limb by limb and
tooth by tooth
tearing up inside of me
every day
every hour
wish that i
was bullet proof

wax me
mould me
heat the pins
and stab them in
you have turned me
into this
just wish that it
was bullet proof

so pay me money and
take a shot
lead fill the hole
in me
i could burst a
million bubbles
all surrogate and
bullet proof

Radiohead, Bulletproof

The PJ Harvey News Page is up to 636 hits.

Heh. I turn 21 next tuesday. It hit me the other night that if I look at life through a really bad biologists eyes, my cells have now completely renewed themselves for the 3'rd time. I'm a brand new Jennie. I think. I should compare me to 14 year old Jennie, I guess, but I didn't like her very much, so I'll skip that. Now if my stupid nose would stop being so RUNNY. Blargh 8(

Dylan is supposed to arrive in an hour and 4 minutes. Hehehhh.. and all I can think about is "I can't run out in the livingroom wearing only my underwear should I have an urge to, because a person's gunna be living there for over two weeks!" Sheesh... I'm a dork.

I saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show last night.. or rather, started to watch, taped it, left, came back, watched the second half, and then saw the first half in different sequences. I dunno. I think I was in a completely wrong mood to watch this. (Yes, I was a RHPS virgin) I found that Timewarp dance to be a rather pathetic ancestor of The Macarena. Whatever. I was a bit dazzled by Tim Curry though... I never knew he'd look that good in lipstick.

The down side to that is that I can't be bothered to do shit. I feel like I'm committing educational suicide, I go to classes, but only to slump in a chair and think incessantly about how my head hurts, how my TEETH hurts, and oh yes, when will I sneeze yet again, causing everybody in the room to turn around and stare at me to see what/who caused that elephant sounding trumpeting...

I really, really, really miss Jessica. I haven't had any contact with her since.. when was it? Last thursday or something like that, right? It feels like weeks and weeks and weeks. I once joked with her sister that I have a strange disease that means if I don't have any contact at all with Jessica for, say 48, hours, I'll fall into spasms and die. Well... as you might have noticed, I'm not dead, but at least not a happy camper. Granted, not interacting with her for a while isn't the only reason, but still. Hmm. What do other stalkers do when their victim isn't around for a while?

I wonder why I'm clinging so hard to the internet, when there's not really that much to cling on to? (Besides wonderful, vibrant friends, though the number of them keep shrinking because.. I don't know.) I can't just be on for a reasonable amount of time, sending a few e-mails and talk to my friends. Instead I set up all these projects that supposedly force me to get online as frequently as possible. Heh - I mean really.. who in their right mind would decide that HEY hell yeah, I'm gunna start an online diary so I'll have to update as close to daily, PLUS I'll start a news page for an artist I really like that will be updated as good as daily too? Well. Me.

No one is forcing me. I am forcing me. I don't know why. Writing entries for this diary is sometimes so hard, such a STRUGGLE, but I still tell myself that I have to, and so I do it, and I do love it most of the time, but other times I wonder who I am updating for - me, or those people out there who presumably read the posts? At the same time as I am so proud over having kept something like this up for so long, and so regularly, I also feel that SHIT - why am I confining myself to solitude? Is this punishment or is this bliss?

Why do I feel better writing all this dorky HTML code than I do walking around outside doing nothing? Maybe I'm afraid that even if I stop logging on, if I stop spending most of my days wandering between the computer lab and classes, if I go straight home instead of spending 4 extra hours in the lab after school, those things I'm "missing out on" wouldn't happen anyways. Getting online didn't shut off my social life all those years ago - it created one. Yes, true, I know people here (3, to be exact) now, which is more than I've ever known at one precise time before, but I still feel I spend most of my day alone.

I can't remember what I did before I got online to pretend I wasn't alone. I'm guessing I read a lot of books and watched a shit load of television and movies. Back then my days were as long, but they weren't as filled with guilt for not doing what I 'm supposed to, schoolwise. My days are so long, so long right now, and I still don't think I'm doing much. They are long because I've chosen for them to be.

I get up at 6 am nowadays, supposedly to go to school and do homework - somehow, I always end up working on the webpages instead. 2-5 hours of classes spread out through the day, with odd hours in the computer lab sprawled in between, also spent in the lab. More hours right after classes, working on webpages. At 5:40 pm I decided that yeah, I deserve to go home now (only because that's when the last bus comes for Chapel Hill..). On the bus I spend an hour thinking about things, looking out the window for an hour. Last bus home to where I live around 7 pm. Spend the evening watching tv with Aziza and Gene, sometimes we go out and eat. Return home to flip around tv channels. Force myself into bed around midnight. Toss and turn and go up to pee all night... Beep beep. Rise and shine it's 6 AM.

I think I'm finaly beginning to really confront myself right now, and that's why my brain is in such distress. Why can't I just sit down, make a nice schedule, eat right, eat more often, go home earlier, call somebody, sleep well, dream well, buy new clothes, not get stressed when I face more than 2 days in a row without access to a computer? Why do I keep telling myself I like myself, when my actions keep screwing myself up more and more?

falling deeper every second
no one realizes
all alone
in the corner by herself, crying
one with the darkness of a lost soul
her cries are being silenced
by the hand of evil
time is lost
she is gone

Unknown

The above was taken from a Tori Fan page of sorts that I found very interesting. It is called Over The Bridge, and contains stories and poetry from survivors of abuse. I don't know much what to say. These stories and words from scarred humans are deafening in their sadness. I don't know why we do what we do, and I don't know why things that happen to us happen. I just know that we're all here, and if we search hard enough, someone out there will see us, even for just a brief moment.

As you may have noticed, I am now a parent. I couldn't just settle for getting one of those annoying cyber pets... Noooo... I had to go all the way and adopt Tina, The Troubled Teenager. Click on her to read more, or just stare back at her gloomy appearance. She'll be glaring at you everytime you read this page, so get used to her early... Ack. Now I'm a Foreign, Half Broke, Fat Assed Single Mother. I just can't win.

MTV Awards sucked, although Tori was adorable, heh.

All of a sudden I'm Marilyn Manson fascinated. Why on EARTH did I all of a sudden visit www.marilynmanson.net and actually browsed around? pathetic.

Yesterday I found out two people in swedish media died recently. It's so strange to be this detatched from what used to be my everyday life. I didn't even check in on swedish news until last week, heh, and everything seemed so familiar, and so.. alien. There are already new celebs I have no clue as to who they are, and the rest of the news seem so.. not real.

I'm soooort of bummed. In a few days we'll have an election in Sweden, this is the first time I'm old enough to participate, and I'm not there. I'm not sure I feel reeeally bummed, though, it would get boring to have to chant "don't blame me -I- didn't vote for him!" in a few months, though.

Someone in the lab printed out some food coupons for Food Lion and gave me.. the horrible thing is, I got really excited, and started scanning them to check what stuff there I'm gunna buy. I think I'll go for One Box of Frosted Cheerios, I'm running low in the cereal departement.

I'm trying to decide wether to keep these dark roots in my hair, because it does look sort of cool against the orange , or bleaching the roots and then dying the hair ends black. Or maybe I'll simply leave it be.

Sugar
He brings me sugar
As far as I can tell
I've been gone for
miles now

Tori Amos, Sugar

Small Notes:

- I AM going to see Tori again - Raleigh october 18! This time, you can be sure I'll be hanging around from early early morning to make sure I get that luxury of being pressed to a steel fence to maybe squeeze Tori's hand. Heheh.
- Aziza's happy coz she gets to see Elton John in October also.. I'm gunna hang around where he plays too (UNC campus), just so i can shout interesting things like "Hey is that Elton in that car over there?" and have people's heads turn.

- I bought a family tub of icecream friday. It is half gone by now - it's a 5 quarts (4.472 liter) tub.

and I've never seen blue
like the blues he drives
in and around and
through me again
and I said I've never
seen eyes
like the blues he drives
in and around and
through me again
through me again
through me again

hey

some boy you are
to wear my color red
to wear it very proudly
wear it like a lady

Tori Amos, Never Seen Blue

shilly-shally (SHIL-ee-shal-ee) intr.verb

1. To procrastinate.
2. To be unable to come to a decision; vacillate.
3. To spend time on insignificant things; dawdle.

Well poo. I haven't written since monday :~(. I've been swamped with homework, guilt for not doing homework, stupid PJ page, birthday celebrations, doing things that made no sense, etc etc.. I hope today's entry will make up for it. :)

Monday Night

Ate lovely, yummie hummus and falafel at a Mediterranean Deli. Had a McFlurry from McDonalds - it looked so yummie because they added M&M's, and the colours melted off into the swirled white (ice)cream, making it looked amazing, all these bright red blue green yellow colours swirling in white.. it didn't taste to bad either ;)

Tuesday

My Birthday :) I got happy bday spammed from Jessica, a veggy cookbook from Aziza and Gene, a small very bright turqoise frog made out of a single piece of turqiose that I now wear every day on my raspberry swirl necklace from Aziza, and Queen Greatest Hits I&II from Dylan.

In the evening we went to a FANTASTIC MARVELLOUS YUM YUM restaurant (Macaroni Grill) which totaly blew my mind. The best italian food I've ever had, including food I had in Italy, an opera singing waitress, a complimentary dessert because someone blabbed (Aziza;), yummie conversation, silly photo's being taken.. I had a -wonderful- birthday.

Thanks to the people who e-mailed etc. rar!!! I am now _21_. Scary.

Wednesday

Jesse asked if I wanted to hang out, so, um, we did. Unfortunately, we did that until 4.30 am, so that was kind of blahy. (I hate that this entry today make me sound so ranty and boring 8() The evening/night included slouching at a Turkish restaurant, meeting two of his friends, hanging out at this place on the main street at 2 am where everybody walks by on their way to different pubs, Jesse and his friend playing didjeridoo's while people kept running up to them (Jesse's real good, heh) making them embarrassed

(Well, the people were people who were from New Zealand, or had been to Australia, and they were all thrilled, so Jesse got really embarassed), walking around a parking deck, going to HARRIS TEETER as usual, buying snacks, listening to a semi insane man rant for an hour, and then blah going home way too late for it to be really worth going to sleep. It was nice, though.

Thursday

Me and Gene went to a sneak preview showing of an upcoming movie called Clay Pigeons. GO SEE IT WHEN IT OPENS! It was -so- funny, so quirky, so weird, so well acted, so intriguing, so YUMMIE, I totally fell in love. It's a dark comedy containing an amazing uncomfortable performance by Vince Vaughn, a cute solemn looking Joaquin Phoenix, and a cute, hilarious Janeane Garofalo... DAMMIT GO SEE IT when you can.

Then at midnight, Tori Amos was on Jay Leno - yes, I taped it, and drooled and giggled... I AM NOT OBSESSED, I just kind'a like her. Her voice was terribly scratchy though, so I'm thinking it needs some rest, blah, because...

Today

I got a ticket for the Tori Amos concert in Raleigh! Also, I got in touch with people from rec.music.tori-amos, so we're having a small gathering before the show. I'm so excited - I'm finaly gonna meet the people who's posts I've been reading daily for 2 years. Not only that, one woman who'se posts were the first i started to read regularly, and really look forward to, has the seat IN FRONT OF ME at the concert!

I ended up having a long e-mail thing going on today - I've sent out around 75 emails, 50 to different people who emailed me about the PJ page, 25 to these rmt-a people.. my fingers are exhausted.

Didn't I tell you I dyed it really orrange?

I look pretty much like that (photo taken august 13), except I got a dark half inch outgrowth now. Heh.

I MISS WRITING HERE. *sigh* I don't think I realized how much I appreciated it, until I seemed to completely run out of time to do this. I've been doing this for nearly a year and a half, and many times I've felt like maybe it was time to stop it, maybe I had nothing more to say, maybe it wasn't just a temporary stop to the flow, maybe I had no more words to put together for this, but somehow it always came back to me. This time, I have a nonstop outpour of words in my head, they're in my head, but I have no time to type them out and rearrange and look at them and evaluate them at all, and it is so frustrating. I feel as if I'm missing out on MYSELF because I no longer have the ability to sit down and think for hours and edit and add and delete thoughts and impulses.

Ridiculous.

I think Tina, my troubled teenager died - I know the link did, so I got rid of it. Heh, isn't that special - I adopt a cyber teenager, and she dies quicker than a goldfish. Interesting.

but as i was saying... it's been interesting. everyday has been so long and filled with thoughts and doings, all deserving their own space in this diary, and of course - i've had no time to write it down. now it feels as if it is all independent loose ends dangeling in my head, all memories are so confused because they don't feel they exist if they haven't gotten some sort of validation, and i can't bring myself to write 'so, 8 days ago, this happened.". there's only so much backtracking i feel comfortable in doing - details get lost over night. i make no sense whatever eek.

let's see. friday night, me, dylan, aziza and gene went and saw one true thing with meryl streep as a mother dying of cancer. i pretty much knew i was going to cry, but i didn't realize it was going to hit me as hard as it did. i've had all 3 of them confirm that at one point, i let out a squeak/yelp/sob, quite loudly. i'd say that vouches for me crying quite a lot. i don't know what happened - all of a sudden i just felt so sad that i am so far away from my mother, she's always been the person that was there, and now she's not here physically, and i have problems with dealing with that sometimes. i guess whoever made the movie knew what s/he was doing :>

saturday we spent in a library, i scanned a whole bunch of images i'll show here.. eventually. later, i went and bought alcohol for the first time in my life, excited about being carded and being 21. everything went well, i got carded at the abc store, got the tequila, things were fine, we went back to the apartement, and then.. me and jesse went to harris teeter to get some additional snacks and stuff, i decide to buy some winecoolers, and THE CASHIER GUY DIDN'T CARD ME. that really depressed me, i don't know why. jesse explained with a "he was probably being nice", but i dunno, i spent the whole evening feeling like an old hag. i can be such a dork :)

after that, we spent the evening watching the miss america thing on the telly (where do they get these hideous dresses? why do people tap dance and sing things like "i will always love you"? whatever.), and then me, gene, dylan and jesse got drunk, whereas aziza bounced around dancing. me, gene and aziza sang along to a zillion 80s songs, i had vodka, and things got funnier the later it got. i think the highpoint of the 'party' was gene sitting next my the couch where i was slumped, singing and dancing interpretatively to things like pat benatar to me, while i yelled comments like "GENE YOU ARE SUCH A SLUT" for no good reason.

Are you hurting your chest?
Offending yourself?
Forcing yourself into
pain and sorrow like there
is no tomorrow?

You should use the pain and sorrow
To fill you up with power
Life's both sweet and sour!

The Sugarcubes, F***king in Rythm and Sorrow

I'm so bootiful heh

So I have a theory, a thought, a ranting, whatever. When I was on the bus this morning at 6.40 am, a whiny thought tugged at my brain stem. "how come I never get what I want?". Well.. as soon as I got to dip my toes into that pool of selfpity, it suddenly hit me - maybe I SHOULDN'T get what I want all the time?

Nono, I don't mean that as in "if I got everything I wanted I'd be so spoilt and I would never get to feel that excitement of wishing for something and blah blah" whatever. I mean it as in - maybe what I want is something I really shouldn't have, because it would be bad/useless/whatever?

Maybe by wishing for things I definately ever won't have, I keep myself safe from disappointment and heart ache? Maybe I make sure to develope weak crushes on people I -shouldn't- be with anyways, and that's why I get a crush on them, because it stops me from getting interested in people who I theoretically could "have", because it saves me the sadness and despair when I don't "get" them anyway?

Maybe something deeper inside me is tricking the thin layer where most of my supposedly conscious thoughts and feelings linger into thinking "You like all these people and if only they wanted you things would be great and you'd have a human to poke and touch", when in fact I may not be ready for a relationship, and so by making sure it's never going to happen, I procrastinate it all in wait for my self to grow into someone who is ready for a relationship again?

Or maybe I'm just trying to pretend I don't really want these people, no no, okay.

I just started reading alt.fan.conan-obrien again, for no reason at all - especially no reason, as I haven't been able to watch the show for months. Tired, you know.

I did watch City of Angels last night, though. Nick Cage looked so sad and beautiful, Andre from my favourite cop show Homicide: Life on the Streets was in it and looked so yummie, it was very quiet and nicely shot, and of course, rather depressing. I think it would have made me more depressed, had I watched it alone in a dark room. hehhheh. Now I'm desperate to see Wings of Desire, it's been -years- since I first promised myself to rent it.

Especially when you can barely see me.

This is Gene. I dunno who he is, he just keeps following Aziza around, and hogging our tv to watch Party of Five reruns. Occasionally he will do very irrational things, such as march out in the kitchen and wash all our dishes for no good reason (which I think is a great reason.), or sing songs that should have been forgotten since the 80s. When he gets drunk, he really does show his REAL self, a self that thoroughly support my theory that he's really a 45 year old black woman trapped inside the body of a 20 year old boy. It's sort of frightening. Oh yeah, and he's a slut. ;)!

This is Aziza and Gene. Well. Hrmph. I guess she does sort of encourage him to hang around us. It's a bit like when you feed a stray cat once, it's gunna come back for more constantly. I think that's what happened here. 8) It's also a wellknown fact that none of us like the others - frrr, I dunno WHY I hang around with these people. I guess I am secretly kind of fond of them. Eek. :)

This is my bunnybaby Jessica. It is the only "real" photo I have of her, and I treasure it dearly. I am so excited about going to Arizona and seeing her this x-mas, it's ridiculous :). I'm going to make her show me _everything_, I'll make her dig out school notebooks from third grade, parade every clothing item she owns, and then I'll make her yummie cookies and cakes, and we'll get really bloated and happy together. *sigh* Soon. :)

No Pic of Jesse, coz he'd probably never find a pic he'd be okay with me putting up, so heh. whatever.

Okay, so you know my PJ harvey site has taken off quite a bit, yeah.. Well I guess it's wonderful to feel like you're getting the sort of response you barely even dared to dream about, sure, but you also get interesting fan mail regarding the site:

I remember a time when the mail used to be about this diary though, and in a sense I think that kind of saddens me - I get more response by putting up 'news' about an artist I've never even seen live, than from telling about things I ponder. Strangely enough, it feels okay, though. I just know I'm about as proud of both. :)