After reading about Domestic Violence and my Accident I thought you would need some humor to cheer you up.

Questions concerning love and widom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."(Judy, 8) "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10) "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody ses you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9) "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE: "No one is sure why it happens' but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9) "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE: "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes to long to learn." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE: "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne-8) "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7) "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a longtime." (Christine,9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS: "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE: "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Sipsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6) "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it, I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8) "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER: "One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU: "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6) "Don't do things like have smelly green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9) "One was is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's to eat. Fench fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9) "Lover's will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. (Brad, 8) "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU": "The person is thinkng: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle. 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS: "You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...that's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE" "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom. 7) "Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger, 8) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)




WHAT I'VE LEARNED...


I've learned my daddy can say a lot of words I can't.--age 8

I've learned that if you s pread the peas out on your plate it looks like you ate more.--age 13

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it mom makes me clean it up.--age13

I've learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same time.--age 9

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.--age 7

I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose.--age 7

I've learned that when mommy and daddy shout at each other it scares me.-- age 5

I've learned tat when daddy kisses me in the morning he smells like a piece of Jolly Rancher candy.--age 10

I've learned that when I eat fish sticks, They help me swim faster because they're fish.-- age 7

I've learned that when I wave at people in the country they stop hat they are doing and wave back.-- age 9

I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be an artist. It's in my blood.-- age 8

I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way they look.-- age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.-- age 13

I've learned that you should never jump out of a second story window using a sheet for a parachute.-- age 10

I've learned that parents are very hard to live with.-- age 12

I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy doesn't always come. Sometimes he's broke.-- age 8

I've learned that if you talk too long on the phone with a girl, your parent suspect something is going on.-- age 11

I've learned that girls sweat as much as boys.-- age 11

I've learned that when wearing suspenders with one strap down, you need to be careful going to the bathroom.-- age 10

I've learned it you put a June bug down a girls dress, she goes crazy.-- age 6

I've learned that it always makes me feel good to see my parents holding hands.-- age 13

I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a black crayon with a Tootsie Roll.-- age 10

I've learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch, if only cowboys didn't wear spurs.-- age 8

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".- age 7

I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play ball with daddy because he gets mad when I drop the ball.-- age 10

I've learned that milk helps your bones from bending over.-- age 7

I've learned that the teacher always calls on me the time I don't know the answer.-- age 9

I've learned how to hold animals without killing them.-- age 5

I've learned that when you have three of your wild friends in the car the driver freaks.-- age 9

I've learned that gold fish don't like Jello.-- age 5

I've learned that you should say your prayers evey night.-- age 9

I've learned that the older I get the less attention I get.-- age 6

I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she snorts.- age 7

~CHILDREN ON SCIENCE~

~The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from fifth and sixth-graders.~

~One hoursepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a hourse 500 feet in one second.~

~When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.~

~When people run around in circles we say they are carzy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.~

~While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping it's distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.~

~Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.~

~A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.~

~Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.~

~Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know ther're there.~

~Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.~

~We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.~

~I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.~

~In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.~

~Rain is saved up in cloud banks.~

~Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop on a dog's tounge will kill the strongest man.~

~Thunder is a rich source of loudness.~

~Isotherms and isobars are even more important that their names sound.~

~It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.~


~NOW THAT GRANDPA'S RETARDED~...

~After Summer break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday. One small boy wrote the following:~

~We always used to spend the Summer with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride three wheel tricycles and they all wear name tags because they don't know who they are.~

~They go to a big building called a wrecking hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it is alright now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go in it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.~

~As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.~

~My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night-early birds. Some of the people are so retarded they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "Pot Luck".~

~My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them out.~


CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD

Dear GOD,

In school they told us what You do.  Who does it when You are on vacation?  -Jane

Dear GOD,

I read the Bible.  What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me.  Love, Alison

Dear GOD,

Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy

Dear GOD,

Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?  -Anita

Dear GOD,

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma

Dear GOD,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?  -Jane

Dear GOD,

Who draws the lines around the countries?  -Nan

Dear GOD,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

  Dear GOD,

What does it mean You are a Jealous God?  I thought You had everything.  -Jane

Dear GOD,

Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.  -Darla

Dear GOD,

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.  -Joyce

Dear GOD,

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,

Why is Sunday school on Sunday?  I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.  -Tom L.

Dear GOD,

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.  -Bruce

Dear GOD,

If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.  -Denise

Dear GOD,

If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.  -Raphael

Dear GOD,

My brother is a rat.  You should give him a tail.  Ha ha.  - Danny

Dear GOD,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms.  It works with my brother.  -Larry

  Dear GOD,

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.  -Sam

Dear GOD,

You don't have to worry about me.  I always look both ways.  - Dean

Dear GOD,

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.  -Ruth M.

Dear GOD,

I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.  -Elliott

Dear GOD,

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world.  There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.  -Nan

  Dear GOD,

Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.  -Rob

Dear GOD,

My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?  -Marsha

Dear GOD,

If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. Mickey D.

Dear GOD,

I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD,

We read Thomas Edison made light.  But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.  Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:

The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.  -Eddie

Dear GOD,

I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.  -Charles

Dear GOD,

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.  That was cool! -DJ


~KID'S WISDOM~

~A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Their insight may surprise you....~

~Better to be safe than ...... Punch a fifth grader. ~Strike while the ..... Bug is close. ~It's always darkest before ..... Daylight Savings Time. ~Never underestimate the power of ..... termites. ~You can lead a horse to water but ..... how? ~Don't bite the hand that ..... looks dirty. ~No news is ..... impossible. ~A miss is as good as a ..... Mr. ~You can't teach an old dog new ..... math. ~If you lie down with dogs, you'll ..... stink in the morning. ~Love all, trust ..... me. ~The pen is mightier than the ..... pig. ~An idle mind is ..... the best way to relax. ~Where there's smoke there's ..... pollution. ~Happy the bride who ..... gets all the presents. ~A penny saved is ..... not much. ~Two's company, three's ..... the Musketeers. ~Don't put off till tomorrow what ..... you put on to go to bed. ~Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ..... you have to blow your nose. ~None are so blind as ..... Helen Keller. ~Children should be seen and not ..... spanked or grounded. ~If at first you don't succeed ..... get new batteries. ~You get out of something what you ..... see pictured on the box. ~When the blind leadeth the blind ..... get out of the way.
~Author Unknown~

~EXPLAIN GOD~

~Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God".~

~ EXPLAIN GOD One of God's main jobs is making people.  He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies.  I think because they are smaller and easier to make.  That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers."~

~"God's second most important job is listening to prayers.  An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like  preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime.  God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps him pretty busy.  So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."~

~"Atheists are people who don't believe in God.  I don't think there are any in Chula Vista.  At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son.  He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God.  They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven.  So He did.  And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God.  Like a secretary only more important."~

~"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times. You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach.  This is wrong!  And,  besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway."~

~"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you.  I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God".~

~FROM THE MOUTHS OF CHILDREN~

~The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.~

~GOOD FOR THE SOUL~

~Last week, I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said,"God is good. God is great.   Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country! Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"~ ~As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."~

~Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.   He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already."~

~Who said children are getting dumber every year. Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves~

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday? STUDENT: Seven. TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday? STUDENT: Nine. TEACHER: That's impossible. STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS:   George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today         that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLY:   Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY:   Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY:   You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? JOSE:   Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN:   I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am." ELLEN:   All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have? CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

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