(Warning!!  Just like everything else on these web pages, this is all a joke.  I don't need the feds thinking that I'm a militia group intending to topple the government.)

    In 2004, after being trapped and forced to watch The Muppets Take the White House, I will finally be pushed to the point that I decide to take over the world.  I will make a new sit com called Neurotic, Straight, White, Christian, Twenty-Soemthing, Trendy People.  Hypnotic messages will be hidden in the hit show, and these messages will turn the average NBC sit com watcher to my will.  With this simple minded audience behind me, I will have no problem becoming supreme ruler of the Earth!  I will then have the power to stop all of the other horrific predictions that I have made, including the Earth falling into the Sun because of the "Puffy Combes" Saga movie.  Humanity will be ushered into a golden age of peace and prosperity that has never been seen in all of recorded history.

How Life Will Be Better After I Achieve World Domination!

Chapter 4

    This month I will explain how I will create a happier world by trying to make the populace more intelligent.

    "I believe that children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way."  That's not just a song lyric, that's a particularly dumb song lyric, but it does bring me to a point; education is paramount for a culture to survive and thrive.  Anyone who knows me will tell you that my motto is: "Education and knowledge are the roads which we must travel to better society."  (Well, actually my motto is "better living through bondage", but that education crap seemed more apropo for this particular essay.)

    Currently the highest paid individuals on the planet these days are CEO's and professional athletes.  So the most valuable people in our society are people who grind companies into the ground and exploit the consumers, and guys who chuck balls around.  Not so after I take over the world.  First off, teachers will be paid multi-million dollar fees to educate our youth.  This will attract the best to the field.  Also, more funding will be given to research in all fields of science.

    Another improvement that will be enacted involves the internet.  I envision a world wide web that contains all human knowledge collected over the course of history.  Much like the great library of Alexandria, everything that you could wish to know will be brought together in one location.  But unlike Alexandria, the knowledge will also be backed up in several areas all over the planet, that way the tragedy that befell the great library will not happen again.  A vast, free source of anything that you could wish to learn about, all easily accessible via computer.  This would be accessible from libraries and schools, because funding for computers would be increased as well under my rule.

    And while I on the subject, I'd like to tirade about the internet for a moment.  We all know that if it weren't for pornography, there would be no such thing as the Internet as we know it.  What is going to draw more hits: "granny's quilting tips", or "all nude all the time"?  Many argue that pornography causes violence against women, that violence portrayed will cause men to see females a degraded sex objects and dehumanize all women everywhere.  But evidence suggests that it is violence, not the pornography that causes an increase in violent attitudes; and that violent content without pornography will also cause the same attitudes.  There is nothing wrong with pornography in moderation.  (I'll admit to searching out gay asian bondage pictures on more than one occasion.)  But the key is moderation.  Someone obsessed with pornography is someone who needs to be watched- but then again, someone obsessed with serial killers needs to be watched, and someone obsessed with fire is someone who needs to be watched.  But the great argument is "We have to protect our children!"  It's not, "We need more time to watch our children", but, "We need someone else to prevent our kids from getting ahold of stuff that we don't want them to get ahold of, because we don't feel like being bothered by them, so be a doll and enact some regulations that will take a way everyone else's rights, 'kay?"  I firmly believe that people who provide adult services should protect their site so that kids can't get in, make their sites compatible with blocking technology- but it is up to the parents to make sure that their computers have the blocking technology installed and working.  This is not an unreasonable burden to put upon anyone.  Being interested in sex is a natural, human behavior.  Up until the late 70's or early 80's, no one on this Earth got here by any other means than by two people having sex, and sometimes by more than just two people.  Now that that's out of my system, I'm done

    Next month I will describe how I will improve the world's intelligence by destroying all copies of Paul Riser's AT&T commercials.