Septi-Logic 101

    Oft-times people ask me how I think up the silly things that appear every month on this page.  Well, that's what people would ask me that if anyone actually read this page-  and if people didn't run in terror every time that someone saw me; but that's a whole different discussion.  Contrary to popular belief, there is a method behind all of the zaniness that appears on these pages, Septi-Logic!  Septi-Logic is my own skewed way of viewing this skewed world that we live in, and of course making fun of it.

    For example, someone pointed out a copy of Teen Beat magazine, (appropriately named that, because I wanted to beat every teen heartthrob that appeared on the cover.) and noted a group called 'N Synch on the cover.  Within seconds, my brain processed the information, and connected 'N Synch with the Beetles.  How does one do that you ask, by using the following step by step progression.  The members of 'N Synch are the unattractive clones of the Backstreet Boys.  The Backstreet Boys are an all male copy of the Spice Girls.  The Spice Girls are the post-gender reassignment operation members of the New Kids on the Block.  The New Kids on the Block are the lilly white copies of Menudo. Menudo is all latino version of the Monkeys.  And we all know that the Monkeys are just a marketing attempt to capture some of the popularity of the Beetles that went horribly, horribly wrong.  You see, it's really very simple.

    Here's another branch of Septi-Logic, Septi-Math.  It's the addition, subtraction, division, multiplication, etc. of different elements in pop culture used to take a decent concept, and create a bunch of stale rip-offs from it.  For this example I will use Hercules as the least common denominator for fantasy/action shows.  Not long after Hercules went on the air, Xena was spun off from it.  Both of these shows have decent acting and the plots are not bad.  (Although it would be nice if they stuck to the myths and history a bit more than they did, but hey, that's show biz babe.)  Seeing the success of both of these shows, television executives scrambled to create cheap knock-offs of them.  Below are the mathematical formulas that you would use to equate Hercules to these different shows.

Hercules - penises + flannel = Xena: Warrior Princess
Hercules - plot - decent acting = Conan: the Series
Hercules - plot - decent acting + really cheesy special effects = The Further Adventures of Robin Hood
Hercules - plot - decent acting + terrible actors + really cheesy special effects = The New Adventures of Sinbad
Hercules - plot - decent acting + (Power Rangers - robots) + hot asian lead character = Mortal Kombat: the Series
Hercules - plot - decent acting + old Maryln Manson + amazingly hot lead character = The Crow: Stairway to Heaven

    It's all simple when you do the math.  You can use Septi-Math and Septi-Logic to demean most any trend or pop phenomenon, try it for yourself.

More of the Rogue's Gallery!

    Shaky Jake is locked up tight in a Veteran's Hospital somewhere in Virginia; he was locked up there before and escaped, so we expect him back sometime soon.  Teeth of Chicklets is now employed at a local gas station; no word yet as to how much she has stolen from them.  Gay for Pay J (formerly known on this page simply as Dirtball) was in rehab for a few months and is back out, and it looks like he's fallen under the wagon again.  And last, but not least, Biggie Bronx went on a crack binge and has threatened to crush me.

Mommie Weirdest:  Septuplet mania hits lovely and scenic Oakland!  But unlike all of those other people who had their babies with fertility drugs, or even people who had real babies, this lady one upped them all by having plastic kids.  It stated out about year ago when we would see her wandering around the local grocery store with her "baby".  It was freaky, but not the nuttiest thing that I ever saw in my life.  About a month ago, we went to the store and saw her with new babies, a stroller filled with seven plastic children, all of whom she thinks are real.  Can you say "Rubber Baby Buggy Bonkers"?

Agents of V.A.G.R.A.N.T. (the Violent, Anti-social, Grimy Regiment for Anarchy, Nihilism and Terror):

The Happy-Go-Puky:  (As named by my friend Rico) Although I've only seen this guy once, he deserves to be preserved in infamy on my list of rogues.  He walked into my store, mouth covered in vomit, and asked if he could stand in the store to get warm.  My co-worker and I didn't say "no", in fear that he might throw up on us in retaliation.  After wobbling a few minutes, and coughing a few times to instill in us the fear of his vomitous wrath, he called us assholes then staggered out of the store.

Scarro the Magnificent:  Just your run-of-the-mill panhandler.  He hangs out with the Hot Dog Vagrant, and his name is derived from the scars that run up and down his arms.  I never really cared to mention him, but recently he tried to get one of my co-workers to give him bills for the nickels and dimes that he begs for on the street, because in his words, "Cabs don't take change."  My co-worker told him no, and to take the bus.  I wish I made enough money to take a taxi, but I work for a living.

Reverend Amish Krunknuts:  Sure he's not a reverend, he's not amish, but he sure is a krunknut.  He wears amish-looking sideburns, and normally dresses in black, giving him that oh-so fundamentalist look that drives all the parishioners wild.  He doesn't do much more than wander around Oakland all day and night carrying around large shopping bag, going from store to store annoying all who are unfortunate enough to be inside.