Michael Jordan
    I read in the paper last week, that Michael Jordan is thinking about retiring from basketball.  (Again.)  People have their own spin on how they feel about it, but I don't care.  Here's why I think why he should and shouldn't retire.
    Why should he retire?  First reason, is that some of the other basketball players might want some of the money.  You see them out on the street corners all of the time begging for change.  ("I'm down on my luck, I only have one Lexus...")  Secondly, he's been neglecting his stellar acting career.  I mean, the way he was snubbed by the Oscars for his outstanding performance in Space Jam.  The motion picture industry, nay, world as a whole suffers everyday that he's not on a movie set.
    Why he shouldn't retire.  First reason, there's some money that he doesn't have.  He makes a trillion dollars a year on basketball, and several quadrillion on his commercials.  Just offer him enough money, and he's there.  Underwear, hot dogs, shoes, sports drinks.  I'm waiting for Michael Jordan feminine hygiene products.  (Girl:  "Michael, sometimes I don't feel fresh."  Michael: "I don't feel fresh all the time, that's why I use Michael's Sweat Hygiene Products...")  Secondly, relating to that, I'm sure some of the other basketball players would like to have some commercials too.  Every minute that Michael is on the court and at practice is time that he can't make other commercials.  There are many other commercial endorsements that he'd love to make (money on)slip away from him just because he doesn't have the time.
    So which side do I come down on with this debate.  My official opinion is that I don't really care.  I mean, he's richer than God, it's not like he has to work.  It would be absolutely impossible for him to go broke.  So do he'll do what he wants, but I'm sure that he's going to stay on for a while longer.

Mariah Carrey
    Some genius in Hollywood decided that it would be a terrific idea for Mariah to star in a movie called Double 0 Soul.  Inspired by in part by her "Honey" video where she played a spy very cleverly named "Agent M", if this movie is made, it's sure to be a classic along the lines of Ghost Dad, Son-In-Law, and Ishtar.  Now, I don't know how many of you out there in the Web-verse saw this piece of cinematic wonder, (Although another word comes springing to my mind.) but her performance (and I use the term lightly) consists of Mariah mugging for the camera, and keeping her mouth open the entire time.  (Reminding me of someone that I really don't like, Jenny McCarthy.  But we'll save that tirade for when I'm in a bad mood.)
    Now I know that the brass in Hollywood likes to make nice, uncontroversial movies that are sure to be hits, but do they have to make movies that can cause your fillings (and brain) to hurt because some celeb feels the need to branch out and show how talented they are, when all they are doing is just making us wish for the by-gone days of stage performances before film when you could chuck rotten produce at the offending actors?
    But even if this movie isn't made, don't feel too too bad for Mariah.  She's writing a book called All That Glitters, and if it's anything like her singing, it's bound to be on the bestseller list.  In the bowels of Hell.

Mary K. Letourneau
    Did you know that the mother of the boy that Mary K. raped sold his photos and story to a certain tabloid magazine this week?  I know if I wanted to tell my story to the world, it would be in a fine, reputable news organization like that, so that it could be put next to a story about aliens possessing Kathy Lee Gifford, and maybe even a  photo of Jon Benet Ramsey's bloody corpse.  Yessiree, that's what I would do.  It would be nice if the people in the yellow press would grow little decency and some taste.  Try not to leach off of people's misery and suffering, you bottom feeders.
    You know what really pisses me off about this whole thing.  It's the fact that some people are actually defending Letourneau.  "He's so mature for his age", "It's love", and "They're soul mates" are the excuses that people use.  Even the most mature 13 year-old is still 13.  A 13 year old can't comprehend love, not in the way an adult does.  And they can't be soul mates, because she just shredded his soul.  If this was a 35 year-old man who knocked up a 13 year-old girl, not just once but twice, they would have hung him from the rafters of the court house and been done with it by now.  And heaven forbid that it would be a 35 year-old man with a 13 year-old boy.  Anyone who called them soul mates would be shot on the spot.
    It sickens me that this woman destroyed that poor boy, and no one seems to care about that.  This traumatized kid is doesn't know how to act, but Letourneau is portrayed as the victim.  He needs proper psychological counseling, and perhaps they need to move from that area to someplace to make a clean start.  Oh, but wait, that would require someone to actually care about his psychological well-being.