Everyday that I work, the phalanx of morons parade into my store to annoy me.  Although they generally act stupid, they're not doing anything particularly amusing.  As a public service, here are some simple rules to avoid stupid behavior.  Sure some of them seem redundant or like common sense, but believe me, they aren't.
 

    Rule one.  Please hand money to the clerk.  A customer came up to the counter, and I rang him up.  He casually tossed the money on the counter and smirked at me.  I put the money on the counter and slid it back to him, and asked the next person to step over.  The customer looked at me and said that I threw his change at him.  I stopped, looked up at him, and responded, "If I had thrown it at you, I would have hit you with it."

    The moral of the story is that you get what you give.

    Rule two.  If something is dreadfully obvious, don't remind the clerk.  The other day I was working and the air conditioner was broken, as a result the temperature was over 90 degrees.  A customer came in and asked if the heat was on.  I looked at him and said, "Umm, yes.  Since my job is Hell, I feel as if I should roast as if I were there."

    The moral of the story is if you ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer.

    Rule three.  You have eyes, why don't you use them!  O. K., this doesn't apply to blind people, but everyone else should pay attention.  You're eyes are marvelous things.  You can find out all sorts of things, like if a store allows smoking or in-line skates.  There's a marvelous invention called signs!  On the same note, the next time you're in a store, before you ask the clerk if there are cheesie-poofs, go and look.  On the same note, trust your eyes.  If you don't see cheesie-poofs where they should be, they probably don't have any.

    Rule four.  We are not psychic.  I can not read your mind, I can not see around solid objects, I am not clairvoyant.  If you are holding an object on the other side of the store, if I can not see the object then I don't know the price.  Refer to the rule above, check for a price tag before you ask me.  Often time people put their groceries in front of my register (where I can not see.)  and expect me to know what they have.  I like to say, "I'm sorry, I can't see what you have.  Ever since I was exposed to kryptonite my x-ray vision hasn't worked properly."

    The moral of the story is that if we had psychic powers, we would be working at a 900 number making a whole lot more money.

    Rule five.  If it's out of order then we can't fix it.  It goes back to magic powers.  If I had magic powers I'd be working elsewhere.  If the soda fountain is malfunctioning, I can't blink and use my genie powers to make it work.  There are competent and well trained repair people who go to trade school many years to learn how to fix all manner of mechanical device.  Unfortunately, the company I work for think that those people cost too much money to hire, so they get incompetent clods and you have to bear with us.
 

    That's enough for this month.  Maybe next month I'll write more rules on how to act like a civilized human being.  Although the people who read this page are more likely to behave (since most of us are all poor and work crappy jobs), we all know people who need a tutorial.  Copy this and give it out.  Just another example of how Septy tries to make the world a better place.