DEAR DOCTOR BASTARD:
HOW DO YOU FIND A WOMENS G-SPOT?
Answer :
It's in your wallet.
Dr. Bastard:
Can you tell me what the use for asshole hairs is? I mean, they suck. They make it hard to wipe, they stay wet after you get out of the shower, and they sometimes itch like hell. Is there any good reason why we were born with the capability to sprout hairs around the ol' red eye?
Sincerely, The Disgruntled Lemur, Dayton, Ohio
Answer :
Hello and great question. The asshole hair is there for the sole purpose of style and fashion. In the early part of the century, in was quite commonplace for one to 'dash their backhair' with a little lemon juice and salt to 'keep the undershorts fresh'. Many fashion designers experimented with the butthair and developed some amazingly inventive ways of wearing it; 'cornhole curls', 'buttonchops' or the 'greasy-finger' were all relics of years past that only your older relatives would remember!
Dear Dr. Bastard,
My girlfriend's cunt can only fit one finger. Is there any thing I can do to widen it?
Answer :
Yes there is. Get yourself ahold of a Mexican and he'll generally know where you can get illegal fireworks. Get an M-80 and it'll blow that hole wide enough not just for your finger, but for your friend's fingers too! Good Luck!
drbastard, I have trouble getting off when it only takes my boyfriend about five minutes to cummmm. I'd like to have my pleasure to, what should I do? He is kind of a stick in the mud, if you know what I mean. He never wants to try new things.
mk kitty
Answer :
Dear MK Kitty; What you describe here is quite the common issue; How to make a man last long enough in bed to satisfy the woman. First off, you should face reality; No One Cares. The only thing your man cares for is to make sure his sperm get all over your face and neck, with the least amount of effort on his part. He may 'act' like he cares, but it's only an act. His full attention is on how much money he could save if he invested in Yoga lessons and learned to suck his own dick. But, for laughs, let's say he does care and you concede to invest your time and energy in tending to this less than futile predicament. Start by quitting you job, knocking your front teeth out, burning everything but the clothes you have on, get a shopping cart, sleep outside and make your living collecting aluminum cans. There's nothing like a Bag Lady to keep the ol' boner going all night!
Question for Dr. Bastard,
a few rednecks have told me that a sheep's vagina is the next best thing to a women's. Tell me, what did you think of it??
Ryan Hathaway
Answer :
I must admit it did totally feel like your mom, but only without the scabs.
DERA DOC. BASTARD..
I WANT TO BREED MIDGETS BUT MY MOM WONT LET ME WHAT SHOULD I DO?
HITOP
Answer :
The world needs more midgets! With all the overpopulation, the future is depending on it! And since the world can't get any bigger, humans are going to have to get smaller. Tell your mom that she's being a selfish little cunt. And if she still won't let you, then I guess you'll have to burn down your house while she's asleep.
Dr. Bastard,
would it be bad if i sewed my bunghole closed?
Billy, San Diego
Answer :
No Billy, it wouldn't be bad. You may go ahead and sew your bunghole shut if you wish. You see Billy, the bunghole is one of those things leftover from the time we were cavemen (or little caveboys). Back when the cavemen and caveboys roamed the earth, they were required to do the hunting for the family. But since there were no backpacks or Chevy trucks in the Jurassic period, there was no convenient way for the hunters to bring home the dead carcasses of the kill. The bunghole was used as a method of storage and transport for dead animal carcasses. It is completely useless now. In fact, you can go ahead and cut it out with a peering knife if you have time.
Dear Dr. Bastard: How can I get my girlfriend to try anal sex?
Jeremy
Answer :
Ha! Oh Jeremy, your question makes me wish I were young again!
Convincing a girl to allow you to sodomize her is one of the great joys in life! Someday you will remember it like you remember your first kiss, your first beer or your first arrest warrant.
First, start by telling her that you love her, and try not to start laughing or you'll blow it. Then casually bring up the subject of your last girlfriend. You know... the one she hates a lot!
Casually bring the conversation around to saying "Despite all her many faults, there was one good thing about our relationship; She wasn't afraid to try anything new or kinky." Your chick will get immediately jealous. If it looks like it's gonna be rough, say "I have never been so sexually satisfied since she & I experimented while we made love. We just let our carnal desires run wild!"
By this time, she knows what she's gotta do to keep you. She may like it, then you're in luck! But if she doesn't, just remember that tears make a great lubricant.
Dr. Bastard,
i have a zit on my dick should i pop it?
Chris Watson
Answer :
Be careful Chris. It may not be a zit like you think. There have been many documented cases of individuals giving birth to an ingrown twin brother from what appeared to be a penal pimple or genital wart. How do you determine if it is your twin? Well, there are several ways and none of them involve costly doctor's visits.
First off, think of your favorite color. Your twin will most likely choose this as his favorite color too. Make sure to surround your penis with items of this nature, or things you'd think your twin would like. If you like Hockey, watch some ESPN with your penis out. If you like chili dogs, take your cock to Coney Island. After repeated stimuli of this nature, your dick will start to change emotionally and should give you unqualified positive reactions!
Best of luck to you and you're latest family addition!
Dear doctor bastard
After a heavy night out on the piss (drinking) how do you stop involuntarily soiling the bed
Ian Simpson
Answer :
I'm glad you asked. In fact, I often found myself in that predicament while going to Med School.
My solution came when a professor of mine suggested that before I go to bed, I chew up some chewing gum, play with my penis until it becomes erect, then place the wad of gum in the tip of my penis and mash it down until my peehole is blocked solid.
Now be careful that you don't attempt this proceedure with that hot mexican trick gum or anything. A stick of Carefree should do well.
Dear Dr. Bastard:
Why does it hurt so much when you get kicked in the balls?
MLK
Answer :
Good question. In fact, I had to consult a clergyman for resolution on this matter.
When God created man, he gave the man a big brain. When he designed a counterpart for this man (a WOO-man), the left much of the brain tissue out and put it a reflexive thought system much like that of your average bug. The woman can generally follow through on many issues like shopping, baking a cake, changing diapers, that kind of thing. More reflexive and automatic motions requiring little brainpower, if we dare call it that.
But God didn't want man to completely overwhelm the woman, and since the brainpower of the two were obviously weighted unfairly, God gave man his balls as a 'safety switch'. If the woman gets flustered and confused (which is NOT a rare occourance), they need not fear being manipulated by the man's fast-moving problem-solving brain. The woman may take her agressions out physically on a man, and need not a brain, nor reason, to do it.
DOCTOR BASTARD
IF I SIT ON ONE HAND UNTIL ITS NUMB & THEN JERK OFF WITH IT,WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE SOMEONE ELSE IS DOING IT?
ROG
Answer :
That's a great point. In fact, if you sit on your hand long enough, gang green will set in and it'll feel like a dead chick.
Dear Doctor Bastard,
Where does El Paso Thick 'n Chunky salsa come from?
Jay Fitz
Answer :
I'm assuming you mean the Thick n' Chunky tortilla-chip salsa that comes from El Paso Texas.
You see, what many white trashers like yourself don't see is that Texas is suspiciously close to Mexico on most maps. Many Mexicans flee from their depressed homeland in hopes of finding plentiful employment in the fast food industries of the mighty US of A.
Another fact that you may not realize is that all Mexicans, not just women, can have babies. And not just from sex! There are thousands of recorded Mexican pregnancies caused by drinking cheep beer and riding in suped up mini-trucks. That's why so many Mexicans do those activities, because if they have more kids, they can get more welfare dollars and it solidifies their position of staying home drunk all day and watching 'I Love Lucy'.
But since Texas is the state with the least amount of 'Lucy' reruns, many Mexicans are forced to abort these babies. Since many cannot afford it, many of these abortions are performed in such crude methods as using a Bic Lighter to burn the infant inside the womb, or scraping out Jose Jr. with the antennae from a '64 Impala.
The salsa companies are all-too-eager to pay for these Mexicans to abort these children so they can make tortilla-chip salsa out of the fetuses. Many companies pay the Mexicans in beans, thus the name 'beaner'. There has been a push in the past few years for the Mexicans to form a salsa union and be treated fairly and equally. It probably could have come together by now except most of them are too lazy to show up at the rallys.
Dearest Dr. Bastard:
why is my cats pussy so black.
Stephen Labedz
Answer :
It's only black on the outside. It's pink in the middle just like all healthy pussies are. Don't worry, go ahead and fuck it!
Dr. bastard
I am a pimp in south central L.A. and one of my hoes won't pay so I bitch slapped her and she ran away. What should I do?
Dizzy The Pimp
Answer :
Dear Dizzy the Pimp:
I'm assuming you're a little new to the pimp game because not only did you fail to describe the details of the 'bitch-slap', but one of your homies wasn't present to catch that ho before she got away. Let's try not to let these mistakes happen again!
Being that one of your hoes ain't paying means that you're the bitch on the block. You're gettin' played like a Super Nintendo. You needs ta get yo status back, or get your whole game jacked.
I would start by followin' this ho. Find out if she's workin' for someone else on tha side. If she is, then you gotta jack that mutha fucka up. Run some game on his shit and then finish his trick-ass. Some people only learn from the pine box.
And if I were you, I'd make sure I be wearing them fat-ass gold rings next time you bitch-slap some ho. That makes 'em learn better.
Dear Dr. Bastard:
Sometimes when I fuck a bitch, I can't get my nut off in any less than an hour and she says that her pussy gets numb, what should I do?
Roach1
Answer :
Next time you fuck her, try imagining your own father giving you a really sloppy blowjob. That should make you cum right away.
Dr. Bastard,
i have sores on my penis what should i do?
-no name -
Answer :
It depends what type of sores they are.
If the are red with a white scab on the end, no need to worry. Those are just candy.
You see, your body sometimes intakes more sugar products than it should. Instead of outputting that extra sugar as waste (read: shit), your body may produce it's own sugar-based candy for you to re-eat. Just pull down your pants, pick those scabby-looking things off your penis, put 'em on a plate and eat with a big glass of milk.
If your sores look deep blue with a black strip, there is a different method of ridding yourself of them.
Since they look suspiciously like sunflower seeds, you should get a bird (a typical parakeet from your local pet shop will do) and let the bird pick at the scabs on your penis. They will mistake the sores for sunflower seeds and eat them away from your body.
But your best bet to dealing with sores is to avoid them altogether. Quit fucking those skanky whores.
Dear Dr. Bastard,
My boyfriend is away at college. At night, I get really horny and don't know what to do. Should I cheat on him or just finger myself?
joe smigo, pottsville
Answer :
Dear Horny-chick:
Whats the matter, you don't have any girlfriends you can lez-out with? With your boyfriend away, now is the perfect time for social and sexual experimentation. Get one of your girlfriends, invite her over, give her a little wine, loosen her up and start to mack. Your clam'll be 3 fingers full within no time!
Dr. Bastard,
Why do women go to the bathroom together? P.S. Why?
Bernard Bird
Answer :
There is a very good reason that women go to the bathroom in pairs or groups, and never just one at a time. You see Bernard, about once every few days, women secrete a puss-like substance from their urethras. It's really thick and sticky, kind of like Aunt Jemima Waffle Syrup with bits of dried glue scattered throughout. The women's urethra is generally quite thin and some of these chunks have a tough time passing through the little tube.
The women travel in pairs so if one woman gets one of these chucks blocking her urethra, the other can suck it out. By the way, the chunks are almost 100% protein and considered a delicacy in many Hindu cultures.
Dear Dr. Bastard,
What does is it mean if there is blood in my stool?
Justin, San Jose, CA
Answer :
Well, if this is a monthly occurrence, and it sounds like it is, it is possible you have Sandi Duncan up your asshole and it's just her time of the month. The best way to get Sandi Duncan out of your asshole is to squat above a mirror, shine a flashlight into your anus and offer her a Costco-sized box of Triscuits if she'd kindly evacuate your colon. Changes are she'll snap that deal right up!
Dr Bastard:
when are men going to grow up?
Marianne Datlow
Answer :
Lick my balls, you cunt.
My Dearest Dr Bastard;
Last night my dog died. I loved him very much and fear that my vagina was the cause of his death. what should I do?
Heather Best , Albany NY
Answer :
If this is true then your vagina needs to be punished. Pour scalding hot water onto your labia and around your vulva. Then beat your vagina furiously with a meat tenderizer and rub salt around your flaps. Then, and only then, will the good lord accept you into the holy land.
Question for Dr Bastard;
Why does Sheryl Crow suck so bad?
J. LaSee
Answer :
Because she's a talentless pig who miraculously wound up on the right end of a dick and got a record deal.
Hey Dr Bastard,
What should I do since I found out my girlfriend is actually a guy?
Jeff Hefti, Cupertino, USA
Answer :
Suck his dick.
Dear Dr Bastard,
I'm gay and I don't want to be. Any suggestions?
Bryan R., San Jose, Ca
Answer :
Yes. Have sex with a dead man. If that doesn't turn you off, get one that's all rotten and falling apart. If that doesn't turn you away from men, you're gay for life.
Dear Dr Bastard,
I'm only 18, but my bra size is 36DD. My boobs are killing my back! What do I do?
B.C. In San Jose, Ca
Answer :
What? 36DD???!!!?!? Take your ass down to the clinic this instant and get yourself some implants! Men like big breasts and your back is of little to no concern.
Dr Bastard,
Why does my asshole hurt so much?
Brandon Adams
Answer :
Take your dad's class ring out.
Question for Dr Bastard;
Can used tampons be used for anything?
J. LaSee
Answer :
Actually, upon being pulled from the hole, the life cycle of a tampon is just beginning. Each Spring in Hockney Alabama, the locals gather for a Tampon Faire in which they proudly show off their latest creations using only soiled tampons. Some items created using soiled tampons include: A steam powered locomotive that runs on actual train tracks and holds up to 18 children , a solar-powered titanium atom-smasher, and a life-sized replica of Boss Hogg standing next to the General Lee.
Dr Bastard,
What is your solution for the growing homeless problem?
Phil San Jose Ca USA
Answer :
Let the homeless eat the animals in the pound that are going to be gassed.
Dr Bastard,
What can we do to slow the rate of teenage pregnancy?
Mary Seattle Wa USA
Answer :
Give every teenager a free car for getting their tubes snipped. That'll also save us money in the long run from welfare mothers.
Dr Bastard,
How can I convince my girlfriend to swallow?
Eric Los Angeles CA USA
Answer :
...pull back the hammer...
Mr Bastard,
Do woman fart?
Answer :
No. In fact women don't even have assholes. Their digestive system turns all unused nutrients into energy their body's need for cleaning, doing laundry, and changing diapers.
Question for Dr Bastard;
What do you think of Marilyn Manson?
Rob Hammond
Answer :
They are the beautiful people.......
HOW DO YOU FIND A WOMENS G-SPOT?
Answer :
It's in your wallet.
Dr. Bastard:
Can you tell me what the use for asshole hairs is? I mean, they suck. They make it hard to wipe, they stay wet after you get out of the shower, and they sometimes itch like hell. Is there any good reason why we were born with the capability to sprout hairs around the ol' red eye?
Sincerely, The Disgruntled Lemur, Dayton, Ohio
Answer :
Hello and great question. The asshole hair is there for the sole purpose of style and fashion. In the early part of the century, in was quite commonplace for one to 'dash their backhair' with a little lemon juice and salt to 'keep the undershorts fresh'. Many fashion designers experimented with the butthair and developed some amazingly inventive ways of wearing it; 'cornhole curls', 'buttonchops' or the 'greasy-finger' were all relics of years past that only your older relatives would remember!
Dear Dr. Bastard,
My girlfriend's cunt can only fit one finger. Is there any thing I can do to widen it?
Answer :
Yes there is. Get yourself ahold of a Mexican and he'll generally know where you can get illegal fireworks. Get an M-80 and it'll blow that hole wide enough not just for your finger, but for your friend's fingers too! Good Luck!
drbastard, I have trouble getting off when it only takes my boyfriend about five minutes to cummmm. I'd like to have my pleasure to, what should I do? He is kind of a stick in the mud, if you know what I mean. He never wants to try new things.
mk kitty
Answer :
Dear MK Kitty; What you describe here is quite the common issue; How to make a man last long enough in bed to satisfy the woman. First off, you should face reality; No One Cares. The only thing your man cares for is to make sure his sperm get all over your face and neck, with the least amount of effort on his part. He may 'act' like he cares, but it's only an act. His full attention is on how much money he could save if he invested in Yoga lessons and learned to suck his own dick. But, for laughs, let's say he does care and you concede to invest your time and energy in tending to this less than futile predicament. Start by quitting you job, knocking your front teeth out, burning everything but the clothes you have on, get a shopping cart, sleep outside and make your living collecting aluminum cans. There's nothing like a Bag Lady to keep the ol' boner going all night!
Question for Dr. Bastard,
a few rednecks have told me that a sheep's vagina is the next best thing to a women's. Tell me, what did you think of it??
Ryan Hathaway
Answer :
I must admit it did totally feel like your mom, but only without the scabs.
DERA DOC. BASTARD..
I WANT TO BREED MIDGETS BUT MY MOM WONT LET ME WHAT SHOULD I DO?
HITOP
Answer :
The world needs more midgets! With all the overpopulation, the future is depending on it! And since the world can't get any bigger, humans are going to have to get smaller. Tell your mom that she's being a selfish little cunt. And if she still won't let you, then I guess you'll have to burn down your house while she's asleep.
Dr. Bastard,
would it be bad if i sewed my bunghole closed?
Billy, San Diego
Answer :
No Billy, it wouldn't be bad. You may go ahead and sew your bunghole shut if you wish. You see Billy, the bunghole is one of those things leftover from the time we were cavemen (or little caveboys). Back when the cavemen and caveboys roamed the earth, they were required to do the hunting for the family. But since there were no backpacks or Chevy trucks in the Jurassic period, there was no convenient way for the hunters to bring home the dead carcasses of the kill. The bunghole was used as a method of storage and transport for dead animal carcasses. It is completely useless now. In fact, you can go ahead and cut it out with a peering knife if you have time.
Dear Dr. Bastard: How can I get my girlfriend to try anal sex?
Jeremy
Answer :
Ha! Oh Jeremy, your question makes me wish I were young again!
Convincing a girl to allow you to sodomize her is one of the great joys in life! Someday you will remember it like you remember your first kiss, your first beer or your first arrest warrant.
First, start by telling her that you love her, and try not to start laughing or you'll blow it. Then casually bring up the subject of your last girlfriend. You know... the one she hates a lot!
Casually bring the conversation around to saying "Despite all her many faults, there was one good thing about our relationship; She wasn't afraid to try anything new or kinky." Your chick will get immediately jealous. If it looks like it's gonna be rough, say "I have never been so sexually satisfied since she & I experimented while we made love. We just let our carnal desires run wild!"
By this time, she knows what she's gotta do to keep you. She may like it, then you're in luck! But if she doesn't, just remember that tears make a great lubricant.
Dr. Bastard,
i have a zit on my dick should i pop it?
Chris Watson
Answer :
Be careful Chris. It may not be a zit like you think. There have been many documented cases of individuals giving birth to an ingrown twin brother from what appeared to be a penal pimple or genital wart. How do you determine if it is your twin? Well, there are several ways and none of them involve costly doctor's visits.
First off, think of your favorite color. Your twin will most likely choose this as his favorite color too. Make sure to surround your penis with items of this nature, or things you'd think your twin would like. If you like Hockey, watch some ESPN with your penis out. If you like chili dogs, take your cock to Coney Island. After repeated stimuli of this nature, your dick will start to change emotionally and should give you unqualified positive reactions!
Best of luck to you and you're latest family addition!
Dear doctor bastard
After a heavy night out on the piss (drinking) how do you stop involuntarily soiling the bed
Ian Simpson
Answer :
I'm glad you asked. In fact, I often found myself in that predicament while going to Med School.
My solution came when a professor of mine suggested that before I go to bed, I chew up some chewing gum, play with my penis until it becomes erect, then place the wad of gum in the tip of my penis and mash it down until my peehole is blocked solid.
Now be careful that you don't attempt this proceedure with that hot mexican trick gum or anything. A stick of Carefree should do well.
Dear Dr. Bastard:
Why does it hurt so much when you get kicked in the balls?
MLK
Answer :
Good question. In fact, I had to consult a clergyman for resolution on this matter.
When God created man, he gave the man a big brain. When he designed a counterpart for this man (a WOO-man), the left much of the brain tissue out and put it a reflexive thought system much like that of your average bug. The woman can generally follow through on many issues like shopping, baking a cake, changing diapers, that kind of thing. More reflexive and automatic motions requiring little brainpower, if we dare call it that.
But God didn't want man to completely overwhelm the woman, and since the brainpower of the two were obviously weighted unfairly, God gave man his balls as a 'safety switch'. If the woman gets flustered and confused (which is NOT a rare occourance), they need not fear being manipulated by the man's fast-moving problem-solving brain. The woman may take her agressions out physically on a man, and need not a brain, nor reason, to do it.
DOCTOR BASTARD
IF I SIT ON ONE HAND UNTIL ITS NUMB & THEN JERK OFF WITH IT,WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE SOMEONE ELSE IS DOING IT?
ROG
Answer :
That's a great point. In fact, if you sit on your hand long enough, gang green will set in and it'll feel like a dead chick.
Dear Doctor Bastard,
Where does El Paso Thick 'n Chunky salsa come from?
Jay Fitz
Answer :
I'm assuming you mean the Thick n' Chunky tortilla-chip salsa that comes from El Paso Texas.
You see, what many white trashers like yourself don't see is that Texas is suspiciously close to Mexico on most maps. Many Mexicans flee from their depressed homeland in hopes of finding plentiful employment in the fast food industries of the mighty US of A.
Another fact that you may not realize is that all Mexicans, not just women, can have babies. And not just from sex! There are thousands of recorded Mexican pregnancies caused by drinking cheep beer and riding in suped up mini-trucks. That's why so many Mexicans do those activities, because if they have more kids, they can get more welfare dollars and it solidifies their position of staying home drunk all day and watching 'I Love Lucy'.
But since Texas is the state with the least amount of 'Lucy' reruns, many Mexicans are forced to abort these babies. Since many cannot afford it, many of these abortions are performed in such crude methods as using a Bic Lighter to burn the infant inside the womb, or scraping out Jose Jr. with the antennae from a '64 Impala.
The salsa companies are all-too-eager to pay for these Mexicans to abort these children so they can make tortilla-chip salsa out of the fetuses. Many companies pay the Mexicans in beans, thus the name 'beaner'. There has been a push in the past few years for the Mexicans to form a salsa union and be treated fairly and equally. It probably could have come together by now except most of them are too lazy to show up at the rallys.
Dearest Dr. Bastard:
why is my cats pussy so black.
Stephen Labedz
Answer :
It's only black on the outside. It's pink in the middle just like all healthy pussies are. Don't worry, go ahead and fuck it!
Dr. bastard
I am a pimp in south central L.A. and one of my hoes won't pay so I bitch slapped her and she ran away. What should I do?
Dizzy The Pimp
Answer :
Dear Dizzy the Pimp:
I'm assuming you're a little new to the pimp game because not only did you fail to describe the details of the 'bitch-slap', but one of your homies wasn't present to catch that ho before she got away. Let's try not to let these mistakes happen again!
Being that one of your hoes ain't paying means that you're the bitch on the block. You're gettin' played like a Super Nintendo. You needs ta get yo status back, or get your whole game jacked.
I would start by followin' this ho. Find out if she's workin' for someone else on tha side. If she is, then you gotta jack that mutha fucka up. Run some game on his shit and then finish his trick-ass. Some people only learn from the pine box.
And if I were you, I'd make sure I be wearing them fat-ass gold rings next time you bitch-slap some ho. That makes 'em learn better.
Dear Dr. Bastard:
Sometimes when I fuck a bitch, I can't get my nut off in any less than an hour and she says that her pussy gets numb, what should I do?
Roach1
Answer :
Next time you fuck her, try imagining your own father giving you a really sloppy blowjob. That should make you cum right away.
Dr. Bastard,
i have sores on my penis what should i do?
-no name -
Answer :
It depends what type of sores they are.
If the are red with a white scab on the end, no need to worry. Those are just candy.
You see, your body sometimes intakes more sugar products than it should. Instead of outputting that extra sugar as waste (read: shit), your body may produce it's own sugar-based candy for you to re-eat. Just pull down your pants, pick those scabby-looking things off your penis, put 'em on a plate and eat with a big glass of milk.
If your sores look deep blue with a black strip, there is a different method of ridding yourself of them.
Since they look suspiciously like sunflower seeds, you should get a bird (a typical parakeet from your local pet shop will do) and let the bird pick at the scabs on your penis. They will mistake the sores for sunflower seeds and eat them away from your body.
But your best bet to dealing with sores is to avoid them altogether. Quit fucking those skanky whores.
Dear Dr. Bastard,
My boyfriend is away at college. At night, I get really horny and don't know what to do. Should I cheat on him or just finger myself?
joe smigo, pottsville
Answer :
Dear Horny-chick:
Whats the matter, you don't have any girlfriends you can lez-out with? With your boyfriend away, now is the perfect time for social and sexual experimentation. Get one of your girlfriends, invite her over, give her a little wine, loosen her up and start to mack. Your clam'll be 3 fingers full within no time!
Dr. Bastard,
Why do women go to the bathroom together? P.S. Why?
Bernard Bird
Answer :
There is a very good reason that women go to the bathroom in pairs or groups, and never just one at a time. You see Bernard, about once every few days, women secrete a puss-like substance from their urethras. It's really thick and sticky, kind of like Aunt Jemima Waffle Syrup with bits of dried glue scattered throughout. The women's urethra is generally quite thin and some of these chunks have a tough time passing through the little tube.
The women travel in pairs so if one woman gets one of these chucks blocking her urethra, the other can suck it out. By the way, the chunks are almost 100% protein and considered a delicacy in many Hindu cultures.
Dear Dr. Bastard,
What does is it mean if there is blood in my stool?
Justin, San Jose, CA
Answer :
Well, if this is a monthly occurrence, and it sounds like it is, it is possible you have Sandi Duncan up your asshole and it's just her time of the month. The best way to get Sandi Duncan out of your asshole is to squat above a mirror, shine a flashlight into your anus and offer her a Costco-sized box of Triscuits if she'd kindly evacuate your colon. Changes are she'll snap that deal right up!
Dr Bastard:
when are men going to grow up?
Marianne Datlow
Answer :
Lick my balls, you cunt.
My Dearest Dr Bastard;
Last night my dog died. I loved him very much and fear that my vagina was the cause of his death. what should I do?
Heather Best , Albany NY
Answer :
If this is true then your vagina needs to be punished. Pour scalding hot water onto your labia and around your vulva. Then beat your vagina furiously with a meat tenderizer and rub salt around your flaps. Then, and only then, will the good lord accept you into the holy land.
Question for Dr Bastard;
Why does Sheryl Crow suck so bad?
J. LaSee
Answer :
Because she's a talentless pig who miraculously wound up on the right end of a dick and got a record deal.
Hey Dr Bastard,
What should I do since I found out my girlfriend is actually a guy?
Jeff Hefti, Cupertino, USA
Answer :
Suck his dick.
Dear Dr Bastard,
I'm gay and I don't want to be. Any suggestions?
Bryan R., San Jose, Ca
Answer :
Yes. Have sex with a dead man. If that doesn't turn you off, get one that's all rotten and falling apart. If that doesn't turn you away from men, you're gay for life.
Dear Dr Bastard,
I'm only 18, but my bra size is 36DD. My boobs are killing my back! What do I do?
B.C. In San Jose, Ca
Answer :
What? 36DD???!!!?!? Take your ass down to the clinic this instant and get yourself some implants! Men like big breasts and your back is of little to no concern.
Dr Bastard,
Why does my asshole hurt so much?
Brandon Adams
Answer :
Take your dad's class ring out.
Question for Dr Bastard;
Can used tampons be used for anything?
J. LaSee
Answer :
Actually, upon being pulled from the hole, the life cycle of a tampon is just beginning. Each Spring in Hockney Alabama, the locals gather for a Tampon Faire in which they proudly show off their latest creations using only soiled tampons. Some items created using soiled tampons include: A steam powered locomotive that runs on actual train tracks and holds up to 18 children , a solar-powered titanium atom-smasher, and a life-sized replica of Boss Hogg standing next to the General Lee.
Dr Bastard,
What is your solution for the growing homeless problem?
Phil San Jose Ca USA
Answer :
Let the homeless eat the animals in the pound that are going to be gassed.
Dr Bastard,
What can we do to slow the rate of teenage pregnancy?
Mary Seattle Wa USA
Answer :
Give every teenager a free car for getting their tubes snipped. That'll also save us money in the long run from welfare mothers.
Dr Bastard,
How can I convince my girlfriend to swallow?
Eric Los Angeles CA USA
Answer :
...pull back the hammer...
Mr Bastard,
Do woman fart?
Answer :
No. In fact women don't even have assholes. Their digestive system turns all unused nutrients into energy their body's need for cleaning, doing laundry, and changing diapers.
Question for Dr Bastard;
What do you think of Marilyn Manson?
Rob Hammond
Answer :
They are the beautiful people.......