(Warning!!  Just like everything else on these web pages, this is all a joke.  I don't need the feds thinking that I'm a militia group intending to topple the government.)

    In 2004, after being trapped and forced to watch Oh, Oprah!  The Musical, I will finally be pushed to the point that I decide to take over the world.  Using state-of-the-art animatronics and artificial intelligence software, I will create a near perfect android.  But even with all of this technology, the social interactions will be clumsy and it will be completely devoid of a personality.  This will be of no matter though, because I will disguise the android as a computer geek so no one will notice.  I will then send the android back in time to create a software company who will create an operating system that will dominate the computer industry, and eventually allow me to become supreme ruler of the Earth!  This will give me the power to stop all of the other horrific predictions that I have made, including the Earth falling into the Sun because of the "Puffy Combes" Saga movie.  Humanity will be ushered into a golden age of peace and prosperity that has never been seen in all of recorded history.
 

How Life Will Be Better After I Achieve World Domination!

Chapter 5

    This month I will explain how I will create a happier world by creating a few new necessary laws.

    Let's face it, life can sometimes be excruciating and unbearable.  And what causes this suffering?  People do.  These people need to be punished for making the rest of us miserable.  The following is a list of just some of the new crimes and punishments that will be enacted after I take over the world.

    The following statement will be placed at the beginning of any paid program like advertisements:  "The following program is a paid advertisement.  The claims of this program are plainly and patently false.  Any one who buys the products advertised on this program obviously does not deserve their money, and should be bludgeoned.  Remember, no matter how charismatic the hosts of the program are, no matter how much you loved the now washed up sit-com or soap opera stars, and no matter how convincing the audience who is paid a lot of money to be there is, do not believe the pack of vicious lies that you are about to watch.  Do not buy this product, or better yet, do not watch this.  There must be something better than this on right now, like a re-run of Night Court, Homicide, or The Simpsons, even The Facts of Life is better than this!  How about the Weather Channel?  In four or five hours you can see the local forecast, so check out the five day forecast for outer Mongolia in the mean time.  If you don't want to do that, watch some static instead.  It is far more entertaining, and infinitely more educational than this paid program like advertisement could ever hope to be."

    And speaking of paid program like advertisements, any actor who willingly participates in one of these accursed "infommercials" will be forced to use the product that he or she hawked for life.

    For her crimes, the criminal Cher will be locked in a room and forced to listen to that damned song Believe until the end of time.  She will be punished because one night when I was working, I was forced to listen to that horrid Believe song six times in seven hours.  She must suffer as I have.

    The streets are clogged full of cars, there are too many people driving.  This isn't about fossil fuels, just the sad fact that most people behind the wheels can't drive.  Here's a law that applies mostly to Pittsburgh; anyone who slows down in front of the tunnels will immediately have their licenses revoked.  Some of the other crimes and punishments.  Not stopping at a stop sign or red light, the first offense is a beating, second is a loss of license.  Cutting someone off only to slow down in front of them, first offense will be the loss of Geritol and denture creme privileges.  Not conceding the right of way, first offense tires slashed.

    Any lawyer who engages in sleazy tactics to get guilty criminals out of charges not only endangers the public, but also brings dishonor to all of justice.  To try to discourage this behavior, any lawyer who stoops to sleazy tactics will be forced to live with the criminals that they free.

    One of my wishes is to make prison a less attractive place to be.  To this end, I have big change in mind.  Prisoners have gotten used to many luxuries that many of us who work for a living can't afford.  Air conditioning and cable are pipe dreams to many.  Now I can't get rid of the cable, but I can make it unpleasant.  So new channels will be created just for prison.  They will all feature: the Acting Troupe of the Damned.  Members of the Acting Troupe of the Damned will include: lead actor, William Shatner; annoying impressionist from Full House, Dave Coulet; terrible action star Bruce Willis; annoying talk show hostess and poor singer, Rosie O'Donnel; uninteresting and irritating comedian, Adam Sandler; yet another annoying talk show hostess, Roseanne; slow motion runner and German singing sensation, David Haselhoff; former Saturday Night Live actress and not much else, Victoria Jackson; another one hit wonder from Saturday Night Live, Rob Schnider; skinny broad, Callista Flockhard; guy who should be rocketed back to outer space, French Stewart; the inexplicable recipient of and Emmy and an Oscar for no apparent reason, Hellen Hunt; weirdo, Christopher Walken; boring sit-com actress, Courtney Cox; and many more.  The Acting Troupe of the Damned will make movies and television show to be viewed by all of the prisoners so no one will want to be in jail.  Also the members of the Acting Troupe of the Damned will also be incarcerated so they won't be able to make movies and television shows to torment the rest of society.

    Next month I will continue describing how I will improve life by creating giant transforming robots to not only protect us from alien invadors, but to also entertain the masses and highly marketable action figures.