WHO IS SEPTY?

    I'm 24, living in Pittsburgh. I am a graduate, with a dual Bachelor of Science Degree.  Since I have a degree and graduated Cum Laude, it only makes sense that I work as a sales clerk at a connivance store.  (Yea, economic boom!)  Working a crappy job keeps me nice and disgruntled.

    I'm originally from a small town.  I liked to describe it as a one horse town whose horse died a few decades ago.  Needless to say, I got out of there to a city as soon as I could.  But unfortunately, the city I went to was Pittsburgh.  As the old slogan went: "The big city with a small town feel."  They got the small town thing right.  If you don't watch sports or drink alcohol, you're going to be bored.  We've got the Stillers, and the Buckos, and the Pens.  We don't have jobs, economic development, or hope.  I guess it balances out.
 

WHAT IS THIS THING? 

    Yes, that is the genuine, one-of-a-kind, state of the art Septy-Symbol!  Why is it here?  I like to doodle a lot, and figured that I'd need something to fill up the blank space, so there it is. One of life's little mysteries solved.   I'll probably put some of my other designs on later pages.
 

THE ROGUE GALLERY.

        You can learn a lot about a man by his enemies.  Where would our hero be without a bunch of villains?  Probably someplace a lot happier.  This is a partial list of the various psychos and schizoids that annoy me on a daily basis.

Straw-Boy:  This psycho boy's modus operandi is to try to get cigarettes or a light from a passing girl, start talking to her, and then stalk her.  Don't feel too bad for him it you think that he gets lonely, then voices in his head keep him company when he's not busy stalking anyone.  He also likes to come in my store and fondle the women's magazines.  He's called straw boy because he enjoys a certain type of straw, and he proceeds to molest those straws when he gets them.

Two Pants: Little is known about this nut job.  His distinguishing characteristic is that he wears two pairs of pants.  Hot or cold, rain or shine, there he is in both of his pants.  He likes to follow people and yell at inanimate objects.  I don't think he got enough love as a child.  Or he just needs a good old fashioned beat down.

Snotty:  The original font o' mucus. Brown tobacco stains on his hands, a puddle of phlegm where he stands.

Snotty 2/ CatMan: The second of the overactive mucus membrane trio.  Wipes his boogers with a napkin, rubs it on his bald head, then licks the napkin.  He hangs around for hours leaking on every clean surface that he can find.

Snotty 3/ Tic Tac: Just to see him walking across the street, you'd think him normal, but when you get close, the horror becomes apparent.  His always seems to have very interesting and intellectually stimulating conversations- with himself.  He also has a post nasal drip that makes Niagara Falls look like a leaky faucet.  And let's not forget why he has the name Tic Tac.  Because he pops his medication like breath mints.  Maybe, just maybe, they need to up the dosage a smidg.

The Flash(er):  When the weather gets warm, all the women go outside, and he gets out too... of his pants.  He walks around in tight shorts that aren't quite long enough.  He holds a newspaper in front of himself, and when a girl gets near- FLASH!  He tends to follow them into my store, until a certain disgruntled and cranky clerk scares him away.

The Watcher:  A dirty old perv who has a penchant  for staring at young men.  Follows them around, and tries to get these kids to talk to him.  In one case, he tried to look at some guy's I.D. when he was being carded for cigarettes.  He wanders around and generally looks like an escapee from some booby hatch.

Hand Job:  If you need to get in contact with the aliens, look no further than this guy.  He wears an alien communicator on his hand (no joke!) made of bits of wire and other metal objects that he scavenges like a sparrow building a nest.  He has his cigarette holder wired in there too, it's fashionable and functional.  Some of of the most bizarre behavior that I've seen from him includes jumping over the welcome mat in my store, not just once, but every time. One time he was in, he had to wait 3 or 4 minutes by the front door to get out because people kept coming and going, not giving him the chance to jump out.  He eventually panicked, and jumped into the door with a thud, and ran out.  (See, it's that sparrow thing again...)

Mary Thorazine:  Voted Miss Psychotic Oakland in 1996.  This apostle is deluded into thinking that I look like Jesus (I told her that she was thinking in the wrong direction.  Think down.) and that she wanted to have holy children with me. And don't let me forget that she put a hex on my store because one of my co-workers did something that she didn't like.  She eventually rescinded the curse when she put in an application to work there.  The curse on my store is much stronger than any thing that you could conjure.  It's called minimum wage.

Hot Pants:  Many a morning have we seen Hot Pants trolling down from the local park after a busy night turning tricks.  This is someone who has to be seen to be believed.  Shorty shorts, half shirt with his chunky monkey belly sticking out, dirt on his legs and back, and that toothless grin from ear to ear that would make any mama proud.  Oh, yeah, did I forget to mention that he likes to do (horrible) drag too?  Ru Paul, your job is in danger.  The proof that there are gay men out there who feel the need to punish themselves for being gay.  And that punishment is to deal with Hot Pants.

The Petroleum Jelly Bandit:  Once a week, he comes.  Comes to get his supply of petroleum jelly and Deluxe Ultra Light Menthol cigarettes.  And just as quickly as he arrives, he whisks off into the night to wank himself silly until the next week.

Halitor- Master of Bad Breath:  Imagine the living avatar of all things Goth.  Then imagine the dirtiest, stinkiest person that you've met.  Combine those two, and you get Halitor- Master of Bad Breath!  This poser-boy would harass anyone who wore even the least amount of black.  ("Are you Goth?")  He smelled like rancid mayonnaise and rotten italian dressing, the combination that he dribbled on himself when he ate.  There were snow drifts of dandruff on his shoulders from not washing his dyed black hair.  The real Goths really, really disliked him.

Agents of V.A.G.R.A.N.T. (the Violent, Anti-social, Grimy Regiment for Anarchy, Nihilism and Terror):
    This group's objective is world domination.  They are working to achieve their goal one nickel at a time.  Disguised as the homeless and innocent bums, their evil machinations may come to fruition!

-Shaky Jake:  The leader of the group.  He poses as a feeble old man, but don't underestimate is genius intellect.  It is believed that he is responsible for the fires and riots in California, fighting in Bosnia, and amazingly enough, the sinking of the Titanic!   Actually, he's just a a stinky old drunk who shakes all the time and urinates on himself and everything else he sees.  (But I figured that maybe I could get a movie deal if I mentioned the Titanic.)

-Rasta-Bum:  An outstanding (quite literally) citizen of Oakland for over 13 years.  He shakes his cup of change and frightens the people of this fair city.  He was recently arrested, and we may (hopefully) never see him again.

-Biggie Bronx:  If he's big, and from the Bronx, he must be Biggie Bronx.  This loony bum likes to yell at people and tell them that: first, he is one of  the true children of god and will eventually destroy them all, and second, that they are all pawns of the "Man".  He's available for weddings, birthday parties, and Bar mitzvahs!
 
-The Dirt-namic Duo:  They have been lovingly dubbed "Dances with Lice" and "Teeth of Chicklets" by the local students.  This couple is the Romeo and Juliet of the homeless set.  Actually, Curt Cobain and Courtney Love would be more appropriate.  No, how about Courtney Love and a syringe full of heroine.  They do everything together: shoplift, burglarize, pan handle, perform Satanic rituals, beat the crap out of Teeth of Chicklets.  Oh, wait, I guess that's something that Dances with Lice does by himself.