It's the first ever Golden Septy Awards.  This is the part of my page where the people and events of the year get the recognition that they so richly deserve.
 

    Most Elusive 1998:  The real killers of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman.  It's been almost 5 years now that these maniacs have been on the loose, and they are no closer to being caught.  Not only are the police and the FBI trying to find them, but OJ is scouring every golf course that he can  to catch these fiends.  The runners up for this award are the real killers of Jon Benet Ramsey.  Investigators payed off by the parents think that they're probably the same person.

    Selling Yourself Like a Corner Ho' Award:  Who's more deserving of this award than everyone's favorite corner ho', Michael Jordan?  Flash him enough cash and he'll do whatever you want.  Phones, batteries, athletic wear,  give him enough money and he'd probably even make condoms with his head emblazoned on the top.

    Revisionist History Award:  Rewriting the past in a way that I thought that only Disney could do.  Cher is telling every one who will listen how much she loved Sonny, and how his death saddens her so.  It's amazing that when he was alive she couldn't mention his name with out spitting.  I guess you have to lose someone to know how much they mean to you.  In this case, I guess the "how much" must be money.

    Most Overrated Commercial:  The Gap Khaki commercials swing.  Not really, but people in the entertainment  business keep rimming the commercial.  There was a segment on one of those mindless morning drivel programs on how the freeze-frame camera pan that was used in the spot was created.  I thought that morphing technology was utilized, but it was nothing quite that interesting.  Maybe I'm just biased against swing music, since more talented and creative people were on this trend over a half century ago.

    Most Unlikely Political Hero:  I never in my life thought that I would ever, EVER write this phrase:  thank you Larry Flint.  (I feel so dirty.)  But Flint's million dollar reward for proof of an affair with a politician brought down Robert Livingston.  After Flint promised to expose "dozens of affairs" that Livingston had (some are rumored to have happened with political lobbyists) over the years, Livingston stepped down (or was forced down) from the Speaker of the House position.  For that reason, and that reason only, I salute you, Larry Flint.

    The Hypocritical Oath:  None other than radio shrink and nude model Dr. Laura Schlessinger could get this honor.  How she loves to yell at people to admit their own mistakes and how they should be more moral.  The naked photos were taken by a married professor with whom she was having an affair.  From what I hear, the professor released the photos because he was tired of the holier-than-thou attitude that she preached over the radio.  It's amazing what comes back to you when you spend all of your time looking down your nose at people.

    Gramps of the Year:  All of the other magazines are praising Harrison Ford, so why should I not follow the crowd?  Vanity Fair and People named him man of the year and sexiest man of the year respectively.  So what did he do this year that got so much attention for him?  Got me.  Maybe it was that movie with that cute little lesbian girl.

    Eat a Meal Award 1998:  Calista Flockhart come on down.  Whether or not the "A-word" can be applied to her, I don't know anyone who thinks that she looks healthy.  She has that ever so sexy "jutting bone" and "see my skeleton" look that turns all of the heads.  But that doesn't mean that she's not eating, she just has a high metabolism.  A close second goes to the emaciated Celene Dion.  If I had the cash to do it, I'd send both of these gals an all-you-can-eat coupon to the Sizzler or Ponderosa or some place like that.

    Schmuck of the Year, 1998:  Was there ever any doubt in anybody's mind who this would be?  Of course I'm talking  about Ken Starr.  How much money was spent on his Whitewater investigation that yielded absolutely nothing of worth?  How much time was wasted on bug planters and bimbos in the White House?  How stupid does the American government look in the eyes of the world because of an Impeachment?  And it's a good thing too that he wasted all of that money on the investigation, otherwise it might get wasted on lessening the national debt, feeding orphans, or (worst of all) bettering public schools in low income neighborhoods.  So thank you Mr. Starr,  thank you for making 1998 a little more unpleasant, schmuck.