I bought Tori Amos new cd, "From the Choirgirl Hotel" today... I have yet to listen to it. I can not tell you how excited I am. Right now, I'm just drowning in the amazing pictures in the booklet, and the words to the new songs I have yet to meet and say "hi" to. Instead, I have been listening to the Jarboe tape Jessica sent me... it is an odd feeling to wait for the bus calmly, and have a woman howl NOW blow your BRAINS out repeatedly in your head. Not at all unpleasant though. In fact, it's quite addictive. It makes me want to run up on a stage and dazzle people. Or frighten them. Possibly both 8)

Other than that, I completed my english final. I only have one more to go, now, and that is not until tomorrow. In my final for english, I had to write an essay. I chose to write of Tori Amos and Kate Bush, showing their differences in lifestyles, vocalizations, use of instruments, and lyric styles. I don't know if I pulled it off. Either way - no more poo english teacher. hehehhehe.

*shrug* I'm... off. I hope to finish reading "Another day in paradise" by Eddie Little tonight. Not much else to do :>

I want to go swimming, but I have no fins.

Wednesday, May 6 Little Amsterdam In a southern town hominy get it on the plate girl Momma keep your head down Momma it wasn't my bullet don't take me back to the Range I'm just comin out of the cell in my brain girl you got to know these days which side your on Tori Amos, Little Amsterdam (Boys for Pele). I can see you go "ugh, not ANOTHER TORI QUOTE!"... well. Too bad for you :) I'd like to note that the quote that usualy starts these entries off isn't necessarily something I'm listening to right that minute... instead, I use it as a mood setter for myself. Singing Little Amsterdam in my head makes me feel humid and slow, like I'm sitting in the woods with sweat running down as I contemplate life on the porch in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes, I just need a few words up there to make me want to type some words down of my own. It may not always be a quote that seem to make sense, especially not if you're not familiar with the song in question, but hey... it's my diary, and I'll sing if I want to... :)

Yesterday was a bit more fun than I had anticipated, I'm glad to say... After a long day mostly waiting for buses (I got jumped at a bus stop by some woman "Hmm you seem familiar, do you go to the Triangle church? - No, I believe in faeries."), I was picked up and brought "home" by Aziza around 5.30. After being asked if I wanted to go to campus and do nothing, I thought of my other options ("studying", "studying", and "studying" [i.e. NOTHING.]), I agreed, and off we went (after I had a really really incoherent phone convo with Jesse. I'm telling you, I am not meant for the phone. If I'm not incoherent when we start talking, I'm sure I'll find ways to make it so. I also hate phonecalls, because I dread the moment it gets silent and uncomfortable and time to hang up.). I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but my main goal was to get there and find a computer to get online from. I succeeded. I did... nothing, but write pathetic e-mails to people, and read Jessica's diary. Eventually, Aziza and I left to meet Gene, spent half an hour there, went to Aziza's younger sister Sarah's friend Nout's school and picked them both up. (Hehehe, I wonder how well you could follow THAT one.) All of us decided to go back "home" and watch Dawson's Creek. STOP GASPING FOR AIR. No, I don't follow that show. However, the man who wrote the script for "Scream" also wrote Dawson's Creek, and yesterday he'd written a special horror episode, so I had to watch. It was actually GOOD. We all freaked many times, and I even screamed slightly twice. I'm a sucker for bad surprises. Heh, I'm a sucker for scary stuff, PERIOD. After that, we had a real yummie dinner that Aziza's mom had cooked for us (two kinds of vegetarian lasagna, I thought I'd died and gone to food heaven). I did get interrupted by Jesse calling (I was very proud, it was my first phonecall since I got to Aziza's house. [the previous one was him calling back to Aziza, but she was in the shower. Why am I clarifying these petty details? Who knows :]). It had to do with me sending multiple e-mails to him requesting he think of something we could do tonight, as school would be out for me, but not for Aziza, who has to study, and me - nothing to do. I hate asking people to do stuff with me, rejection bothers the hell out of me, and Why WOULDN'T they say no? I'm not that freaking' interesting. Blah. But I managed to talk him into it. We'll see if we can actually think of anything to do, heh. :> I think Tori needs a box of her own.

Tori. I went to bed (well, techincally, I went to couch ;) at 11 pm, with no intention of going to sleep. Instead I plugged Aziza's portable cdplayer in, plugged her big ass headphones into it, plopped my new Tori cd "From the Choirgirl Hotel" in, pressed play, turned all lights off, snuggled up with my blanket, and listened. Oh.My. It is breath taking. It is very far from her old albums, and yet it is playing tag with them in songs like "Jackie's Strength" and "PlayBoy Mommy". Raspberry Swirl scared the shite out if me with it's dance sound and her "Let's Go!", but in a good way... She's playing with all the knobs on the mixing table, ripping off the labels that used to say "For Radiohead and the likes only", letting her vocals rise and sink faster than my mood sometimes, singing in strange rythm patterns that would send a lot of vocalists off into outer space with no ship to rescue them. I.like.A.Lot. :)

Keeping with the Tori theme, I dreamt I got to attend a concert with her. I was sitting beneath the actual stage, it was a giant construction, much like a cement parking garage building, and I could see her through the gaps of some sort of stairs that were above us (we had snuck in). Somehow Tori looked down, saw me, said something, and lowered the part where she was sitting (It was much like a space bubble on a piedestal) down to where I was at. She smiled, had a chit chat with me, signed a strange photo of her I had, and I asked her if she thought "Tear In Your Hand" might drop by and say hi. She said she had no doubts about that, Tear in Your hand is a song that has wanted the limelight a lot this past tour, squeezed my hand, and was elevated again. Once up there, she sang all songs while peering down at me, and that's when... ... my alarm clock went off. 5.50 am. Ecki.

That's it. I just finished my last final. I FINISHED MY LAST FINAL. My grades won't be spectacular, but I've learnt my lesson. Next semester I actually -want- to do well in school. All I have left to do now is to get my visa signed so I can leave the country, register for next semester, and finish up some homework for Personal and Social development class. Then I'm off to hopefully do something fun with that person.

Boys and toys and girls with their fins Wankers and preachers and Women with heels Girls in their dresses and boys with their shields Doctors and lawyers and men in black jeans Shark in the grass and Me lacking fins. Me. Hehhhh. I'm a firm believer that I would be perfect if only I had... fins.

OH! I also made up a version of Tori's "Hey Jupiter" to use if I ever get to have a phone answering machine in the future, or voicemail again: No one's picking up the phone Guess it's you and you And this little phone machine Are you ready to confess All the things that I need to know from you Hey Jupiter Would you leave your name And your phone So I can get back to you when I'm home Hey Jupiter. I NEVER SAID it was good. It was 7.30 am on a bus, give a girl a break :)

A little... warning? Disclaimer? Something. As I don't think I'll be back in school after today (seeing as it's, y'know, OVER), my postings in the immediate future will appear rather sparse and irregular =( I apologize in advance. It's simply because I won't have a computer handy. I'm going back home to Sweden on may 20, it's should get better after that. Honest. :)

Friday, May 8 We'll I'm not seventeen but I've cuts on my knees Falling down as the winter takes one more cherry tree She's been everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own Everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own Tori Amos, Girl (Little Earthquakes).

Taken out = a nasty e-mail I sent someone that should have never been in here in the first place. I apologize to you, and to me.

Wednesday afternoon I met up with Jesse to celebrate to myself that SCHOOL's OUT. We went rollerblading, and I'm mighty proud - I managed to get uphill twice in this parking garage... this means, I can skate, sort of, but I still lack the ability to... brake. Hehe. Kind of vital ;) I LOVE wearing pads, though! I am deeply in love with the wristpads, especially, but the knee- and elbow pads blow my mind too. I'm gunna try and get people to buy stuff like that for my birthday, and I'll wear them daily, rollerblades or no rollerblades. I'm so clumpsy, I need it, hehe. In two days I've managed to rip off some skin on my left pinky, and scratch my right knee up. Clumpsy clumpsy. Heheh. Foolishly I had left my shoes in the trunk of his car... I can not fully describe the stench that met us when we opened it. It led to a quick drive over to a small mall, and me actually SHOPPING FOR SHOES. Me. Shopping. For. Shoes. Heh, I was completely lost in that shoe store. Eventually Jesse found a plain black pair of sports shoes on sale for $11. They amazingly enough fit, so I left and paid for them. I got the salesman to throw away the box and clip off the tags and hand me the shoes as they were. I bought brand new non smelly socks, sat outside and put them on. I'm pretty sure I had a serene look on my face doing it too. When the transformation of foot wear was done, I picked the smelly fiends up and threw them away, laughing and grinning like a fool. After that we played some videogames, and went to see L.A Confidential at the dollar theater. Granted I supposedly saw it last weekend, but as it turned out, I'd slept through over 80% of the movie. It is SUCH a good movie! I'm so psyched to see it again, although I guess we'll have to rent it since it stopped playing. A good movie shoot out is enough to get me really bouncy and exstatic, it's something to do with amazingly choreographed scenes of intense looking actors firing weapons and throwing themselves to dodge bullters. In this movie, it was -amazing-. The colours, the sounds, the clothes, the actors... it gave it such a rich feel. I loved it, much how I love the movie The Untouchables. Seeing as the movie ended a bit after midnight, we were hungry. We went to a small place called Henry's. We've been there before, I quite like it, but the food... Well, let's just say 5 tinsy pieces of olive bread with gummi like mozzarella cheese didn't quite measure up to it's price, $5.25. And then he drove me home and I went off to bed and slept till noon yesterday morning.

Yesterday I apparently (I asked Aziza coz I couldn't remember ;) went out and ate with her and Gene, went and sold books at the book store, went to the Union and checked my e-mail (with the above Jesica mail..), dropped Gene off (Bye bye Gene, see you after the summer :), went back home... watched tv. We screamed a lot during the season finale of Friends. Many many many funny twists. Sit com's. Hehh. :)

After a good night's sleep, I woke up and read almost 100 pages from Eddie Little's Another day in Paradise. That book GRABS me, the language is so harsh and yet it makes sense. Brutal, and still... I don't know. I never want it to end, but I want to finish it tomorrow. Me and Aziza are having a luxurious day out. We went and had bagels at Brueggers, went to her lawyer and got a check for an accident she was in, and went to a book store she used to work at (I bought this book with photo's of Frida Kahlo [Mexican artist], an essay about her and a short time line. I'm in love with this book, intimidated and yet fascinated by the pain in her work and her eyes. When a book feels like a punch in the gut after only 3 paragraphs, you know it's good.) We got back into Chapel Hill, parked, started walking towards this lab... and she bought me the prettiest pale pink rose. AwWWwWw! 8) Tonight we're gunna go watch Deep Impact, I'll go throw my mattresses away, and then, uh, who knows. Tomorrow we're gunna go see Grease and As Good As It Gets at the dollar theater, eat well, feel rich. I'm glittery all around my eyes and on my eyelids, and my lips are shamelessly red. My legs are bare and pale, my t-shirt is thin and clean, my frog earring is in place, and my hair is so red, so red. This warm day has been nothing but utter joy. *sigh* I feel... calm. Well. Radiant. Enormous. Me.

I... miss Jessica with me, though. Jessica - my warm soft bunny ears are wrapped around you always, at least mentally.

Saturday, May 9 And now I speak to you are you in there You have her face and her eyes But you are not her And we go at each other like blank ettes Who can't find their thread and their bare Can't stop loving Can't stop what is on its way And I see it coming And it's on its way Tori Amos, Bells for Her (Under the Pink)

This diary is taking some time off. No posts until I get back to Sweden, which means - after may 20'th. Why? After today's entry, I need to take some time off and think about me and ... this. Yesterday I put an e-mail in here (it's removed by now) from Jesica that hurt me quite a bit, for reasons I haven't explained here, nor to my friends, I realize. It lead me to send back an e-mail to her to try and hurt HER, and then my childish hurt stupid FUCKED UP BITCH side decided to put it all up for people to see. It went against all I thought I stood for. Who the hell am I to all of a sudden start fighting things in public with people who can't defend themselves, nor see it? Yes. It is a diary. But my conscience and my sense of things have always helped me before. Whenever something hasn't gone my way, I try not to mention it too detailed here, or I skip it all together. It's how I am. I don't do THAT. And yet I did it. This whole situation set my best friends off worried about me. I realize how little I have told them, and I am left wordless, because I don't know how to show them me again. After the lab yesterday, things went crazy. An enormous tree branch had fallen down onto Aziza's driveway, so we couldn't drive up to the house. As we left to go see Deep Impact, her dog ran after the car, out onto the freeway, a fraction of a second from being hit by a large truck before our eyes. At the theater, we couldn't find Jesse, and didn't buy him a ticket, since it seemed he wouldn't make it. I wait outside for him while the movie starts, he shows up, and the movie's... sold out, so he leaves. Inside, we sit in a saloon with an empty seat next to us. The movie sends me off on a depression. Scared of death, scared of tidal waves, scared of space, scared of humans, scared of not having anyone there, scaring of having people there and losing them. As we got home late in the evening, the tree branch was still there. We had to walk through grass and whatnot in the dark to get to the other side. I had a severe panic attack. I had to pace back and forth in their living room for 10-20 minutes, desperately stuffing chips and chocolate into my mouth to keep my teeth from ratteling. I hyperventilated. My knees shook. They thought I had lost it. I had. I haven't had a panic attack in a few months, I thought maybe I was getting better. Now my burning spot is back in my stomach. My neck hurts. My stomach is in a knot. My nerves are so tight they feel like they're going to snap. And I feel like I've lost the one person I've felt the closest to in my entire life. I know I haven't. I just feel like I'm back to the usual me again, the one who screws everything up. Why do you think I so often say I can't handle in real life? I can't handle conflict. I can't handle being close to people, I want to be so close to them and love them and them to love me and then I screw it up because I can't handle waiting for something else to happen to grab me away from them. I don't know what's me anymore. The past month has been so un real. Nothing has been as it was supposed to, people left, people came, I'm constantly afraid I'll say something so people will see who I really am and leave me. I'm taking time off from this till after I come home. I don't know where I'll stand with myself or people then either. Maybe the 3 upcoming months of complete solitude will prove something. I just know that burning spot is back.

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