What will next year be like?  Much like this year, only worse.  You don't believe me?  Hey, who's the one with the psychic vision.  Here are some of the highlights of 1999.  And contrary to popular belief, we will actually party like it's 1956.  Strange, but true.

    Visions of Princess Diana and Mother Theresa start appearing all over the world on the next anniversary of their deaths.  Hundreds of thousands of people flock to the places where they were last seen, so they both join up with the vision of the Virgin Mary and go on a world tour.  The tour grosses more than the Rolling Stone's Steel Wheelchair and Michael Jackson's History tours combined.

    Oprah has a breakdown, and then develops Howard Hughes Syndrome.  The bad news is that she will refuse to leave her bedroom; the good news is that she will start filming her show from there.  The shows ratings will remain strong, until she starts interviewing her stuffed animals.

    Bruce Will and Demi Moore will both end up in slumps due to a quick divorce.  Needing publicity, they will both have sex change operations and then remarry each other.  Despite all of this effort, their new movies will stink and flop at the box office anyway.

    Realizing that there is a vast untapped market waiting for the right product, the man who invented the Furby will create an interactive bong targeted at college students.  The Furbong will allow students to smoke pot, and it will learn over 200 phrases.  It will speak its own unique language that people will understand when they are stoned.  Prompted by the unimaginable success of this product, the inventor will then create an interactive, animated, speaking computer toy in the form a Virgin Mary statuette called the Virby.

    The El Nino weather phenomena will make an early return next year, not to the Pacific Ocean, but to the court room.  It seems that the much maligned current will sue all of the meteorologists and "weather experts" who blamed it for any unusual weather for libel and slander.  The matter will be resolved quickly before going to trial for an undisclosed eight figure sum.

    In a shocking revelation, new evidence will show that Princess Diana was indeed murdered.  At first the British Government and Queen Elizabeth will be blamed, but a confidential source will reveal that the murder was actually a conspiracy by the tabloid magazines to increase readership.

    Also in British news, Prince Charles will dump Camilla to date Margaret Thachter.  The combination of that much unattractiveness will cause part of the British Isles to sink into the sea.

    The divorce of Pamela Anderson Lee and Tommy Lee will finally go to court next year.  While on the witness stand, Pamela's breast implants will swell up to fifty times their normal size, then burst, killing nine and injuring twenty-eight.

    And finally, all of Hollywood will be caught in an uproar when it is discovered that Fran Dreshcer is actually not from New York and Jewish!  It turns out that she is actually a Christian farm girl from Boise, Idaho who created the persona as a con to get her own TV show.  Also her trademark laugh will be shown to be phony as well, after it is proven that no human being can create a noise that annoying.  Scientists will demonstrate that it was created by manipulating the sound of a car alarm through a complex series of audio filters with a super computer!