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How to Become a Selp-Help Guru

    Are you tired of wage slavery?  Sick of your minimum wage, dead end job?  Ready for unlimited advancement?  Get ready for the opportunity of a life time in the ever expanding field of self-help.  People are clamoring to give their money to anyone who claims to know what they are talking about.  Why shouldn't you reap the rewards?  What?  You don't know anything about self-help?  Well, neither do any of the other self-help experts!  Here is just a sample of what you will find in my new book, How to Become a Selp-Help Guru.

    Use words from other languages to describe your ideas.  If you don't know any words from other languages, make some up and claim that they are Latin.  Sure some smart people will know that you are making stuff up, they wouldn't buy your crap book anyway.  And besides that, who are people going to believe: some egg head, or an expert in the field?

    Don't forget the number one rule of thumb in the field of self-help gurus: it's never your fault!  This will sell more books that any other philosophy you can imagine.  You can chose any of the following from this list of blame: your parents, being potty trained too early, being potty trained too late, being hugged too little, being hugged to much, that too stern first grade teacher, going to grandma's house with her twenty-five cats, obsession with money and material possessions, dependence, codependence, adult child of an alcoholic, adult child of a hippy, adult child of a chocoholic, and many, many more.  But don't think that you have to choose just one of these: you can mix and match any from the list of blame, or make up your own.  Just think how many books that you can sell if you can convince the baby boomers that they were traumatized by eating bologna sandwiches as a child and its terrible interaction with watching Howdy Doody.  You can make up traumas faster then they can run to a twelve step program.  And remember if that program is sponsored by you, that's more cash in your pocket.

    You've written your book and have all of these great ideas to take money from the gullible, I mean to help those in need of guidance, how do you get an audience?  Shamelessly plug your book on talk shows.  The big pay offs come from going on Oprah, and her book club.  One mention from her, and you are assured of a best seller.  But what if you can't get on Oprah?  There are plenty of other talk shows to exploit.  You can go on Sally or Ricky Lake, but if you want to be taken seriously (which shouldn't be a big concern for you) you should go on Muary or Leeza.  But under no circumstances should you ever go on the Jerry Springer Show.  Everyone knows that they don't even have the charade of helping people, but even more frightening than that, they'll also bring out your overweight, transvestite, nazi, stripper ex-lover- completely shattering any hopes of getting your own television show.

    So remember, to pick up your copy of How to Become a Selp-Help Guru.  It's only $44.95 at your local bookstore.  Get your copy today, and start helping yourself to gullible people's money.