My Twisted Thoughts Page 4

Basically, this page is where I
let all of my feelings out. Many of my views or opinions may
be different from yours, but I want you to know that I
usually do not act upon my views or opinions.
They are just my opinions, and I will not look at any of you any
differently for having a different opinion than my own. I may
try to argue my opinion, but I will not insult or put down
your own opinion. I am hoping that you will treat my
opinions and my views with the same respect with which I treat
yours. That being said, enjoy listening to me run my mouth.
I quit censoring myself basically because I figure
that you don't have to be here, so if you don't
like how I talk then don't come here.

Twentieth Installment - 01/27/01: First of all, I want to apologize to
anyone that I have offended throughout these installments. I know
I've said some hurtful shit, and I'm sorry for it. Second
of all, I want to express my disappointment in the choice
for the Super Bowl halftime show. It just doesn't make
any sense to me. We've got a bunch of overgrown, overpaid,
jocks beating the hell out of each other, and then we've got
'NSync dancing around like a bunch of monkeys. Doesn't
seem like a very good match to me. Ok, now I can go on. I
am so close to giving up on life that it is scaring me. The
dream count is now up to seven. I REALLY want this girl. I
CANNOT get her out of my mind. I want to be the one who makes
her smile. I want to bring joy into her life. I want
to be the one to comfort her when she is sad. I want to be
the one whose shoulder she cries on. I WANT TO BE WITH HER.
My feelings for her are the closest they have ever been
to love, but I cannot say I love her because I do not
know her well enough to say I love her. I definitely have
strong feelings for her, though. I don't understand this.
I can express my feelings through this damn twisted thoughts
thing, that like two people read, but when it comes
to orally expressing my feelings I freeze up. It just
doesn't make sense to me. I wish this could somehow work
to my advantage in helping me get the girl I want, but
I don't think that's going to happen. Unless...??? No,
it won't work. It's sleepy time, bye bye.

Twenty-First Installment - 03/09/01: I think that I am finally starting
to get over the very beautiful girl that I have been talking about.
However, I don't think I will ever get her out of my mind. I
still hurt myself every once in a while when I think about
her. Oh well. What to talk about, what to talk about?
Ah, I know what I can talk about. It's not very long
until I am done with high school for good, at least I hope so.
I don't know what exactly to think about that. One part of
me says, "Fuck yeah, getting away from all of those
fucking preps." But another side of me says, "Man, I'm really
going to miss my friends at school." I don't really have
very many friends at school. I don't have very many friends
at all, but the ones I have are all cool. It's really
bumming me out, because I only do stuff with like one of my
friends, and I don't hardly see him in school. All of my
other friends, from school, are all too busy. Plus, once
I leave high school, I might never see that beautiful girl
again, and that really depresses me. I look forward to seeing
her everyday. Even if she doesn't talk to me, just her
smiling at me makes me happy. So many people I will possibly
never see again. So much joy and laughter I will miss.
Damn! This really sucks! I really wish there was something
I could do to make sure I would see all of these people
again. This is really depressing me! I never thought
so much about this before, and it's making me sad. This
is the kind of stuff that makes me all sentimental inside.
Kind of makes me wanna cry, for real. Shit! I gotta go!

Twenty-Second Installment - 3/10/01: I have had this shit on my mind
for the last three days, and I have to get it off my mind. This
Taiwanese guy, a girl from Syria, a girl from Pakistan, and
myself were talking about all these conspiracies with
the US government. I don't know if any of them are actually
true, but to me they make sense. I don't trust our government
at all. My opinion is that they are all greedy
bastards who are stockpiling our taxes so they can get
rich. Eventually they'll gather so much of our money that
we'll all be poor, and they'll be the ultimate power because
they'll have all the money. And conformity. Shit, they
are the biggest cause of conformity. It's another form
of control. If everybody conforms to the governments
ways, then they have complete control over the people. But
that will never happen as long as I am alive. Fuck the
government. One fine example of conformity is religion.
People claim some form of religion just so people won't
look at them as an outsider, or a "satan worshiper."
Fuck "GOD!" That's the biggest crock of shit in this world.
Schools are bullshit too. What do we learn? We learn what
"the man" says we have to learn. Why? Because we are
supposed to be good little citizens and do what we are told
to do. Fuck that. Most of the shit we are taught in school
has absolutely no relevance in the real world. Tell me
one day in my life when I will use the Quadratic Formula,
or the atomic mass of Neon. I won't ever use that shit, so why
do I have to learn it. We should be able to learn what we
want to do, not what the government says we have to learn.
That's another form of control. If all citizens are taught
the same basic things, then the government can keep
better control over us. Basically, the government is a
bunch of money and power-hungry pieces of shit that want to keep
the citizens below them. We will have true freedom again.
Good Day.

Twenty-Third Installment - 3/16/01: How is everyone, I mean the
one person, that reads this? I hope you are doing good. I am
not. I have come to realize that I have pretty much absolutely
no female infuence in my life. My mother, may she rest
in peace, died when I was only four years old, so I lost
that great female influence. Two of my aunts have divorced out
of the family, and another one passed away in 1998. The
only aunt I still have around is way too busy to help me with
my problems. My grandmothers, I might as well
talk to a brick wall, I'd get just as much understanding.
Which leads me to believe that my lack of female influence is
why I'm so shy around women. How am I supposed to know how to
act around women when I am hardly around any that would
influence me? I guess I could talk to the males of the family.
Did I just say that? Shit, none of the males in my
family ever talk about stuff like that. I guess we aren't
supposed to show how we feel or something. If I try to talk to
my dad, it might just remind him of my mother and get him
all depressed, and I definitely wouldn't want that.
I think my brothers would rather see me cringe in agony
rather than help me out. Nobody in my family understands
how I feel, and even if they did, they wouldn't want to talk
about. Fucking bastards thinking they're weak if they
show emotion. I only have one friend that I can talk about this
stuff with, but I'm trying to hold back because I think he's
getting sick of hearing my shit. All of my other friends
are just like my family. Bastards. I guess I'll leave you
with this question: Will I ever have the love of a woman,
and if I do, will I have to wait another six years? Tah tah.

Twenty-Fourth Installment - 4/08/01: Hey everybody out
there in wonderful la-la land? How the hell are you? I was in a
bad, depressed sort of mood all day, but then I got an e-mail from an
extremely beautiful woman that lives down in Georgia. Why do all of the
beautiful women have to be so far away. Well, Eric's girlfriend is beautiful,
but they are deeply in love, and I would not even want to come close to
screwing any of that up. I have to wait until the right girl comes
along, just like Eric did. Eric, I hope you and Tiffany are together for
the rest of eternity. You both are extremely beautiful people, and you
deserve each other. Now, for the bad stuff to talk about. What? Shouldn't I
talk about bad stuff? Isn't that what makes me so interesting? Oh well.
Prom's coming up, and it's coming up damn quick. As of right now, it
looks like I won't be going. But I so much want to go. Damn me and my
inevitable curse of not being able to talk to girls. I went shopping
with Tiffany, Eric's girlfriend, the other day. That's NOT a bad thing.
The bad thing is what it reminded me of. It reminded me that I don't have
someone to go shopping with on a regular basis. I don't have someone
to help me go shopping for clothes, even when I don't want to. When I
say "someone" I mean a girl. I don't have someone to calm me down
when I get pissed over stupid shit that doesn't even matter. I don't have
anyone!!! No one loves me!!! FUCK ME!!! Wow, what a nice way to
bring myself right back down into my own fucking depression. Sorry everyone
for being so negative. I will try to change, but thanks for listening to
me. And Tiffany, if you are reading this, I'm sorry about the language,
it will always be my fault. Au Revoir.

Twenty-Fifth Installment - 4/15/01: I've gotten myself into
stupid stuff again. I've gotten someone mad. Everytime someone trys to
get into me and find out how I'm feeling, I cower away. I don't know
why, I just do. I trully appreciate these people that care about me, and
I want to tell them how I feel so they will tell me how they feel, but for
some reason I just cannot let my feelings out through speech. Like I
said before, for some reason it is just easier for me to express how I
am feeling through writing. The person that I have upset now is Tiffany,
Eric's girlfriend. She was trying very hard to find out what was
wrong with me the other night, and I trully believe she cared. For some
reason I couldn't tell her. Maybe it's something to do with pride. Maybe
deep down I don't want to share my feelings because I think it will make me
look weak. But I believe the exact opposite. I feel that if one can
express their feelings freely they are an extremely strong person. But
this poem I wrote today kind of goes against what I just said. I don't know.
Anyone who knows me enough knows that I am one screwed up person. Tiffany,
since you were so desperately trying to find out what was wrong, I will
tell you now. Maybe someday in the near future I will be able to tell you
in person, but just not now. This was, and is, my problem. It wasn't
just that night, it is almost every day and night of my life. I have no
girlfriend. I really need a girlfriend. Not just for the obvious
reasons, but I really think a girlfriend would better me, and I have so much
unused love stored up that it is unbelievable. I see you and Eric, and
I see so much love and happiness, and I wonder why I cannot have that. I
wonder what is so wrong with me that I cannot find a woman that enjoys
my company, and enjoys me for who I am. I sit back as you two are kissing
and think about how much of a loser I must be. I'm 18 years old, and I
haven't even kissed a girl before. How pathetic is that? That does not mean
that I don't want to see that when I am around you two. You two are entitled
to show your love for each other. I see nothing wrong with that, as I
shouldn't. I just wonder I why I can't have that. You say I don't try, I
know I don't. I see no point in trying. I see girls showing absolutely
no interest in me, so why try? Yeah, and my negativity real helps,
doesn't it? Anyway, I hope that somewhat helps with telling you how I feel.
What a downer. I think I did pretty good on my language though. I'm
sorry, Tiffany, Eric, and anyone else that reads this, for bringing on
such depressing news. Just wait until you read my new poem, "Reflection."
Please help me.

Twenty-Sixth Installment - 06/10/01: Okay, I haven't
written in quiet a while, and I have a lot to say, so this installment might
be quite long. First of all, I'm finally out of school, and I finally
got a job, but nobody really cares about that stuff. Actually, I do have
something to say about my job. Even though I told my boss that I
can't work weekends this month, she still screws me over and schedules me
for Sunday, which technically is today, even though it's one in the
morning. What pisses me off the most about that is that I can't go to probably
the two most important open houses that I have to go to. My friend Jayme,
from school, because he is one of the few people in school that actually
became my friend, or so it seemed. AND my best friend since like forever, Eric.
I apologize to both of you, but it is really out of my control. I just
started on Thursday, so I can't really tell her I can't work that day.
The second thing is lack of respect from some people. Mostly I am talking
about girls. I give and give, and I get nothing back. I tell girls
they are beautiful, and try to make them feel good, but I get nothing.
I get a thanks, or a thank you. That's it. None of them ever return
compliments, or try to make me feel good. You know why? Because I don't
deserve it. I am ugly. I am uglier than the grinch, uglier than the wicked
witch of the west, uglier than the troll under the bridge. How could they
compliment me? It is very hard to compliment an ugly person. And why should
I feel good? What have I done to deserve the feeling of goodness. NOTHING!!
G'night.