"Why are people stupid?"
Funnies and Horrors from Tech Support Live

As detailed in My life - in a nutshell, my room-mate and I work as Tech Support live helpdesk for a major computer manufacturer. Most of the time it's just a few little problems here and there, with the occasional stumper thrown in.
BUT
Sometimes you get people where youjust have to wonder how they managed to stay alive for so long on their own. After working here for around a year,I have come to the conclusion that one of two things needs to happen.

Either:
People should need a license to own or operate a computer
-OR-
Computer illiteracy should be a federal crime punishable by death

I don't see any other way around it. I have gathered from the minds of some of the best phone technicians in the industry stories of humor and horror. And this is aside from the calls from other hardware manufacturerson how to fix their products! Some people just deserve to be dragged out into the street and shot, and that's that. Read below to find examples of just plain idiocy... now here for your amusement.

12/20 - Apparently there are people out there that believe that electricity is not necessary for a piece of electronics to run.
Here is an example:

[tech] Thank you for calling, how may I help you?

[cust] I'm having problems printing. My son was using it just about 10 minutes ago and it was fine.

[tech] Are you getting any error messages?

[cust] Yes. It keeps telling me it's having a problem communicating with the printer.

[tech] Alright, lets try a few things...

(The tech runs through some basic troubleshooting, which leads to trying to print from a DOS prompt)

[tech] Ok, now that you have that command typed in, hit the enter key and if the hardware is fine it should print.

[cust] Ok, but just a second. Let me go turn the printer on.

It turn out that that was the problem all along.

11/4 - Don't people read the manuals before operating this kind of equipment? I'm afraid to think what would happen if someone like this were to have a drivers license:

[tech] Thank you for calling, how may I help you?

[cust] I'm having a problem with my floppy drive.

[tech] What sort of problem?

[cust] Every time I try to access it, I get a "device not ready" error.

[tech] Have you tried other disks?

[cust] Yes. I've tried three or four of them.

[tech] Alright. Let me do a quick bit of research and I'll be right back.

[cust] Ok... but before you go, does the disk have to be all the way in for it to work?

10/15 - People frequently tend to forget that owning a computer is no different than owning anything else, like a car for example. They seem to think that special circumstances apply, and that things need to be replaced for problems that have nothing to do with the hardware.
Here is an example:

[tech] Thank you for calling, how may I help you?

[cust] Yes, I've been having a problem with the display on my computer. 
It doesn't show all of the colors it's supposed to.

[tech] How many is it showing?

[cust] It says that it only has 16 colors, and I know it's supposed to have at least 256.
I want a new monitor.

[tech] I don't think the problem is with the monitor, but is more likely with the drivers.

[cust] No. It is not working, and I want it replaced.

[tech] Let me ask you something. If you were to buy a new car and you got a flat tire, 
would you take the car back to the dealership and demand a new car?

[cust] Well, no... I would either change the tire or get a new one but I see your point.

From there on out, the cust worked with the tech for another five minutes and they were able to get the proper video drivers loaded, solving the problem.

How can people really be this dumb? Did he really think that we would fall for it being a complete mystery and not his fault? And even if it was, does he not know that the warranty does not cover acts of God?

[tech] Thank you for calling, how may I help you?

[cust] Yes, I woke up this morning, and I can't get my laptop to work.

[tech] Exactly what is it doing?

[cust] Well, it seems to be wet, and it's making a funny noise.

[tech] It's wet?

[cust] Yeah. And I don't know how it got that way. There are no leaks above the desk.

The tech and the customer argued about it for a while, and the customer finally agreed to pay for an out of warranty repair. The technicians who did the repair found that the whole inside of the laptop was filled with water and the strange noise that the customer was refering to was a small frog that had found its way into the machine through an open drive bay!

For those of you that have yet to hear some of the calls that have become legendary in the tech support field, I shall list a few. Some of these you just have to laugh at no matter how many times you hear them.

A customer calls with complaining that the mouse is very hard to use with the dust cover on. The "dust cover" was the original plastic bag that the mouse was packaged in.
A man calls up complaining that his cup holder is broken. The cup holder he was refering to was the retractable CDROM tray.
A man calls complaining that his fax was not working. It turns out that he was trying to send a document by having the modem dial while holding the page up to the screen.
A woman calls upset that the foot pedal stopped working. It came to be that the afore mentioned "footpedal" was the mouse.
A customer complains that a brand new disk sent from the company did not work. This was because it was a 5 1/4" disk that she had folded up to put it in a 3 1/2" drive.
A man calls up mad that all of the backups he had just made onto 5 1/4" disks no longer worked. A little troubleshooting revealed that after he made the backups, he rolled the disks in a typewriter and typed the lables on.

Here is a story taken from a fellow tech. He was called by a person who was having a problem with their laptop system.
This is about the jist of how the conversation went:

[tech] Thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you?

[cust] I understand that your systems can't be hot-docked (placed in or removed from the dock when the machine is on). Well, I went and did that on accident, and now the machine doesn't work! I can't believe you people set the system up that way!

[tech] Well, sir, you have to understand...

[cust] {interrupting} That sucks!... {about 15 minutes of ranting} That is just about the stupidest thing!

[tech] Sir, if you would like me to troubleshoot with you I will... we can check a few things and...

[cust] {interrupting] Mother of God! The son-of-a-b**ch isn't plugged in! {CLICK-Customer hangs up}

Yet another example of the kind of person that needs to be removed from the gene pool.
Here is roughly the convo:

[tech] Thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you?

[cust] Yes, I was working here on my laptop at my desk, and suddenly it switched to battery power. I have turned the thing on and off and made sure it was plugged in, and still it won't go to AC power. The AC light no longer works, and my battery is starting to run down.

[tech] Ok, sir. Did you notice anything else when this happened?

[cust] Well, yes. I noticed that my desk lamp stopped working at the same time.

[tech] Do you have anything else on your desk that is electrical?

[cust] Yup! I have a digital clock, but that is still working.

[tech] Alright, do you mind if you have to reset the clock?

[cust] No, not at all... why?

[tech] If you would, sir, I'd like you to unplug it.

[cust] Alright... hang on...{sounds of the customer struggling to unplug the clock}

[cust] Well, I have it unplugged... and I'll be danged! It's still on!

[tech] Sir, I'm afraid you're in the middle of a power outage.

A customer actually fell for this one.
Here is a copy of an e-mail forwarded to me from a concerned customer who had called for help believing she actually had this virus!

> Watch out! ...
> If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it
> immediately WITHOUT reading it.  This is the most dangerous Email virus 
> yet.  It will re-write your hard drive.  Not only that, but it  will 
> scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.  It will
> recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream 
> melts and milk curdles .  It will demagnetize the strips on all your 
> credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on 
> your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to
> play.  It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. 
> It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.  It will drink all your beer and
> leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
> It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and
> interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck
> in traffic.  Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened
> pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.  It will  replace
> your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your
> current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to
> your Visa card.  It will seduce your grandmother.
> It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it 
> reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. 
> Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.  It will leave the toilet seat
> up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full
> bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
> pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.  It is  insidious and subtle. 
>      
> It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.  It is also a rather
> interesting shade of mauve.  These are just a few signs.
> Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
>      --

And lastly for the time being, here is a funny e-mail that has been circulating around our shop:

Tech Support Team members:
In response to numerous emails from everyone,
I am releasing the weekly results of the Tech Support Hit Squad (TSHS) to peruse.  
If you have any questions, comments, or targets, please email me and I will arrange everything.

Targets eliminated:                     126
Kneecaps broken:                        36
Entrails removed:                       1934.6 feet
Computers sabotaged:                    158
Missiles launched:                      26
Ammunition expended:                    413 rounds
Grenades detonated:                     13
Booby-traps triggered:                  11
Hopes dashed:                           2341
Lies told:                              863
Third world countries taken:            2
Bribes offered:                         50
Bribes refused:                         23
Subjects tortured:                      23
Kilowatt hours used for torture:        613.5 KWH (Last meter reading)
Troops lost to friendly fire:           16
Troops lost to non-friendly fire:       0
Nerve gas used:                         11543 cubic feet
Houses bugged and searched:             239
Military leaders blackmailed:           4

Gen.Arfkenfutz Commander,
Tech Support Hit Squad

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"Why are people stupid?"Funnies and Horrors from Tech Support Live

"Why are people stupid?"
Funnies and Horrors from Tech Support Live