Due to an incident involving The Guardian Shoplifter, he was banned from the store until the end of time.  This is a copy of a letter that I had to send the the local office because he keeps calling to bitch about being banished.  The words in boldface were changed to protect my name and the crazy.  This is the level of hell that I live in.
 

To Whom It Most Concerns:

    This letter is in regard to a customer banned from this store by the name of The Guardian Shoplifter.  He is a security guard in the employ of Insane Guards Inc. and works in the dormitories of the local university.  Our problems with him began early last summer when one of my co-workers caught him stealing coffee (along with the cups).  He would come into the store, go over to the coffee isle, get a cup, pour out coffee, and then leave without paying.  When my co-worker confronted him about his theft, he said that guards get free coffee from our store.  She corrected him, and asked him to pay for his coffee, he refused, and left the coffee here.

    He did not come back into the store until the end of last year, when he started to steal condiments, including the very expensive flavored coffee creamers.  In the past, he had lied to me by saying that he has a police officer, so I would let him take 2 or 3 creamers a night; but in December he was taking two or three hands full of creamers and I had uncovered his lie.  When I approached him about his creamer usage, he said that he needed them for coffee that he had bought from the store on the earlier shift.  I informed him that he needs to take his creamers when he buys his coffee, and that a two dozen creamers for a 20 oz coffee is too much, so he needed to limit his creamer consumption; which he did not.

    One night, while practicing his new hobby: preparing food that he did not buy here in our microwave, one of my co-workers approached him and asked him to not do that anymore.  While walking out of the door, The Guardian Shoplifter called my co-worker an explicative term and left.  A police officer was in the store and heard the comment.  He asked me what was said, I repeated it, and the officer said that that is what he had heard as well.

    This brings us to the night that I barred him from the store.  I came to work at 10:50PM, and started preparing for my shift.  The Guardian Shoplifter walked into the coffee isle and poured a cup of coffee then put two creamers into it.  I stood in the doorway while he put three large hands full of creamers into his pockets.  I asked him to return the creamers, and he refused, as he walked to the counter he verbally harassed me and my co-workers.  It was at this point that I asked him to not return.

    But he did return, and thought I asked him to leave, he was not deterred.  On one occasion when he came into the store to harass my co-workers and self, a police sergeant was in the store was well.  The sergeant informed me that The Guardian Shoplifter likes to harass clerks and, as a result, is banned from many locations in Oakland.

    Verbally insulting me while I work is not satisfying enough for The Guardian Shoplifter he has taken it upon himself to accost me on the street during my off hours as well.  Several times he has approached me on the sidewalks of Oakland and yelled at me.  One such instance he said, "You are slime and I'm going to flush you out of Convenience Hell." and made other threats on my job and getting me fired.  I have a witness to this particular incident.
 

Sincerely,

The Fantastic Septimus.