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~CHILDREN'S PRAYERS~
~One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up"
during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to
maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the
battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked
sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the
safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the
congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"~
~A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold".
At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you
called God, " Harold"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's
what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our
Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."~
~And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our
trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."~
~During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud
whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified.
She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary,
whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I
asked God to teach me to whistle... And He just then did!"~
~One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me
down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die
before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."~
~A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear
God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his
parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were
having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was
paying attention tonight."~
~A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy
and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.
Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to
you, we're gonna be in a big mess."~
~A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother
says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does
she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"~
~A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, " the mother said. The little
girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"~
~Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a
while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it
over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If
you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I
didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked
Him to help you put up with me."~
~A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me
a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time
like I am!"~
~Dear Pastor~
~Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health
is more important than money but I still want a raise in my
allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota~
~Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying
to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City~
~Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than
sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens~
~Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We
need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10,
Raleigh~
~Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments.
But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already
in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena~
~Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville~
~Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be
one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina~
~Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it
was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron~
~Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad
people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the
newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston~
~TRUE LETTERS~
~Dear Mr. God,
I believe every child should be allowed to cry. I believe every
child should
know the reasons, why. I believe every child should be allowed to
speak the
truth. I believe every child born should live in safety under a
good roof!~
~Dear Mr. God,
My daddy says all attorneys live at the bottom of the ocean. But
I saw one the
other day and he didn't look wet at all. Please explain how they
do this?~
~Dear Mr. God,
Do You have a computer? Do You use a Mac or not, because of all
the troubles
You had with apples? Or do You use a PC? Then You must be using
windows. I'll bet it's a HUGE window too, huh?~
~Dear Mr. God,
Do You walk on the stars? I see them fall every once in a while.
I don't want You to get hurt, so I was wondering if You would use
Super Glue. Have You ever heard of it? It works really good,
believe me! But, please, don't ask me to tell You why!~
~Dear Mr. God,
I get afraid of thunder storms, so my dad told me it was You
playing bowling, but my mom says it's the Angels playing bowling.
I just wanted to know who's winning? And did You know some of
those "strikes" come down here on Earth and start a fire. And
we're told kids shouldn't play with matches. Just watchin
Ya!~
~Dear Mr. God,
I really love Your rainbows. I think of them as your smiles, but
I wonder why they are upside down? Are You standing on Your head?
~
~Dear Mr. God,
If this is truly the land of the free, why does everything cost
so much?~
~Dear Mr. God,
Why do some people treat their dogs and cats better than their
kids?~
~Dear Mr. God,
Time really bothers me. Why does time go so fast when I'm playing
& so slow when I have homework the time seems to last forever? Is
that Your time zone?~
~Dear Mr. God,
Is money is the root of all evil? And I was just wondering where
is the money tree? We could sure use a little more money to make
daddy happier when he's paying the bills. Can You send me the
seed for the money tree? I promise to take good care of it and
share it with everyone who needs help!~
~Dear Mr. God,
Please help me. Which is the right church? I want to get it right
while I'm still little. Thank You!~
~Dear Mr. God,
Do you have a FAX machine or should I keep sending my helium
balloons to You?~
~Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan~
~Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that
okay? Neil~
~Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce~
~Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said
some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I
hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not
going to tell you who I am)~
~Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can
look it up. Bruce~
~Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer
Horton, because I hate her. Denise~
~Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so
much hair all over. Sam~
~Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Elliott~
~Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the
world. There are only four people in our family and I can never
do it. Nan~
~Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the
best. Rob~
~Dear God,
My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.
They are just kidding, aren't they? Marsha~
~Dear God,
If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey~
~Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we
learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely,
Donna~
~Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want
you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God
already. Charles~
~Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you
made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene~
~Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they
had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry~
~TEST PAPER COMMENTS~
~A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers and
essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by
elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.~
~"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"~
~"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
test tube"~
~"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide"~
~"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."~
~"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."~
~"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and
then expectoration."~
~"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
deader."~
~"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire"~
~"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold."~
~"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."~
~"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against
insects."~
~"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the
skeleton is something to hitch meat to."~
~"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight
cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.~
~"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is."~
~"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa."~
~"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."~
~"Liter: A nest of young puppies."~
~"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."~
~"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
~"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."~
~"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."~
~"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."~
~"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."~
~"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."~
~WHAT EVERY MOM SAYS ONE TIME OR ANOTHER~
~If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking
for me!~
~You always find things in the last place you look.~
~Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way.~
~This hurts me more than it hurts you.~
~Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking)~
~This (spank) hurts (spank) me (spank) more (spank)...~
~I want you to go find something for me to spank you with.~
~Mother to my Father: 'He's got my looks and your brains!' 'He's
your son!'~
~I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate.~
~No, you can't go barefoot until it gets warmer.~
~'Hey' is for horses.~
~If you write the thank you note now, you'll get it over
with.~
~Just hold your nose and you can't taste the cough syrup at
all.~
~Let me kiss it and make it better.~
~Carrots are good for your eyes.~
~But Popeye eats all his spinach!~
~Here comes the airplane/train (actually, a spoon with a fetid
object upon it)!~
~Eat all your dinner or no dessert.~
~You COME when I call YOU, you HEAR???!!!~
~Go to your room and don't come out until I say so.~
~I'm very disappointed in you.~
~I can't believe you lost it. You'd lose your head if it wasn't
screwed on tight.~
~No, because if we get a puppy then I'LL end up walking and
bathing and feeding it.~
~Kootchie coo!~
~Mind the babysitter. We'll be back soon! Love you! Be good!~
~Electrical sockets are not for baby.~
~That's just for looks.~
~Don't put that UGH!!!! in your MOUTH!~
~Who squirted toothpaste all over the rug? I'm going to count to
three...~
~NO.~
~If all your friends jumped off the Eiffel Tower, would you jump
too?~
~Don't look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!~
~Go ask your father, you're his fault. Variation: Did you hear
what YOUR son did?~
~Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own!~
~You're in big trouble when your Father comes home!~
~If your not home by 6:00, your grounded!~
~Flush the toilet and wash your hands!~
~Because I SAID so!~
~Just because, that's why.~
~You're grounded.~
~Just do it, or else.~
~If you lose that, I'm taking it away from you!~
~What is that awful racket!? (Metallica being played.)~
~(The wash-your-face-with-spit routine. Oh, MAAAA!)~
~Sit up straight.~
~What is it, Halloween?~
~Eat your beets.~
~Of course you're going to church.~
~You can do much better than 'C''s, God gave you a good
brain.~
~Stop slouching.~
~Don't slam the door. Come back here and close it nicely.~
~Do you know what happened to all the cookies?~
~Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes!~
~I don't know how you can read/watch that trash.~
~In my day, we walked uphill ten miles to school in the snow,
BOTH WAYS!~
~A little hard work never killed anybody.~
~Rise and shine! The early bird catches the worm!~
~The other children aren't laughing AT you, they are laughing
WITH you!~
~You tell that bully to leave you alone or you'll tell the
teacher on him!~
~If the teacher ever calls home again, I'll kill ya!~
~Go to your thinking spot and think about what you did for ten
minutes.~
~(Uses embarrassing nickname in front of your friends.)~
~I'll tuck you in in just a second.~
~Stop running in the house!~
~Did I raise you kids in a barn?~
~Look at this mess!~
~Pick up your room, you'd think a little pig lived here.~
~Hang up your clothes!~
~Your father is a busy man.~
~Take out the trash.`
~What on earth do you need $30 to go to the Mall for??~
~Don't get lost!~
~Look both ways before crossing the street.~
~Say You're sorry.~
~Put it back.
~Put that down.~
~Hold the baby/kitty like THIS, not by its leg/tail.~
~Come here. Come here. Come here.~
~I won't tell you again! * good!~
~When I was a kid seeing a movie cost only 5 cents.~
~Remember, if you tell daddy, I'll have to kill you.~
~What's for dinner? * It's a surprise!~
~Why didn't you go before we got in the car?~
~I don't care what your friend has, you aren't getting one!~
~No, and that's final!~
~One more word out of you kids and there'll be trouble.~
~Who taught you to sit/walk/talk like that!!!!~
~Cut it out right this minute.~
~I have eyes in the back of my head, that's how.~
~Stop bugging your little sister.~
~What do you say?
~What's the magic word?~
~Say 'excuse me'~
~Eat your peas.~
~Half begun is half done.~
~Don't lie to me young man/lady!~
~Go scrub that paint off your face this instant.~
~That bathing suit's too skimpy, hon. Try this one.
~Purple's not your color, you look sallow.
~Stand up straight and stop slouching.~
~A little bit of hard work never hurt anyone.~
~Save a lot, spend a little.~
~Don't run with that. You'll poke your eye out.~
~We worried sick!~
~What will the neighbours think?~
~What did you DO until 4 AM?'~
~Is having a good time all you think about?~
~You're no child of mine!!!~
~Well...What seems to be the problem with you?~
~I'm really worried about your grades!
~I give you a simple job to do,and you can't even do it!~
~There are lots of boys who would love to change places with
you!~
~Where did we go wrong?~
~Keep doing that and you'll go blind!~
~Still Crying?' Whack!!! 'The spanking will continue until YOU
STOP CRYING!'~
~Depressed for no reason? I'll give you a reason to be
depressed!~
~You're going to enjoy this holiday if I have to break every
bone in your body!~
~I'm God Almighty as far as you're concerned! (i.e. do what I
say!)~
~Nothing if you do, HELL if you don't.~
~This is the worst looking pig stye I have ever seen!~
~Bill, er John, er..David..uh.. whats your name, get over
here!~
~Do you know how many HOURS I was in labor with you???~
~I slave for hours over a hot stove and this is the thanks I
get?!~
~Eat it and don't argue, it's good for you.~
~Do you have to do that? (regarding most tom-boyish activities)
~Are you really going to wear that?~
~I thought these shoes were ugly, so I knew you'd like
them.~
~Honestly, sometimes I think you need Garanimals tags on your
clothes.~
~You're so stubborn, you'd argue with the Pope.~
~It's always fun until somebody gets hurt.~
~You kid, whatever your name is!~
~The difference between think and know is, he thinks he's your
father, I know I'm your mother.~
~Some day I will throw this ridiculous machine (my computer) out
of window.~
~Turn the music off! I SAID TURN THE MUSIC OFF!~
~I hate computers.~
~Stop it or I will give you away to the next band of gypsies
that come by.~
~You did WHAT!~
~'Go tell your father he wants you now.'~
~There'll be tears before bedtime!~
~You'll have your eye out with that!`
~When you grow up, I hope you have two, JUST LIKE YOU!!!~
~Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.~
~Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early
grave?~
~You feel bad? How do you think I feel?~
~Aren't you ashamed of yourself?~
~Don't you know any better?~
~Why did the kitty get run over? It was God's will.~
~How could you be so stupid?~
~You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.~
~If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.~
~When are you going to grow up?~
~I'm only doing this for your own good.~
~Why are you crying? Stop crying or I'll give you something to
cry about.~
~What's wrong with you?~
~Someday you'll thank me for this.~
~You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.~
~Don't you have any sense at all?~
~If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.~
~Why? Because I said so.~
~I hope you have a kid just like yourself.~
~Good children always obey.~
~Are you lying, or are you just stupid?~
~Quit acting so childish.~
~Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home.
Knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the
door and way the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That
guy that works for God is here!"~
~My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with her neighbor girl to
church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children
cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host -- in this
case, a piece of bread- he says: "God be with you."
Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came
home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli
took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her
mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice: "God
will get you."~
~We set out our creche for the holidays, and my 5-year-old
daughter, Laura, was watching me put all of the figurines in
it- especially baby Jesus. I explained what a manger was --
that they didn't have a crib for him, so they had to lay a
blanket on the hay and put him there. She thought about that
for a minute, and then she looked at me and said, "Mom, did they
have to use a manger for his car seat, too?"~
~My boss' son is five years old. He attended his first funeral
with his family. I saw him on Sunday and asked him what he
thought of it. His answer, "She was already dead when we got
there."~
~I read your story about the small child saying, "Night-night" to
a body at the funeral home. It reminded me of our small daughter.
We took her to view her great-grandmother, and she asked, "Why
did they put Great-grandma in a jewelry box?"~
~I took Allison to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had
her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch
and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said,
"Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?" And she walked
over and stood on his foot.~
~My son has a pet iguana, and he took it to school to show some
of the other kids. If you've ever seen an iguana, they have a
large flap of skin that hangs down from their neck, and it's
called dewlap.The kids were asking what it was, and he explained,
and a little girl in his class said, "Oh! My grandma has one of
those."~
~I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play,
and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.
One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a
Villager." He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very
excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini
van!"~
~I have two sons, ages 8 & 4, and they were discussing Adam and
Eve.The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam and Eve die?" And the
4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit."~
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