Eggs N' Cream:

    One night, as I suffered endlessly at the bad place, a college student came into the store with his girlfriend.  He looked over at the newest machine that we had, a frozen coffee and fruit drink machine.  After examining it, he asked, "Are there eggs in the orange cream drink?"

    Since the product was new to our store, we weren't quite sure what was in it.  It could have egg in it.  It could have artificial flavors instead of real fruit.  It could have goat's blood in it too, we just weren't sure.  So to be nice, my co-worker volunteered to go check the ingredient list.

    As she was in back, the student poured himself a glass of the orange cream drink.  When she came out of the cooler with a bottle of the liquid, she proclaimed that the frozen delight did not, in fact, have any egg products.

    The student said, "That's good, because I'm allergic to eggs."  Just as he was about to take a drink of the semi-solid confection, he looked up and asked, "Do you think that it has any dairy in it?"

    "Hmm...  Could a product called 'orange cream' have any dairy in it?"   I looked at him and asked, "Do you think that orange and cream could possibly have any dairy products in it?"

    He paused as the rusted gears in his head stared to spin, and said, "Yeah, I guess it does."

    So I took the glass, and poured its fruit-like goodness down the drain.

    What should we learn from this story?  If we are allergic to different foods, the we should be on the look out for subtle clues that may give us the heads up to their presence in the foods we eat.  For example; if you are allergic to chicken, a sandwich called the "Chicken Club" may be a clue that you don't want to eat it.  If you are allergic to milk products, then you may want to avoid the "Dairy Queen".

Don't Let the Homeless Live with You (Part One):

    Long time readers of the Septi-Verse will remember Halitor- Master of Bad Breath.  Long ago, Halitor lived in an apartment with someone.  Finally, the guy had enough of the rancid stench that lingers about the stinky goth, and moved out.  Halitor could not afford the rent by himself, so he set out to find new roommates.  He found the Dirtnamic Duo- Dances with Lice and Teeth of Chicklets.  They were part of his satanic coven, (as if the dark and arcane forces of the universe would listen to any of them) so he figured that they would be swell roommates.  The old roommate got his name off of the lease, they moved in, and the smelly fun commenced.

    Things started off all right, but then Halitor started noticing little idiosyncrasies about his roommates.  Like they were trashing the apartment.  And they were spray painting the walls.  When he finally moved out, supposedly Dances with Lice slashed Halitor's water bed, sending a lot of water flowing through their apartment, and into the apartment below.  (Although this is a disputed claim.  Some believe that Halitor slashed the water bed himself to get revenge on the Dirtnamic Duo, but that just doesn't make sense.)

    As a result of this, Halitor owed a lot of money in damages, and skipped town.  After rumors of his suicide, he came back to town, and got involved in a lengthy process of fighting the damage fees.  On the other hand, Teeth of Chicklets and Dances with Lice simply moved back on to the street, and continued to be homeless smack addicts.  Supposedly, Teeth of Chicklets has cleaned up her act and is off of smack with a child, but how long until the lure of the streets and the needle bring her back for more?

    Now, call me silly, but maybe, just maybe, if they are out on the street you should leave them there.  I know that they are in your coven, they seem like the nicest smack addicts around, but you shouldn't bring them into your house.  How do you suppose that they will support themselves and pay the bills?  Those valuable change begging skills that they acquired?  I know that it would seem to be fun to have the homeless version of Melrose Place to take place around you, but do you want to be around that many vagrants?   The next time that you need a roommate, try getting someone who is used to living in a house or an apartment.