March of the Living 1999 Diary

April 15, 12:40 AM

If I wasn't so amazingly tired, I wouldn't be able to sleep at all tonight. As it is, it's hit or miss. I realize I haven't written all that much about my experiences at Majdanik and nothing at all about what happened afterwards. Maybe I can help fix that now.

At Majdanik, we were allowed to go off on our own. Nobody spoke much. The silence was calming even as it made the whole experience more profound and emotional. Yesterday at Auschwitz, the pace was very fast, too fast to take everything in. Today, we went at our own pace. It made a great deal of difference.

We had a thoughts-sharing on the bus. I read my poem again. There was complete silence as I read it. It made me feel good, because I knew that I had gotten my message across. A few people said I should publish it. I don't know. I mean, I know I can get my message to the MotL [Note: MotL is an acronym I used a lot for March of the Living.] people. They were through what I was through. They know what I'm talking about. I don't know how the general public will react. They didn't see what I saw. They don't know. Maybe I'll submit it to In2Print [Note: In2Print is a magazine that publishes submitted fiction, poetry, and drawings.]. I'm definitely submitting it to the yearbook.

We had a thoughts-sharing as a whole group after supper, all 110 of us. It lasted from 10:30 to 12:15. It could have gone longer, I'm sure. (By the way, wake-up was extended an hour to help us. I doubt many will have a good night's sleep.) We laughed, many cried, and most of us shared our ideas and thoughts. It made me think about a lot of things I wouldn't have otherwise considered. It will take me a long time to work out all these thoughts, and that's as it should be. The Holocaust was huge and complicated. I would be angry, frustrated, and disappointed if I thought I understood everything after 2 or 3 nights. I'll probably be thinking of today for a very long time.

As for what I'm feeling now, I'm not even sure. There's a great big part of me that's sad and upset. Yet at the same time I have a lot of hope and. . . contentment, I guess is the closest word. Maybe anticipation is better, for when I get home and for Israel. There's so much I want to do now. One thing that came up a lot tonight was the idea of living in the moment, and "not sweating the small stuff." Maybe I'll join a Jewish youth group (and no, I never thought I'd say that), or something. I'm going to try to volunteer more, I think.

For the first time today, I found myself seriously considering serving in the Israeli army. Ari says there are international programs, for Canadians. I think I'll look into it. I don't think I can put into words why I want it. I'll know better once we're in Israel.

I barely cried at all today. I find myself wondering when it's all going to break out. I think it just started, but these aren't "big" tears, not yet at least. I want to cry, but I couldn't. I don't want to keep this all inside me! I don't know what I'd do if Ari wasn't on this trip. He's been my pillar of strength. He's the one I can go to when I need support. I don't know anyone else well enough. My tears are caught in my throat. I feel them there. Funny, I don't even know why I'm crying.

I got another two stones in Majdanik today. I think that instead of taking them home, I'll bury them somewhere in Israel.

It's 1:10 AM now, and if I don't get some sleep some I'm going to be really bad tomorrow. But I don't think I can sleep. I really don't. Why is it that I can only cry when no one else is around?

I don't know what I'm thinking. My thoughts are all jumbled up. I can't even see the page anymore. I think I'll stop now.

Julie