March of the Living 1999 Diary

April 14, 5:35 PM

As you have probably already guessed, we were at Majdanik today. I don’t know how to describe it. I thought many thing at the time, but I can’t remember most of them now.

Majdanik touched me more, I think, than Auschwitz. In Auschwitz, I had some idea of what to expect. I’d heard about it.

I’m sure that at some point you’ve heard of the huge pile of human ashes. I always thought that it was in Auschwitz. It wasn’t. It was in Majdanik. I don’t think you can tell from any picture how truly big that pile is. I don’t think I could describe it. Just trust me, it’s bigger than you think.

We all went off alone or in twos or small groups to "tour" Majdanik. We were given as much time as we wanted. I took about two hours. It wasn’t even that big a place. It seemed so. . . I’m not sure of the word. It required imagination to think of things that happened there, but once I did, it was very hard to think of anything else.

At the end, I found myself with some time before everyone else came, and no matter which direction I looked, I didn’t want to see. On one side was the camp, on another, the crematorium, on another, the ashes, on another, pits where thousands had been shot. I didn’t want to see.

Afterwards, we had a small ceremony. I read my poem, and we all sang and recited the mourner’s kaddish. This is the third time in two days, I think. Everyone complimented my poem. I’m not quite sure what to think about that.

Overall, I’m a little depressed and very tired. I feel a big empty space right in the middle of my stomach. I didn’t cry very much today.

I’m glad there’s not much more of Poland left. I don’t like it, even though I know in my heard I have to keep looking. I don’t want to see the other camps. I guess this goes to show about the old saying, "be careful what you wish for. . ." I thought I wanted to understand the Holocaust. I don’t think I want to know anymore.

In another, completely different, note, we visited an old Yishivah today. [Note: A Yishivah is a Jewish school where Torah, Talmud, and other Jewish texts are learned.] Now it’s being used as a medical school. As we left, we started doing a horah. I liked that.

Then we went to the oldest Jewish cemetery in Poland. It was eerily calm, and like the other one, relaxing.

Then, after lunch, we went to Majdanik.

On reflection looking back, the first night Rabbi Chaim (our Madrich [note: Madrich means our group leader.]) said we’d be exhausted every night. I didn’t believe him then. Ha-ha. I’m sleeping for a week when I get home.

Yours until then,
Julie