slap them boys
when they're naughty
make them crawl,
make you haughty
make you strong
little girl
you paint them toes
that reddish color

and you know one day
you're gonna be bigger
than a flea
you're gonna be bigger than
that old poison ivy tree

Tori Amos, Frog On My Toe.

I'm gunna see Tori Again.

I am wearing this today.

I'm fine, though, just had a sudden impulse to mess the pic up.

I'm walking
in the city at dark
remembering
remember light
thinking of nothing but
the shooting stars

and this world tonight
is mine
a world to be remembered in
think I'm a
faded photograph
my hair is longer than
its ever been

PJ Harvey, The Sky Lit Up.

I'm going shoe shopping with Jesse later today. Gee. The sad thing is, I'm not doing it because I'm having a sudden urge to get new shoes - I'm doing it because my one and only pair of shoes is disintegrating into shreds on my feet.

I had a private party saturday night. It was just me and Zelda, my mermoid mannequin head.

We had a lot of fun. I ate almost 3 quartz worth of icecream, had plenty of horrid fake margaritas with far too much tequila in them to be yummie, danced wildly in the livingroom to music that I refuse to confess I own.

We watched several movies from the 80's I happen to adore, such as Wargames, Ghostbusters II, Dune, Shortcircuit I AND II, and some unnamed thing with a nerd and a poopular girl hanging out at the night of the prom because they didn't have dates for various reasons, and ended up necking in a car, to Miss Jennie's delightment and awe.

It's sad what can get a girl going.

After a few hours I got into a frightful cleaning mania, and cleaned up the kitchen/organized out kitchen ware and pots and pans, while imagening I was Billy The Kid. OKAY, so I was listening to the Young Guns II soundtrack. Yeehaw.

I can't quite explain her - I don't think I know her well enough to do that. However, she has wanted to meet you guys now for quite some time, and share some of her views, so for once, i am going to let her.

5. Fat, Ugly, Single, Depressed Girls HATE thin fucking pretty girls who giggle and have nice boy/girlfriends and are so happy and nice FUCK IT.

In my platforms
I hit the floor
Fell face-down
didn't help my brain out

Then the baby came
before I found the magic
how
to keep her happy
I never was the fantasy
of what you want
Wanted me to be

Tori Amos, Playboy Mommy

You know you stink at a class when you take a midterm and sweatily hopes that you'll at least get a C-. That subject for me is.. Science Oddyssey. I hope I get a C-.

Okay so I went to the 1000 or so signs that you are Tori obsessed list and read through it (again) just.. to make sure I'm not. The most embarrassing signs I had to say yes too: (and many of them I left out, heh)

• You twist, pump and grind your computer chair as you type

• Every time you open a music merchandising catalogue, always wondering if there may be any Tori stuff in it, you first check under Amos, Tori then under Tori Amos, just in case.

• Your friends know the whole sTori of Tori's life and what inspired each of her songs, and they don't even like Tori

• You can pick an image [of her] that you dont have quickly because you have them all memorized

• You have a Tori related tattoo

• You dream of being a d-j for a radio station and only play Tori-related songs.

• You pick your favorite song and wish Tori could cover it (My wish: "Last Night I Dreamt... " By The Smiths)

• Whenever you see a picture of Tori in a magazine, You scream and go crazy until someone else wants to look too

• You make sure that all of your friends know who Tori is, even though they probably can't stand her

King Solomons' Mines
Exit 75
I'm still alive
I'm still alive
I'm still alive

Tori Amos, Hotel

I have always had quick mood swings - I'm used to it. I guess lately it's just been swinging a little bit too fast, dipping a bit too far down and a bit too high up on the scale than it usually does. I don't think it's terribly worrysome, It'll level off I'm sure, but for the time being it causes me stress, confusion and a sense of being drained.

It has enhanced things in me - it feels like I spend most of my days now feeling stressed about having to constantly be around people, trying to "figure them out", wonder how they view me, wonder why they view me the way they do, wonder why they view me at all. I have also become very egocentric - not that I don't think about anyone else all day long, but it feels like if I had a chance I could talk about myself for 72 hours straight and still not have gotten anywhere in figuring me out.

It feels like I'm using everyone around me as some sort of therapeutic outlet, and I'm hating that, so instead I bite my lips shut from the inside to stop myself from blurting out "Yeah well once I.." or anything else that feels plain selfish when I want to listen to what someone else has to say.

I don't feel I can be a good friend right now, because I can't seem to focus on anything or anyone else long enough before wanting to bring myself into focus again. I feel like a selfish pig, and every night I try to tell myself that "tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be toned down, tomorrow I'll try real hard and be different, I'll speak lower, I'll be quiet more while others talk, I won't interrupt, I'm going to be a nice, mellow person and things will never ever go wrong and I won't ever feel like I'm stupid and insensitive again", and then.. that doesn't happen, and I end up chewing my foot as usual.

Am I getting through? It frustrates me to be this focused on myself. The only place where I feel I have a right to talk and talk and talk is here, and that I haven't been able to, or let myself do in so long. I can't help but think there is some sort of conclusion about myself I'm trying to reach, some revelation that I'll stumble upon while going through all my memories and standpoints and feelings. I have no idea what it is I expect to blurt out while I'm talking about myself, nor what it is supposed to do to make me feel more sane and able to move on (move on? I don't even know from what. Dammit.)

A few days ago I was thinking about maybe finding a therapist or something, because I really, really need to talk, talk and talk and talk and not feel like I'm being selfish because it's all about me, but for one I know I could never afford it, a second thing is - I doubt I'd feel comfortable with someone I don't even know - I'm worried I'd spend time trying to figure out what they want to hear, trying to entertain them, and thirdly... I don't think it is what I want, to sit someplace for an hour and talk - it's too structured or something.

Hmm. Maybe I should buy a tape recorder and a shit load of tapes, and just talk talk talk talk talk to myself in my room for as many hours as "it" will take? The sad thing is that seems like a sane option right now.

I think part of why I feel like poop is because I'm not too happy with the way I look. But then again I'm not willing to do much to change it. Instead I'll settle for doing stupidass things like dying my hair crayon red (saturday) and then feel uncomfortable when everyone stare. Lately I've felt horrible because I'm so pale. I wouldn't even say it's a nice pale - in a lot of lighting I just look really horrid, my colours are so off and poo.

See? This is what I can spend a day thinking about: The shade of my skin, the colour, shape and thickness of my eyebrows, are my hands really disproportionate? (which will lead to me trying to catch a look of my hands in the bus drivers mirror, doing different things like holding something, making a fist etc to see how it looks from a different perspective), are my lips mis shapened?

(note how i haven't even mentioned "i'm the fattest grossest icky whale posing as a human to ever waddle the earth".)

China
all the way to New York
I can feel the distance
getting close
You're right next to me
But I need an airplane
I can feel the distance
as you breathe

Tori Amos, China

Yeah yeah lots of graphics and brand new ugly colour scheme. Sorry. Really. I just felt like splurging a bit. :)

I never was there
was there when it counts
I get my way
you're so like me
You seemed ashamed
ashamed that I was
A good friend of American
soldiers
I'll say it loud
here by your grave
Those angels can't ever
take my place

Tori Amos, Playboy Mommy

Last thursday I saw a man get on 'my' bus, and all I could think what "Damn, I'm going to marry that guy". Now, for the record, I use the term "marry" quite often, and quite, quite loosely, about anything from a real good meal, to random people in real life, and on the telly. Nothing new. ANYWAYS.

I spent most of the trip glancing at him in the driver's mirror, because he was sitting across my aisle, and it was more fun than glancing out the window on things I've passed twice a day for 6-7 months. All I concluded was that he reminded me of David Spade, same hair, but less sharp features. Brown eyes? Hell if I can remember - he was across the aisle.

(Meanwhile, my brain got really paranoid, because whenever I think about somebody physically present, I get paranoid that they can hear my thoughts and are secretly laughing their asses off, and so I tried not to look or think things too frequently, and I made sure to throw in some manufactured thoughts too to throw him off in case he WAs braindropping, like "BTW if you can hear this, don't ever, ever let me know coz then I would die of embarrassement. Actually, if you CAN hear this, DO let me know so I know for sure. You know what? I don't CARE if you can listen in on my thoughts, you should be FLATTERED you're occupying my brain at the moment. Piss off.")

He got off on "my" stop, and I watched him walk off. I sighed a little, I don't know why, but I just.. liked the way he walked. When I got home I told everybody "I just saw a guy I'm gunna marry on the bus!". As expected, I got several "again?" replies, but still. I just felt I _had_ to tell them.

So I was sitting on the bus again yesterday, trying to find a good position to rest my head in, when the bus stops and... "David Spade" got on the bus. Immediately my brain started to giggle, but I kept myself terribly calm because I was still in the mood from yesterday's diary entry. I kept thinking "sit in this section! Sit in this section! Don't go way back in the bus waaaaah" as he passed me and.. sat down on the seat behind me, or rather, on the aisle seat diagonally behind me. Me, I'm a window girl. But anyways.

Same thing as last week. My brain jumping up and down, and me a bit frustrated coz, you know, I can't exactly turn around and stare, so I just settled for doing irrational things like dig for my notebook and draw monster doodles, writing things on my hands and in between my fingers (I love writing words and phrases following the inside of my fingers, because you can't see it from above, only if I move my fingers around), changing position a billion times, reapplying my twilight lipstick, polishing my shades... all to pretend I was just riding the bus, and not aware of the guy behind me (makes zero sense, I know, but alas... )

And then my brain snapped.

"I dare you [myself] to turn around after the next bend and speak to him."
"Excuse me?"
"Go on! Speak to him! If nothing else, he'll have something fun to tell people about when he gets home 'this weird psycho girl harrassed me on the bus - why does this always happen to me?', I mean it's not like he'll (hopefully) spit on you"
"But.. um.. what do I say? Noooo! 'HI I wanna marry you?'"
"Um, okay, um, NO! Ask him something normal. HURRY, the bend is getting closer!"
"DAMMIT I will ask him something, then!"

The Convo, at least large snippets
M= Me, D= Spade..

M: Could I ask you something?
D: *startled* Sorry?
M: Could I ask you something?
D: Sure..
M: What do you work with? [well.. it's something.]
D: What do.. how do you mean?
M: What you do, what is your job?
D: OH.. Um, I'm a teacher.
M: Oh. Cool!

I turn back again coz... I don't wanna seem pushy, but then.. NOoo... more.

M: What do you teach?
D: Oh I teach physics.
M: *mumbeling like a psycho* Physics? Oh it figures, I had a feeling it'd be something like that. I should get you as a tutor.
D: You want me as a tutor?
M: NO, sorry, I was just rambeling, I just failed my science midterm that's all.
D: Well physics is just what I happen to be doing right now, I have many different interest fields, I just happen to be teaching this semester.. [My note: Now he was rambeling a bit, like trying to.. not impress me, but I dunno, engage in more conversation? If I didn't know better, I'd say he was trying to keep my attention, and make sure I didn't judge him as a physics geek, but really.. I know better.]

D: 90.7
M: Excuse me?
D: I listen to 90.7 a lot.
M: I'm sorry, I never listen to the radio so I don't know what that is..
D: Hrm.. it's WNCU... your school's jazz station. [Another note: A-HA! I never said I was from Central! The only time he could have picked THAT up was if he saw the cover of my note book, which would mean all that time I spent pretending I was doing nothing, he at least glanced. hrmph.]

M: Oh, btw, I spend a lot of my time on buses, so in order to keep myself entertained, I try and figure people's jobs and things out [Flat out lie. But hey, what was I going to say? "I'm a bit deranged and I think you so cute gaa gaa"?]
D: Oh.. yeah okay.. so what did you think I worked with?
M: Well, I didn't think it'd be an office, because your hair is slightly longer than I'd expect, and your clothes are a bit more casual, but still clean and nice and all that... at one point I was thinking something like "Kinkos?" (insert D. groans), but then I thought "naah..". Then I thought maybe you were a geek, but then again if you were you would have worn a t-shirt or something, so no on that one too.. (insert D. smiles).. teacher makes sense. Oh, btw, my name is Jennie. What's yours?
D: David. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

And then I grinned for an hour.

Damn I wish I
was your lover
I'll rock you till
the daylight comes
Make sure you are
smiling and warm

I have everything
Tonight I'll be your
mother
I'll do such things
to ease your pain
Free your mind and you
won't feel ashamed

Shucks for me there is
no other
You're the only shoe
that fits
I can't imagine I'll grow
out of it

Damn I wish I was
your lover
Open up
gonna come inside
Gonna fill you up
Make you cry

Sophie B. Hawkins, DIWIWYL

I did it again. Dared myself into starting a conversation with somebody on the bus I find cute or interesting. I just liked that he had squirrel awake eyes. Whatever. It was kind of funny because when I turned away after asking what CD he'd bought, I caught him smiling to himself, and when I introduced my name he made sure to get my name right ("Jen... Jen.. oh, Jennie! Cool"), and when it was time for him to step off the bus, he made sure to say goodbye even though we stopped talking.

Heh. It's scary, but it feels kind of good to talk to new people, even if I'm never going to talk to them again. I'm sick of slipping through reality like a prop, an extra. Dammit.

I did dye my hair redredred. I would call it bloodred, though not as dark, just... kind of a full, VERY "loud" colour. Superhero red. It has actually been weird getting used to it, because.. I guess people think I want to be different and stick out in a crowd when I turn my hair orange or firetruck red, but see - that's not why I do it.

I do it because I love catching a glimpse of myself in a store window across the street, see bright, bright red hair and have it make me grin. Is it stupid of me to want to be able to have manic panic "punky" hair, without wanting the attention? How come because my hair is dyed a bright colour, it comes off as being meant to send a message out to everyone who sees it, rather than being dyed because I love the colour and -I- want to see it?

I don't know. I'm tired of people treating me as if I'm trying to be different and have everybody notice me - in some situations, yes, it can be satisfying and kind of fun, but sometimes I feel like I should have brought a hat to cover it up so people would just look through me. It's like being fat - it's always there, and you can't take a day off from it. Bah.

Is "introvert exhibitionist" a good term? I don't know. At least my bus drivers all like it. Dammit.

Show me heaven
Cover me
Leave me breathless
Show me heaven please

Maria McKee, Show Me Heaven

Support Sophie B. Hawkins
Actual Posting by SBH herself to alt.music.sophie-hawkins:

"Hey everybody out there this is Sophie B. Hawkins, I need your help in getting my record out, it's been done for a year and we are in a stalemate over the banjo, which is the instrument on which I wrote my song "Lose your way". There are several ways you can hear the song, it's the last in the movie "The Cream Will Rise", and also it was on the radio station Star 95 in Tampa on friday morning...maybe you heard it. Any way, please call Rocko Lanzilotto at 212 833-5133 and Tim Devine at 310 449- 2700. Also. please call the Sony guys at the general number in New York 212 833 8000. Unfortunately, the guys you'll be talking to aren't in control, but they can hopefully get the message to the big guys.

Thank you so much, your faithfull songwriter, Sophie B."

I'm getting tired of the "Oh ghod no I'm never online I don't even know how to turn a computer on!" answers whenever they go on a chat with their fans and are asked if they're ever online. Nowadays when everybody and their grandmother has at least a hotmail account, it seems sort of 'out of it'. Whatever. I just mean that I had an utter "wow!" sensation when Adam Sandler replied an e-mail I sent years ago.. well, if it WAS Adam, which I'd like to think it was, dammit.) Good going Sophie, and Maria McKee, and Fiona Apple (well...), David Bowie, and... Marilyn Manson, for recognizing that they actually have fans online too. Or whatever the point was I was trying to make.

*sigh* Mid terms have made me realize how much of my current classes I haven't understood, or studied enough in. To put it simply - I suck in most of it at the moment. I'm actually grateful for the mid terms though, because it seems they DO serve a purpose. I'm now determined to actually OPEN my damn textbooks, hand every assignment in and attend the stupidass classes regularly. How's that for a "I'm gunna get B's and C's, but I'm gunna WORK for it!"?. Heh. Don't worry. I'll run out of steam by the time I get back from fall break, I'm sure, and flunk out of everything and be forced to return to Sweden like a nice failure, but this time - greatly in debt. How exciting.