Read This First
I would like to tell the readers that this book is about a heroic prince that battled dragons and took their treasure and married a princess, but unfortunately he got a little burnt (and a little dead) in his last battle and couldn't make it. This story is about the first person we could find off the streets. His name is Fred. Fred will be replacing the heroic prince in this story, and an average Montreal basement will replace the lovely scenery that is usually used in stories like this.
Enjoy the book.
By the way: This is the first book ever to be directed by yours truly. Whenever you see text in this color, it's me talking.
The Cheap Imitation of a Heroic Prince
Once upon a time in a far off.....hey, wait a minute! This isn't a fairy tale. You don't have to start with all that once upon a time stuff. All right everyone. Take your places again. We're starting over. In modern times in an average Montreal basement...That's more like it!... There was a man named Fred. Fred was trying really hard to be a heroic prince and do heroic princely things...
No you're not. Fred. get into character! Go and put on a suit of armour or something. You look pathetic....I don't care if we don't have a suit of armour. Make one! I don't know how. I just direct this stuff!... All right. That's better! Places everyone. Start over.
In modern times in an average Montreal basement there was a man named Fred. Fred was trying really hard to be a heroic prince and do heroic princely things. Unfortunately, he was just a cheap imitation prince from off the streets, and didn't look very impressive in his home-made paper suit of armour.
Because Fred was courageous...No he wasn't....Never Mind. Fred was really a coward, but he was handsome and...No he wasn't....I lied. Fred really wasn't handsome but for some reason all the girls liked him...No they didn't....Fine! Girls didn't like Fred. They completely failed to like him in any way or form. But Fred liked girls...No he didn't. He doesn't have time for a girlfriend. He has more important things to do, like make this story...Fred really didn't give a second thought about girls, but he had lots of friends... No he didn't.... He had some friends...No... He had a friend?...Well, maybe that guy next door... who lived in the alley. On second thought, nope...
Fred completely lacked any quality that makes princes the great figures they are today, but we got stuck with him somehow...Hey, let's not get depressed! Fred has lots of good qualities. Like um..... and then um..... and there's always ..... Never mind. Fred, don't slink off into a corner. We need you. What do you mean what for? We need you to......I'm sorry that information is top secret. But I guarantee you that you will know as soon as we think of something, oops, I mean as soon as you need to know....
One day when Fred was at a banquet...No he wasn't....Fred was sitting at a card table in an average Montreal basement with a bunch of distinguished guests...No distinguished guests....with a bunch of our producers....We don't have producers... with a dead bird that fell off the roof...What bird?... Fred was sitting completely by himself at a card table in an average Montreal basement. He was thinking deep thoughts about life...No he wasn't....He was thinking about nothing in particular...No he wasn't.... He was thinking about how great lunch would taste?...You got it!...
All right everyone! Lunch break! Be back in an hour!
After a lunch break, Fred was still sitting by himself at a card table in an average Montreal basement. His home-made paper armour was starting to rip apart. He was looking very sad....Fred, buddy, look cheerful.... I know I just completely insulted you before lunch and you think that you have no reason to live! You're probably right too.... No, I didn't mean that. Come on Fred, you have to go along with the story.... That's better.... After a somewhat discouraging pep talk from the director, Fred was still looking glum. Then the director dropped a piece of paper on the card table... You weren't supposed to say that I dropped the piece of paper.... I don't know what you're supposed to say. Say that it fell from the sky or something.... Sorry. It was then that a piece of paper inexplicably fell from the hand of the director onto the card table...No. You are supposed to say something along the lines that it fell from the clear blue sky... I know it's not true. This story can have bends in the truth....Fine, call them lies! Just write it so it sounds good!.... Fine! It was then that a piece of paper fell out of the clear blue sky somewhere in the vicinity of the director's hand onto the card table. Fred still looked depressed....Fred! You are supposed to read the note! .... Fred picked up the note and looked at it for a long time. Then he put it down and still looked depressed....Fred, what's the matter?... What do you mean you're illiterate?... No I realise that you meant that you were illiterate, but who is going to read the note for you?.... No, I don't want to end the story now so that you can all go home!.... The director picked up a tape recorder and went into the other room. He came back and put the tape deck on the card table....You weren't supposed to write that.....Never mind. Just keep going...... Fred sat at the table and looked glum....Fred press the play button.... Fred played the tape in the tape deck.
The voice of the director said "Now listen Fred you *%^$*$ing ^&%%#%! What was on the note that FELL FROM THE SKY was that to be a prince you have to go and kill a dragon and take it's treasure, then marry a princess. Before you ask me where you are going to find a dragon, look in the corner. Do you see that chair with the green cloth covering it? That is the dragon. Underneath it is a pile of gold lego coins. That is the treasure. This is what we call budget work. You will have to use your imagination. Now go get that dragon and look lively."
Fred sat at the table looking depressed.
Fred, come on go kill the dragon!
Fred got up glumly from the table. He walked over to the chair with the green cloth covering it...the dragon...and pulled it off. He picked up the lego coins...the treasure... and sat back down at the table.
Fred, what are you doing? This is supposed to be realistic, well as realistic as you can get on a budget.
The director took the green cloth and the lego coins and put them back in their places.
Here, take this sword....Yes, I know it's just a stick. As I said we are on a budget.....Just take the stick! Good. Now put some OOMPH into it!
Fred got up from the table again. He started running around the room waving a stick...A sword!... a stick shaped like a sword ....A sword!.... a wooden sword...Fine! Good enough....yelling "Charge!" He tripped over a chair. When he got up, he came to his normal self, and realised how stupid he looked. He was afraid that everyone would laugh at him, so he started running around the basement again. He crashed into a wall. He pulled himself to his feet and did what he should have been doing in the first place: running around the basement with a garbage can lid... a buckler... in front of him. Because of the lid...bucker, he could not see where he was going, and so crashed into the chair with the green cloth...the dragon!....Fred's imagination must have been a little too active because he jumped backwards with the bucker over his face yelling "Don't kill me!" One of the stander-bys who was a practical joker took a piece of onion skin paper and lit it on fire in front of the chair, I mean dragon. Fred became hysterical and started to run to the door. The director caught his arm on the way out. Because of this new surprise, Fred once again found himself sprawling on the floor.
Fred, Fred! We are on budget work, remember? There is no such thing as a dragon!..... Fred! Stop whimpering! Get back there and do your job!
Fred got up and started walked to the chair, I mean dragon, very cautiously. He looked as though he thought the dragon would bite him, or in this case, breath fire. When he got to there, he stared at the chair, dragon, whatever for a long time.
He stared.....
And stared.....
Everyone anticipated what Fred would do. Would he slay it with a single blow, or slash at it for a while? Neither would do much good because Fred would be hacking a wooden chair with a wooden sword, but people anticipated anyway.
Fred stared at the dragon....
And stared...
Fred, do something! The whole story is going to be "He stared." That's not what you want, is it?...
Fred dropped his wood sword and gar....buckler. He tore off his paper suit of armour and started to walk upstairs.
Fred, what are you doing?....Well, when I said "something", I didn't quite have this in mind....What do you mean, I should have said so? I want an explanation!....You can't mean that!?! Why are you quitting?.....Fine, I admit I insulted, humiliated, and completely undermined you! That's show business! You can't seriously have expected to be treated normally....
Fred started walking up the stairs...
Fred, wait, we need you! We can't start over again with someone else!.....Wait! I'll double you salary....Yes, I know you weren't getting paid before so doubling your salary wouldn't do anything! That's the point! .....Wait! Fred I'm sure we can work something out! Don't leave! I'll, I'll ......Please Fred! Please, just give the readers something that they can find exciting and fun.....Yes I realise that it's not fun for you and that you can't see how running around a basement can be exciting, but it can be, really! I have an idea.......Of course it's a good idea!
Fred walk down the stairs and the director whispered something in his ear. Fred smiled and shook the director's hand. Fred went into the other room and came back a few minutes later with fitness clothes on.
O.K. everyone! We are now making a how-to story on being a klutz! Put a new title! clear that chair away! Get started!
How to Be a Klutz
Writer, I want you to instead of "Fred did" or "he did", use "you must". Understand? Good.
Fr..I mean you must run around the average Montreal basement for a while. Then you must trip over a chair. Then get up and come to your senses, providing you have any, and run around again. Crash into a wall.
You see, I told you it was a good idea! Now you can do what's you're best at, humiliating yourself. You just keep going. I'll be back in about 3 months.
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