Ever since I started this web page, people on the street have been walking up to me and asking what else is in store for humanity.  Well, not really, most people run in the other direction when they see me walking down the street.  But that's because I carry a smoking uzi in one hand and a bloody sword in the other.  But if they did come up to me, they would ask me what else is in store for humanity.  Here's what we have to look forward to.  Reserve your cyanide caplets (in non childproof containers) now.

    I was reading the horoscope a few days ago, and I realized just how bad it was at predicting my life.  ("Virgo: Venus is going to stimulate your love life!"  Filthy liar!)  So I figured that I would use my amazing and astonishing psychic powers to tell you about your next month.

HORROR SCOPE FROM YOUR PSYCHIC BASTARD

Aries (March 21 - April 19)  In a freak meteor accident, all Aries are going to die at once.  Yes, the world's populace is going to decrease by one twelfth on the 15th.  Get your affairs in order now.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)  International travel highlighted this month.  You're going to Europe, your luggage is going to Antarctica.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)  Networking is highlighted this month.  Your cable TV is going out, so dust off your old antenna.  Since Gemini have dual aspects in their personalities, don't bother taking your self to the movies, you aren't going to put out.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)  Pisces are working behind the scenes.  They're all conspiring against you. They're all out to get you.  But you can get the jump on them.  Let the good folks at your local mental hospital know about the evil plot involving the killer basset hounds.  They'll help you there.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) Family status looms important.  Remember when that condom broke, well guess what.  Moon position highlights your ability to find lost socks.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)  Contrary to popular belief, Virgos are very sensual people.  We may be smart and orderly, but give us the chance, and we'll tie you to the bed faster than you can say "Dominatrix".  But guess what, since my life is the indicator for 1/12th of the world, you're not getting any this month, and you hate your job.  Life sucks.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) When you're hot, you're hot.  Now get your head out of the oven and take a night out on the town.  What was at first a mystery will now become clear.  Just watch the end of Murder, She Wrote this time..

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)  Wow Scorpio, I've never seen this before.  You couldn't get lucky in a brothel even if you had a wallet full of hundreds.  For the guys, don't expect a date any prettier than Charles Bronson in a dress, and the gals shouldn't expect a full social calendar either.  But the good news is that guys are always getting out of prison.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec 21) Focus on harmony this month.  Your barber shop quartet sounds horrible.  The tenor is flat too. Going out to dinner will help break rut.  And I don't mean McDonald's you tightwad.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Buck up, with Jupiter in your house of socializing, you're going to be parting down.  Or your good mood could be because you had that big wart removed from your chin.  You'll  gain added recognition at work, but that's because you'll forget to wear pants.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb. 18) How would you like all of your dreams come true?  It's won't happen unless you call my Psychic Bastard Phone Line.  Just think, you can purchase happiness for just $4.99 a minute!  Taurus involved, just don't let him near the china shop.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) Shake up at work.  You'll be a victim of downsizing.  But don't worry too much, fast food is always hiring.   Conspiracy against Cancer native is going very well.