RELIGION
    Citing declining attendance and slowing funds, Pope Guido Shecky the II will make changes the make the church more readily accessible.  First all altar boys will be replaced by busty altar babes.  Also in the back of the pews in the churches, televisions with satellite hook-ups, and also internet connections for laptop computers.  Communion wafers will be made in nacho, ranch, pizza, and cheddar cheese flavors, and sacrament wine will be exchanged for rum or wine coolers, depending on your taste.
    But probably the most commercial turn will be the Vatican Shopping Channel.  Much like cable shopping channels, but will be the exclusive distributors of Pope-Gear.  Shoes, socks, pants, shorts, T-shirts, hats, and exercise clothes; Pope-Wear.  Other items offered include Pope-on-a-rope the holy soap, the hunky Bishops of the Vatican calendar, and the most popular item in the channel's history, the Shroud of Turin Beach towel.

MOVIES
    I'm sorry to say it, but they're not going to get any better.  In about five years, the movie Titanic 2 is going to come out.  Some "brilliant visionary" will write a story about all of the people on the Titanic being cloned and somehow miraculously they all look just five years older.  Yes, its two and a half hours of the laws of biology and also physics being sodomized in a way that only Hollywood's finest can.  (And you know that someone in Hollywood is thinking, "Hmmmm...  Clones..."

    Next year, spurred on the success of Titanic, disaster movies will be all the rage.  But volcanos, earthquakes, floods, fire, tornados, meteors, and the other "dramatic" disasters have all been done, so Hollywood is going to have to try to squeeze as much as they can from less exciting events.  In the movie High Humidity, Joe Peshi plays a scientist who is trying to determine why the humidity is rising.  (Actual quote from Joe Peshi's character, "Mr. President, if we don't stop the humidity, everyone in shorts is going to sick to their vinyl car seats.  Hey, you listen here!  F*** you!  Yeah, F*** you Mr. Leader-Of-The-Free-World.  F*** you and your damn cat!")  Also next year, Dew Point, a movie about morning dew.  (Movie quote, "When the dew falls, so does humanity.")  Just in time for Christmas comes Jack Frost.  Keanu Reeves plays a gardener trying to save his perennials from a cold snap.  All in all, another banner year.  Save your place in line now.

    In fifteen years, expect a much droopier revival of the Spice Girls with Spice World II.  It seems that the pop tarts second movie will have them running to the mall and grocery store with their kids, and let's not forget the excitement of them running from Jenny Craig to their mobile homes to get ready for their "girl power" party.  Big excitement.

    In twenty years every television show that's ever been made will have been made into a movie.  In thirty years every movie that's ever been made will have been turned in to a television show.  In fifty years after they remake Herman's Head, The Real World(I through LXXVII), and Baywatch Nights movies, Neo-Hollywood is going to turn to late night television for new material.  First, re-runs of old talk shows will be made.  (If you think Three hundred pound, cross-dressing, Physical Education teachers who turn tricks on the Senate floor fighting each other is scary now, just wait until really bad actors are re-creating the scene.  Frightening...)  Next, infommercials will be fair game.  End the Insanity, the Thigh-Miser, and Amazingly-Fantastic New Products and movies like that will flood the market.  (And through the magic of special effects, some of the products will actually work!)  And lastly, during the death-throws of Neo-Hollywood, 900 Number commercials will transformed into movies.

    Not too long after that, a JFK-like, "historical" dramatization will be made based on the life of Sean "Puffy" Combes.  The movie will be so boring and bad that the Earth's orbit will decay and plummet into the sun.