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Dear loyal readers. Summer camp out in
the country sucks ass. There are vagrants in all of the tents, the air
is smoggy, everything smells funny, and all of the greenery has been paved
over. Oh, wait, I never left Oakland. Never mind.
Welcome to the Septi-Verse 2.0++. I would apologize for taking so long to
update my page, but it's not like people were ramming the gates of the castle
to get me to make new pages. Sign my guestbook, damn it!
Let's start with some news that I really don't care about. The Penguins are staying Pittsburgh, and I'm doing everything that I can to contain my delight. And while I'm talking about sports, NBC has rehired Marv Albert to provide commentary again. So get ready for Marv Albert's Porn Bloopers any day now. Yeeeesss!
Did anyone see the OJ Simpson legal referral program commercial? I wish that I could have seen it, because I'm curious about his lines. "Use these lawyers who wouldn't have got me out of murder charges." "For just $20,000 an hour, you too can get competent legal representation."
The Army is having trouble getting recruits, and were short over 4,000 people last year. Great idea, throw out more gays and lesbians to make up the difference. A military spokesperson said that people "forget about military benefits like paid training and college tuition." Let's not forget that other great benefit of military service: welfare.
"I'm dead Jim!" or "Damn it Jim, I'm a corpse, not a doctor!" Internet chat rooms everywhere fell silent when the news that DeForest Kelly, Dr. "Bones" McCoy from Star Trek, was dead had spread o'er the world. The cause of death has yet to be determined; it is suspected that he was either a victim of Romulin phaser fire, turned into anti-matter, or was sucked into a tesserect. His body was fired on to a planet slated for the "Genesis Project", so it is expected that he will return for the next sequel.
And while we are speaking about doctors, Dr. Jack Kevorkian was convicted of 2nd degree murder. The jury, who deliberated for 12 hours, also charged the doctor, who never kept a patient , of improperly delivering a controlled substance. Kevorkian said after the verdict, "Manslaughter I could understand how they could arrive at that. But murder? This?... They must have been an astonishingly cruel jury." He continued, "If they were caring people, they would have shot me up with secobarbital and aired it on national TV."
Geek turned mundane author, Steven King, was hit by a mini van and was rushed to a hospital. He suffered a broken hip and some other stuff that I really didn't care enough to find out about, since he doesn't matter in my universe, and doctors expect him to be all right. (They say everything is gonna be all right, rock-a-bye.) Expect some new bland Steven King novels made into TV movies out in the next few weeks: Killer Van, a vicious van roams the countryside, searching out and striking down uninteresting writers out on walks; The Ambulance of Doom, people are loaded up into an ambulance, so their organs can be sold for cash; the Doctor, in a hospital patients are disappearing, is the doctor a big, scary spider; and Predictability, a humdrum writer is injured and is taken to a hospital, and a psychotic nurse kidnaps him, then puts him on an alien space ship with a killer dog.
So what do you have in store for this month in the
Septi-Verse? The Comprehensive Rogues Gallery in About
Septy. More world domination fun in Glimpse
into the Future. Political Skeletons and that Fabulous Fag Hag
in Links 'N Stuff. A Star Wars
basin' good time in Special. The mysterious
wonderland known as "The Back" in True
Tales of Stupidity. Pat Buchanan and Colimbine in Tirade.
You can always get to see the new Virtual Post Cards, Previous Septi-Pages,
and the all new feature Pictures and News from the Index.
Don't forget to Sign my
Guestbook and then Read my Guestbook.
And send mail to septy@geocities.com
for questions and comments about the new format and stuff.
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