my cares
And when life got too hard
I could talk to Picard
Even though he has no hairs
And about him there’s an incongruity
That’s very much confusing me
And that I feel I should mensh
Jean-Luc’s manner and accent are both things which
Make him appear quintessentially English
Yet for some unknown reason he claims to be French
And he might, I’m afraid
Make a soap-box tirade
That would make me want to spew
But I could hope
To help me cope
We would get a visit from Q
To deflate Jean-Luc’s anthropocentricity
And, furthermore, his dignity
And to make things more alive
And for comic relief
And to lessen our grief
Q might give him a big grey beehive
Q’s number one
He’s outrageously fum
His character’s truly divine
But I don’t understand, I fail to see
How an immortal omnipotent entity
Could have a receding hairline
But, still, his antics make me feel great-a
But now I will visit Commander Data
And chat about his android life
And oh what a notion
To have no emotion
To feel neither stress nor strife
And now it does seem
That Data can dream
So while resting he never gets bored-y
Our chat being through
I bid Data adieu
And go and talk to Geordi
Now Geordi’s the guy
With the non-seeing eyes
His visor helps him keep his grip
It helps him to see
But it seems to me
To be just a banana clip
Anyway, I find this man
Flirting with a hologram
Thinking his love to be grand
I tell him "get real!
That’s no way to feel
It’s no better than using your hand"
And since I think Geordi is being a dorf
I leave him behind and cling on to Worf
Who’s always stewing for a fight
He talks of honour, Klingon style
Then talks of killing with a smile
And I make a rapid flight
I run so fast (I’m such a rusher)
I run right into Dr. Crusher
And sprain my ankle as I strike her
She makes me okay
Back in sick bay
And as I leave I meet up with Riker
He’s with his sex toy
Counsellor Troi
Whose body suits are cheezy
And we all know Riker
Wants to spike her
‘Cause their both so cheap and sleazy
And since Riker I truly abhor
His cheap sexual exploits are hard to ignore
I think it would be grand
If Captain Picard – not intending to kill
Were to order the crew to fire at will
And the crew were to misunderstand
But I leave Riker behind
And laugh in my mind
Thinking him quite absurd
And now I will usher
In Wesley Crusher
That do-gooder, boyscout and nerd
His love life is sad
It’s pathetically bad
He fell for a small furry creature
But the reason, you’ll discover
Is his overbearing mother
His Oedipus complex teacher.
But things on the ship are getting stranger
Counsellor Troi is sensing danger
A danger which can’t be ignored
By big square ships we are being attacked
Several federation ships have already been cracked
We’ve come face to face with the Borg
Now among the Borg being assimilated
Has been highly overrated
From loss of personality who would,t run?
It happened to Jean-Luc, but don’t be cross
For him it wasn’t that much of a loss
He never did know how to have any fun
And on one episode the Enterprise crew
Found a borg and named it Hugh
But I think they should have named him Bjorn
And taught him, to amuse us for a while
To say resistence is futile
With a Swedish accect night and morn
Back to the tale a battle ensued
The Borg’s behavior was extremely rude
They tried to assimilate the entire crew
Many starfleet personel had fell
It felt like we were all in hell
But then from out of nowhere appeard Q
First Jean Luc raves
We’ll go to our graves
Before asking Q to help – What disgrace
The Borg attack again the ships in trouble
So Jean-Luc has second thoughts on the double
So he grovels to Q and Q blasts the borg across space
So now I’ve said enough of that
So I’ll visit the one with the pizza-tray hat
Yes, of coarse, I’m certainly speaking of Guinan
She never gets bored
Tending bar in Ten Forward
And listening to all the crews whinin’
Though eyebrows she has none
She still can be quite fun
Her company I can enjoy
But the best, most outrageous
Who makes fun contageous
Has got to be Lwoxana Troi
Wait, I misconstrue
She’s mot more fun than Q
But could give him a run for his money
Between them I’m confused
As to who I would choose
As being more irrepressibly funny
And it makes me delirious
When the crew gets too serious
So I’ll leave them all behind
Bid the enterprise adieu
And take off with Q
Perhaps we’ll go to Deep Space Nine. . .
