I wouldn't say that the car was old, but it's the first time I ever saw bifocal headlights and the clock on the dash board was a sun dial.

It was good enough to get me around Victoria and Nanaimo. I walked through Cathedral Grove Forest, visited Port Alberni, the gateway to the Pacific Rim and was astounded at how you could describe Qualicum Beach as a "beach." It was covered in rocks, not one speck of sand anywhere. Lying down on those rocks trying to get a suntan would have been like sleeping with a very skinny, boney woman.

I visited Chemainus, a very beautiful little town. It's a pity that they have allowed all those vandals to spray paint their graffiti on the buildings. What a mess they have made, such a shame. Take a look at this photo to see what I mean.

I drove to Lake Cowichan and took the loggers road to Port Renfrew. This was 51 km. of rough dirt track full of pot holes. I thought the car would fall to pieces. It was shaking so much that I had to pour pure alcohol into the radiator to calm it down.

I drove along the Pacific Rim coast, back to Victoria. I had driven 560 km and enjoyed every bit of it.

It was then back to Vancouver, where I picked up my second car from Discount Car Rentals. The attendant took my money and drove the car from the work shop. He said to me, "Your car is waiting for you at the front door." I said, "Yes, I know, I can hear it knocking."

I took out a 'no-fault' car insurance policy with them. This usually means when you call the insurance company and tell them that you have had an accident, they tell you that it isn't their fault.

I drove up to Whistler, spending the next two nights sleeping at the Pemberton Hotel.

At Whistler, thousands of people were snow skiing. That's where they strap fence palings to their feet and slide down the mountain. For this pleasure they pay a huge amount of money to get the ski lift for the day, with some of them ending up on crutches. What a waste. I had more fun and cheaper fun sitting in the beer garden at Whistler Village, drinking the beer, soaking up the sun and trying to jump on to crotches.

I drove onto Kamloops where I visited the Indian Cultural Centre. I always wanted to meet a real indian. I was lucky enough to meet Chief Running Water and his sons Hot and Cold. His third son, Luke, didn't come, but he ain't so hot anyway.

Chief Running Water told me that his father was the cleanest indian in the tribe. When it was time for him to die, he refused to bite the dust.

I also visited the Wildlife Park where I saw two big brown bears who had just given birth to a baby bear. The local news paper wanted to write the story of the birth, so they sent over their cub reporter.

Highway 5 then took me onto Blue River which is famous for it's hele-skiing. I ate dinner that night at the Carousel Diner where I had their special home made meat loaf.

My next four nights were spent at the Youth Hostel at Jasper.

I visited the Marmot Basin ski fields, Maligne Canyon, Patricia Lake, hiked through Pyramid Lake Forest.

I rode the sky train to the highest peak. The view was breathtaking, the snow was fresh and as the sun was shining brightly, I tried to improve my fading sun tan. Photo. I also visited the Athabasca Falls

From there, it was on to Banff. I found the Spruce Grove Motel to my liking and drove in. I asked the receptionist if she could give me a room and a bath. She said she could give me a room but I would have to bath myself. I stayed there two nights and drove up to the upper natural Hot Springs, and into Calgary for some shopping.

My next stop was Lake Louise, where I stayed a couple of nights in the very modern Youth Hostel. Unfortunately the Lake was frozen over but it was still very beautiful to look at.

The most interest and scenic part of the drive to Lake Louise, was the Columbia Ice field and the Athabasca Glacier. The Glacier once formed part of an enormous ice sheet that ground and carved the landforms that are present to-day throughout the Rocky Mountains. I enjoyed a tour that allowed me to walk on the Glacier. The wind was so strong that it blew the pricks off a barbed wire fence. Not only was the wind strong, but it was so cold that the icicles were wearing ear muffs and the local flasher was spotted describing himself to a group of women.

It was then time to leave the Rockies and head back to Vancouver. I stayed one night in a motel at Vernon. I parked the car outside my room. The next morning the smog was so thick that it took me half an hour to find the car. I have only been in one place before where the smog was thicker. I don't know where it was as it was too thick to find out the name of the town.

I arrived back in Vancouver on April 30th. which was the hottest April 30th day on record. It was nice to be able to walk around in short pants. I stayed at the Airport Travelodge Hotel, which is so exclusive that even the Room Service has an unlisted number.

I had driven 3300 km for the round trip through the Rockies.

The next day I flew with Air Canada to Toronto. I rented a car from Dollar Rent-a-Car. It was a mid size Toyota and was in such good condition that everything made a noise except the horn.

The thing that I liked about this side of Canada is the highway system. The speed limit ranges up to about 110 k.p.h., but everybody drives at about 150 k.p.h., including semi-trailer drivers. The drivers would have to be Canada's worst drivers. There doesn't seem to be any road rules, if there are, nobody knows them. The best way of committing suicide in Toronto, is to stand in a safety zone.

The first place I visited was the world famous Niagara Falls where about 790,000 gallons of water crash down 17 storeys each second. I was instantly reminded of the need to replace the washer in my kitchen tap. I took a tour which allowed me to walk behind the falls. I can best describe the falls as 'awesome.'

I took Highway 401 to Kingston and then onto Montreal. I visited the Olympic Stadium with the worlds tallest inclined tower.

Driving in Montreal is a nightmare. As well as terrible drivers, there are narrow streets, one way streets everywhere, virtually nil free on street parking, wheel clamping, tow away zones and more parking meters in the city than trees in the forest.

I was happy to leave Montreal and drive onto Quebec. I loved the old buildings in this City. I did a tour of Old Quebec and the Citadelle. This city was the main purpose of my visit to Canada. It was here that the famous battles between the English and the French armies were fought in 1759. In 1820, the construction of The Citadelle began, and it lasted for more than 30 years. Today, it is still occupied by troops. It was here that I needed to preach love and not war to the soldiers. I told them that love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Love is a softening of the hearteries. Love is perpetual emotion.

I then pointed to all the canons around the City and demanded that they be removed immediately, but then I always tend to shoot my mouth off at the wrong time.

I also visited the Montmorency Water Falls which are 30 metres higher than Niagara Falls but no where as good.

I really loved Quebec City. It is probably the only place in the world where you can eat at a Chinese restaurant and find that your fortune cookies are printed in French.

Next stop was Ottawa. I was in time for the Tulip Festival and also toured Parliament House. I tried to set up a meeting with the Prime Minister but he was too busy to see me. It was probably his golf day. I don't like politicians anyway. Whenever you have a politician up to his neck in concrete, what you need is more concrete. Remember, if the Government is getting up your nose then picket.

It was then back to Toronto where I returned the rental car and used the excellent subway system to go downtown. I was amazed at this little old guy on my train who would walk to the carriage door every time the train pulled into a station, and shout, "Oh, Shit!."

After stopping at seven stations and with him doing the same thing at each station, I asked him what was his problem, and he said, "I'm on the wrong damned train."

The shopping in Toronto is fabulous. I found that the Sam the Record Man shop was the cheapest for buying CD's.

That night I flew back to Vancouver for my last night in Canada before returning home to Australia.

I had driven a total of 6537 km. in 31 days, walked about half as much again and loved the place, especially the scenery. Nature has given Canada only mountains, rivers, trees and snow, but it's the different settings in which these four elements can be found that makes the country the prettiest in the world.

There is a great variety of restaurants and on the whole the choice of food is quite good. Unfortunately tipping is a way of life over there. I am not known for my generosity in tipping. I usually won't leave as much as an asparagus tip on my plate. I throw money around like a man with no arms. I'm also known for doing crosswords vertically so that I never have to come across.

People tell me that I can't take my money with me, but I have bought a fire proof money belt to prove them wrong.

Finally, let me say that I even enjoyed Canadian beer. At least they serve it cold. It is not quite up to the Aussie standard, but not far off it. I was told that there are four to five million alcoholics in Canada. These, of course, are staggering figures.

To all you Canadians, I thank you for being so friendly and helpful and I congratulate you on living in such a wonderful country.

I trust that my visit will end once and for all, the bickering between the French, the British, the Italians, the Americans, the Asians and the Indians.