Bludgeoning the Royal Corpse- American Style:
(or JFK jr: A Princess Remembered)

    Do you remember where your news van was when you hear that JFK jr. had died?

    The vultures descended outside of Gayhead to see if they could get a picture of luggage, a part of the plain, or oh happy day- a body or two.  When I heard about the plain going down my first response was "I hope they survived so my TV isn't clogged with faux-news and specials about his life."  Sadly it was in vain, the "news" would interrupt every 15 minutes to report that they had nothing new to report.  I was having Diana flashbacks.

    This is horrific at best.  People were on the beach trying to "salvage" what they could, probably to sell to the highest bidder.  People who never even met him were crying on camera about how they lost someone so important to their lives as if he was a close personal friend.  Listen up, because this is important.  Just because you watch someone on television, it doesn't mean that person is part of your life.  Just because someone is a celebrity it doesn't mean that all of "humanity" is privy to each and every detail of his or her life and death.  "They choose to be in the spotlight."  Bullsh**!  No one has the right to see autopsy or crime scene photos of someone just because the dead person was or became famous.  But that doesn't stop many people from buying or gawking at tabloid rags that feature those photos.  The reason that celebrities are in the spotlight is because an overwhelming majority of people don't value anyone's privacy, save their own.

    It's sad that JFK jr. died, but it is no more sad than when a wife is beaten to death by an abusive husband, a child is shot dead in crossfire, or the elderly die alone in a filthy "rest" home.  Let's get our priorities straight.

As I Gazed Across the Dance Floor I Viewed a Sea of Breeders:

    So my friend had a birthday recently, and I went out to some clubs with her and some friends.  Let me tell you, this was a very disturbing experience.  I never have been one to go out to clubs much, and when I do, it is pretty much exclusively to gay clubs.  But not this time, I went to breeder territory.  There they were by the score: wearing bad clothes and cheap cologne, dancing out of rhythm to really bad music, engaging in straight conversations, pushing up on each other in obscene and sexual ways.  I was terrified that some straight chick may have come up to me to try to get me to dance and then sexually assault me!

    The breeder menace must be stopped!  There has been about 10,000 years of recorded breeder history what have gotten?  The crusades and inquisition, corsets, the fall of the roman empire, the suppression of intellectuals, World Wars One and Two, the Cold War, and worst of all -Must See TV.  What a horrid legacy.  So why are they still in control when they are sending the planet hurdling toward Armageddon?  Because there are so damn many of them.  If there were less breeders, then we could finally end problems such as over population and hunger by creating a beautiful homosexual utopia.

    Back to what happened at the club.  I learned a few things.  I have a new appreciation for Madonna and Cher, since I was forced to listen to a seemingly endless torrent of straight music.  They played the Beastie Boys, and I screamed in horror, I expected the worst after that: the Spin Doctors.  I also figured out something else.  The better the song, the less energy the breeders put into dancing. *  When, for example again, the Beastie Boys were playing, they gyrated with a vigor that could only be described as a carnal frenzy: rubbing against each other and making me wish that I could turn a hose on them to cool them all off.  Also, straight clubs are amazingly boring.  A bunch of horny people trying to dance in a sexy manner to attract a mate for a hot night of sex.  Mind you, that's not that much different from a gay club, but at least a comparable gay club would have people with rhythm, and a few hot guys would have taken their shirts off to entertain the masses.  I also had to explain some of the rules for getting a man to a straight girl, since they are so woefully uneducated on important matters such as that.

    I have never been one to buy into homo-superiority theory, but after this eye-opening experience, I'm a member.  You tacky, tacky people should be ashamed of yourselves.  Shame, shame, shame.

    "Gee, what stupid things to say."  "Septimus must have gone off of his rocker."  No, not really.  But it really sucks when your group is getting slammed.  For all of the white, christian heterosexuals out there, this is what it is like to be a minority.  Now just imagine that everyday, from birth to death.  Now that that object lesson is over, onto a heterosexual problem that really does bother me.

    The proliferation of "male" oriented TV shows.  You've heard about them, and maybe have seen them as well.  Programs like the X Show and the Man Show.  These shows pander to the most extreme sexist stereotypes of what it means to be "male" or "female" that our society can muster.  Males should be juvenile and sex-obsessed, females should be objects on trampolines and willing to put out.  What disturbs me the most about these shows aren't the males, this unfortunately is to be expected, but the females willing to degrade themselves on national television.  Even more unnerving than the straight males' inability to act their ages is the hypocrisy involved in television programming.  If I were to go to Comedy Central or FX to pitch a program about gay men that featured scantily clad men, I wonder what the reaction would happen?  More than likely standards and decency issues would be brought up as security chucked me out of the door.  Would this be because of homophobia or the male fear of the objectification of other men; or are they actually one in the same?  They probably are, but all that matters is that the closest that we will get to some kind of gay TV in the near future is Interior Motives.  I don't know what angers me more: the gay male need to worship youth an beauty (much like straight men) or the straight male need to oppress them for doing so.
 
 

* The Dancing Equation that I determined is V = (1/S)*H or the vigor of dancing is inversely proportional to how good the song is, times the unknown heterosexual variable.  More research on these strange creatures must be done to properly ascertain a value for this variable.  Back to Tirade.