Etiquette has undeservedly gotten a bad reputation. Contrary to popular belief, good manners are not meant to cloak our true feelings or to snobbishly exclude the uninitiated. Etiquette is a way of being, an ethos. The rules of etiquette are meant to be rules for right living, a sort of public morality. Rules, like law, may appear arbitrary and are subject to change, while ethical behavior (the philosophy which supports systems of law and etiquette) does not. If one is to feel "at home" in every social setting, even among those who may not share the same beliefs, one needs more than rules; one needs an ethos. Like law, the rules of etiquette cannot anticipate every situation and they need to be constantly interpreted; for these reasons, etiquette finds its purest expression in being lived.

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Question: I don't like my sister's boyfriend very much. I do like my sister however. For informal parties, am I obligated to include my sister's boyfriend when I invite her over, or would I be kinder in the long run to mention only her in my invitations, leaving her to figure out that her boyfriend is not a favorite of mine?

Answer: So, you want to get credit for being both kind and honest? Social Grace is sorry to inform you that although good etiquette has its roots in good ethics, and that while ethical behavior includes telling the truth, it does not condone telling people what you really think of them, however nicely you intend to communicate this fact. The reason why you cannot spew out the Truth indiscriminately is that some truths are more important than others. The fact that you like your sister is more important than the fact that you dislike her boyfriend, although both statements are true. The way to reconcile them is to be true to your kind feelings for your sister by inviting her, and adding that, "If Ken can get away from the film shoot/the Officers' Club/the White House, we'd love to have him too."

 

Question: My sister's boyfriend continuously drops names. He is annoying to be around, because he is unable to converse. How can we get him to stop this practice? The family has tried to make him comfortable, so that he doesn't feel he needs to brag about his "contacts", but to no avail. Frankly, we don't think we are at fault since we have never driven anyone to this sort of behavior before.

Answer: As you know, conversation must flow in two directions, and he is driving down a one-way street. The solution to this problem is to gently insist on letting your topic of conversation prevail over his for part of the time. The way to do this is to respond, as blandly as possible, to each of his statements with remarks like "My, my...." "Really..." ""Oh." Then introduce a different topic- the weather. When he starts up again, pick another topic- the food. Get the whole family to join in- state capitals, the GNP, Global warming. Repeat as often as necessary.

 

 

 

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