Sell your soul on eVil.

    For years now eVil, the world's only internet auction house dedicated solely to the purpose of the villainous and wicked trades, has been know as a great place to get great deals on henchmen, nuclear missiles, human organs, robot exoskeletons, and kryptonite.  But just last month, its sinister enterprises expanded, allowing the on-line buying and selling of souls.

    "The old way of selling your soul; chanting, blood sacrifice, and conjuring was fine for it's time, but in the information age, instant results are key." said eVil C.E.O. B. Zelbub.  "An aspiring dark lord of the neither realm could go through hundreds of summonings before finding just one good soul for his or her insidious army.  But new technology can link the right Hell-Master to the right person in just seconds."

    Fifth Circle Lieutenant, Kirnogstrklum agrees, "It took me nine centuries to accumulate as many souls as I gathered this month. This technology is looking to send more people to Hell than either Stalin's Purges or Must See Television, and Seinfield damned at least 24,000,000 souls its first season alone!"

    But eVil's Soul Sell feature isn't just great for demons, it's also beneficial for sellers too.

    "It is a terrific time saver, I wish that it had been around when I sold my soul." proudly boasts New York Mayor Rudolph Guliauni.  "It took me years to find the right demon to build my evil political empire.  With eVil, I could have done it in days, and that's why I'm the spokesman."

    But competition looms on the horizon.  Microsoft is planning on opening its own vile auction site by spring 2000. Microsoft founder and C.E.O. Bill Gates elaborated on his reasons, "Microsoft was founded specifically for the purpose of evil, no other company is more devoted to the dark forces more so than we, and I will not allow some amateur like Satan to show us up.  The new Internet Explorer, which will be inalterably fused into every computer on the market will have an automatic link to our new auction site."

    Attorney General Janet Reno's office said that they would investigate the Anti-Trust implications, but would not comment further.

    As far as advice for people who want to sell their souls, B. Zelbub has the following tips:

* Follow the trends.  Attractive white twenty and thirty something actors are a hot market to play teens on TV shows, but the trend my be cooling.  The political field is always a ripe market.  Computer Specialists were hot, but the market is saturated.

* Remember volunteer work.  Volunteering to help the elderly, in a hospital, reading to blind people, even donating money is bad.  Nothing will give you a worse soul return than helping others. ; Mr. Zelbub said, "Corrupting the innocent is one thing, but if you plan on selling your soul in the next year, don't over do it.

* Lawyers have no souls.  A lawyer is damned the moment he or she passes the bar exam.  Demons can recognize one of their own, any you shouldn't try to lie to them.

* Ask not what your demon can do for you, ask what you can do for your demon.  Skills are a big factor in a good soul return.  The deal isn't just what you get, the buyer needs motivation too.  What do you have to offer?  Are you worth a high-ranking Inner circle Hell-Master, or an aspiring junior dark lord?  Secondary abilities can make the difference between a Carrot Top and a Jay Leno.

* Experience is important too.  Along the same line as skills, experience gets you a better return as well.  College students are a dime a dozen: at any given moment, you can find hundreds of students willing to sell their soul for beer money.  Instead of selling as a Freshman, wait until graduate school or at least a few years of menial labor.  The change in value can be boggling.