Welcome to Hell
By Rowan Attkinson
Hello, nice to see you all again.
As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now - this is hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you like. We try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.
Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.
Are there any questions?
No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.
Right, let's split you up then.
Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?
Off we go...
Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you could join them, and Estate Agents.
Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.
AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He realizes put in a lot of work.
The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for the last 9 months.
Sodomites, over there against the wall.
Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.
Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.
Moonies, maniacs, marite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is.
Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.
Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all.
Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of exchange scheme with the God, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing.
Well, I have to go now, but Jezzlebeth here will show you the ropes, chains, and electrodes.
I'll just leave you with a favorite joke of mine -
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Death.
Death wh..........
to Jokes.
to The Procrastinator's Aid.
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