My Twisted Thoughts Page 3

Basically, this page is where I
let all of my feelings out. Many of my views or opinions may
be different from yours, but I want you to know that I
usually do not act upon my views or opinions.
They are just my opinions, and I will not look at any of you any
differently for having a different opinion than my own. I may
try to argue my opinion, but I will not insult or put down
your own opinion. I am hoping that you will treat my
opinions and my views with the same respect with which I treat
yours. That being said, enjoy listening to me run my mouth.
I quit censoring myself basically because I figure
that you don't have to be here, so if you don't
like how I talk then don't come here.

Thirteenth Installment - 8/25/00: I went thrift shopping today. It was oh so fun.
Went to both Goodwills in Flint and to
the Thrift Fair on Dort Hwy. I didn't buy a damn thing. I don't
know why, maybe I'm just not a thrift type of person.
Maybe I'm not open-minded enough. I don't know. I just
couldn't find anything I liked. My friend got a lot
of cool shit though. I kind of felt out of place in there though.
There was all of these poor people in there. Not that I have
anything against poor people. I just feel sorry for them.
It also makes me mad seeing all these poor people, and to
know that our government lets this go on without giving a shit.
That's America for you. Those who have money prosper,
and those who don't, well who gives a fuck? That's bullshit!
But that's how our society works. Everything revolves
around the almighty dollar. As said by the band Three
Doors Down in one of their songs, "So you call this your free
country, tell me why it costs so much to live..." Why does
it cost so much to live? Because we live in America the
beautiful, for the rich bastards and the people in charge.
Oh, I'm so happy I think I'll go cook up a nice pot of fuck
the world. Later everyone.

Fourteenth Installment - 8/26/00: I just got back from a concert at the Apple's
Cafe in Swartz Creek. I went there with a friend,
because he likes the girl that is the lead singer of the band.
He's tried and tried with this girl, but she just won't
seem to give him any chances. I mean, they're friends
and all, but I don't know why they can't be anything more. Anyway,
back to the concert. The concert was good...until the
very last song that she sang. It was a song for her ex-boyfriend.
***---Edited: 8/30/00 - The song actually was not for her ex-boyfriend.---***
***---We were wrong.---***
Needless to say, my friend was not too happy.
Actually, he seemed pretty pissed, which got me pissed.
I don't like people fucking with my friends, and she's
fucked with him a lot, mentally. Personally I would've
given up a long time ago, but not my friend. I can see
why though. This girl is special. There aren't many like
her out there. I wish this girl would realize what she is
missing out on. I mean, they are both special people that
there aren't many of in this world. They would be perfect for
each other. All I want is my friend to be happy, and he's not
going to be happy as long this girl keeps fucking with his
head. Fucking A!!! I wish there was something I could do for
the both of them. I'm scared of what might happen if my
friend doesn't get what he wants. Ohhhh....fucking god
damnit. This is making me depressed, so I'm out.

Fifteenth Installment - 10/01/00: I went to a concert type thing last night.
It was at the Local 432 downtown, for any of you who know
where that's at. The concert was awesome, but hey, a
whole lot of nobody talked to me. The only person who talked
to me was the friend I went with. And he barely talked
to me because he was busy with all of his other, more exciting,
friends. Most of these friends know who I am, but do
they talk to me? Fuck no! I'm not one of them. I'm not
a part of the whole fucking punk scene. They fucking look at
me like I don't belong there. To be honest, I don't
belong there. I don't dress punk. I don't act punk. I don't
belong. The music's cool and all, but it's not worth it when
there is nobody to talk about it with. Fuck me and my
damn not belonging anywhere. Everywhere I go, people look
at me like I don't belong there. Maybe it's true. Maybe
I don't belong anywhere. Why don't you think about
that for awhile?

Sixteenth Installment - 12/9/00: I've got a lot on my mind, so this might take
some space and time. I'll try to make it as short as I can, though.
Ok, there's this girl that I like a lot at school. I mean
A LOT!! She was told that I liked her, and in turn I
was told that she liked me. Then, something went on, beats
the hell out of me what, but I was told that she doesn't want
a boyfriend anymore. I admit, I went a little out of
control. I started causing bodily harm to myself,
which none of she found out about. I can't get her out
of my mind. I've had two dreams about her that I would
give anything to make real. My friend Eric, and his
lovely girlfriend Tiffany, tryed to help me out with this girl,
but I totally fucked it up. Let's just say that I am not
exactly a ladies man, because I mess up every fucking
chance I have to get a girlfriend. But I can't get her out
of my mind. I really wanted this to work. I don't know if
I'll ever be the same without atleast having the chance to
go out with her. I just can't stop thinking about her.
She is so incredibly beautiful, and no matter what type of
mood I am in, she can always somehow make me smile. I've
written some of my best poetry while thinking about her.
Ok, now let me tell another story about a good
relationship. There was this guy, I'll call him Shank.
There was this girl, I'll call her Buttercup. They got
together and formed the most loving relationship I have seen.
Sure, they have their problems, but don't most
relationships have problems? They get over their problems,
and they seem relatively happy. I would give anything to
have what they have. To be loved by such a beautiful woman.
To feel the strength of the love of two
people bonding. Shank and Buttercup, I wish the best of luck
to the both of you as you journey through the world of love
and romance. Always remember that there are people out there
who wish they could have what you have.
On a different note, I would like to talk about respect.
Not respect for the living humans, but for the dead
animals on the roads. What the hell is wrong with people these
days? I see people driving down the road, and there'll
be a dead animal in the road. They'll just drive right over
the animal, crushing their body even more into the pavement.
Do you people have no decency? Is it really that hard for
you to swerve around the already desecrated animal? Have you
no respect? That would be like me, when you people die,
digging you up and running over your fucking head with
a fucking monster truck. What the fuck do you think about that?
Just look at it like that!
Finally, I've been thinking about dying my hair.
I've been pondering the idea of bleaching my hair and then dying
it red, blood red. What do ya think about that? I've been
kind of having my doubts, and now I don't really know
if I want to do it. If a lot of people convince me that I should
do it, then I'll do. Ok, I'm done. Thanks for listening
to all my rambling.

Seventeenth Installment - 12/12/00: I found out some bad news the other day.
I found out that the girl that I talked about in the previous
installment now has a boyfriend. Oh well, whatever makes her
happy. If shes's happy I'm happy. I still won't be able to
get her out of my mind though. I guess that I wasn't good
enough for her, to stay in her mind. Anyway, tomorrow
will be the second snow day in a row. Hopefully, I'll spend
this snow day better than I did the one today. See, I was
a dumbass and tryed to drive home at midnight in a blizzard.
Then, I got stuck in a snow bank in the entrance to my
neighborhood. So, I spent all day today digging
out my car and finding a way to get it back to my house.
My brother eventually had to tow me home.

I've recently realized how much of an inconvenience
I am to all of the people in my life. My dad: shit, I
can't even begin to count all the ways that I am an
inconvenience to him. My brothers: I'm always getting in their
fucking way, and messing shit up. A certain friend and his
beautiful girlfriend: everytime I'm over there when they're
on the phone I try to talk to my friend, like the stupid
ass I am, and his girlfriend ends up getting mad because I'm
distracting him. And, because I'm always over at
his house because I have no other friends, because I am a
fucking loser. All of my other friends: oh shit I forgot,
I don't have any other friends, because I am a fucking
loser. The girl I mentioned before: I totally approached her
wrong and totally fucked up a chance with an extremely beautiful
girl. All my teachers: I just waste their time
because I don't even pay attention to them. My classmates:
I'm just a waste of space where another one of their friends
could be sitting instead of the one they call "the guy
who doesn't talk." Basically, I'm just one big fucking
inconvenience who will never get a girlfriend, will live at
home until he's 50, and then die of a heart attack.
Basically, I'm one big fucking loser. What's the fucking point?

Eighteenth Installment - 12/21/00: I just wanted to say that the dream count
I talked about before is now up to five. I just cannot get
this girl out of my mind! I realized today just what is so special
about her. It's not just that she's incredibly
beautiful and extremely nice, but that she doesn't
discriminate. She will be nice to anyone, no matter who they are, as
long as they treat her with the same respect. That is what's
so special about her, and that is why I like her so much.
I really wish I could have a chance with her, but I fucked
up that chance, and now I must live with it.

On another note, this is my eighteenth installment
and I will be eighteen in ten days. This will most
likely be the last time I write before I turn eighteen. It's just
coincidence, but that's kind of weird. Anyway,
Christmas is coming in four days and the New Year in ten.
This is another one of the most hardest times of the year
in my life. This is yet another moment in my life that
I will not experience with my mother. I've had so many
experiences without my mother, that I thought I would have
gotten used to it by now, but it just gets harder with every
experience. I miss her and love her so much, but
yet there is no way for me to tell her this. It makes me so
upset because I cannot even remember her voice, and if it
weren't for pictures, I probably wouldn't even remember what
she looks like. Fuck "God!" There is no "God"! No
"God" would take away the mother of a four year old child and
force him to live without a mother for the rest of his life.
If anyone wants to try to explain this to me, I'll
gladly listen. On a more happy note, I want to wish all
of you a Merry Christmas (irony?) and a Happy New Year.
Don't get too drunk.
Talk to you all next year.

Nineteenth Installment - 01/12/01: Well my eighteenth birthday has come
and gone and all I have to say is, what a fucking crock of shit!
There's nothing special about your eighteenth birthday.
Wow, I can legally smoke, register for the draft, file for taxes,
and vote and not have it counted too. Oh yeah, I can buy porn
and go to nudie bars too. OH BOY!! Nothing's changed.
I'm still lonely and depressed, although I think I'm
getting worse everyday. I can not get over this girl. My
dream count is up to 6 now. I know the people who actually
read this will be disappointed, but I can't control how I feel.
I mean, there's got to be something special about her.
I've never felt like this about a girl before. I've been
depressed about girls in general, but not about one specific
girl. I just cannot get her out of my mind. Those who
are disappointed in me just don't understand. I think
about her everyday, and want to be with her so bad. It's
taken me six years to find the special girl, and now that
I've found her I can't have her. I've pursued girls before,
somewhat, but nothing like this. When I was rejected, I just
went on with my life. This time I can't, and it's driving
me insane. I've fucked up the only chance I had with the
most beautiful girl these eyes have ever seen. My friends tell
me that it was her fault, but I know it was mine. I had
the chance to ask her out, but I waited too damn long. I
should've asked before she had the time to change her mind.
Plus, my damn nerves fucked me up by not letting me let
out my feelings. In case you didn't know, the love poems I have
written are all about her. She's trully been an inspiration
to me. I just wish I could share that inspiration with her.
I trully care about this girl more than any other female,
< outside of my family, in my life. It's too bad that
I can't show her how much I care. It's too bad that I am forced
to live the rest of my life a lonely fucking loser. Now I
shall sit back and listen to my friends bitch at me.
Please be gentle, I don't have much left in me.