Q: What is a lesbian?
A: Webster's New World Dictionary, 3rd College Edition, defines
"Lesbian" as either "A native or inhabitant of Lesbos (Greek island in
the Aegean, off the coast of Asia Minor: c. 630 sq. mi. [1,630 sq.
km.])" (Obviously not the definition we're looking for), or "A
homosexual woman." Okay... Well, what exactly is homosexual? Well, from
the words "homo" meaning "same," and "sexual," meaning, well...
"sexual..." it means, "of or characterized by sexual desire for those of
the same sex as oneself." But you know what? I don't like that
definition. You know what else? Screw the goddamn dictionary. n
Homosexuality, lesbianism included, is not all about sex, or sexual
desire for someone of the same sex. Just the same way heterosexuality is
not an orientation based on sexuality. Heterosexuals fall in love, so do
we. It's about love, it's about desire, it's about admiration, it's
about affection, it's about passion, it's about caring, it's about
attraction, it's about every deep emotion human beings are capable of
feeling. We are human beings, after all, despite certain despicable
notions that we're animals, subhumans... Anyway, another thing the
dictionary fails to mention is that homosexuality implies exclusive
attraction towards those of the same sex. Which leads us to the ext
question...
Q: Do you like men?
A: Assuming, of course, you mean this in a romantic or sexual context,
the answer is no. A lesbian, by popular definition anyway, is a woman
who is attracted to women and only women. A lot of people, men in
particular, seem to think that a lesbian is one of those women in the
porno movies who do it with anyone and everyone in the cast, including
the women, usually to the male actor's infinite delight. Those women are
what we call actresses. Not very good ones, albeit, but actresses
nonetheless. They are getting paid to act like they enjoy everything
that goes into or near their gaping orifices. Whereas, people who are
attracted to both sexes in real life are called bisexual. There seem to
be assumptions floating around that every woman who is attracted to or
has sex with other women is a lesbian. Also floating in the same boat
with this assumption is the notion that all women who are attracted to
women are attracted to men as well. A lot of small-brained men (and
guys, please don't take this as a generalization about all men. Refer to
the question on "Do you hate men?") can't seem to grasp the concept of a
woman not wanting them or not requiring their penis for sexual
gratification. But yes, guys, there are women out there who don't want
you, and never will want you. They're called lesbians. If you're looking
for some "lesbos" to fulfill your wildest fantasies, you're barking up
the wrong tree. Look for some nice bisexual women. They may be able to
accomodate you, but us lesbians, we're pretty picky.
Q: Do you hate men?
A: Not any more than I hate the rest of the human race... But seriously,
this thing about lesbians being tough, pickup truck-driving,
wrench-wielding, man-hating feminist bitches has got to stop. This is
what is called a stereotype, which is a generalization about a certain
group of people which is completely unfounded and usually way off base.
Yes, there are some lesbians who hate men. But the majority do not. As a
matter of fact, a lot of lesbians have guys as best friends. A lot of
people seem to confuse the concepts of not being attracted to men with
hating men, when in actuality the two have nothing to do with each
other. If you're not particularly attracted to your little sister, does
that mean you hate her? I mean, you could hate her for different
reasons, but that's another matter entirely. We may hate the attitudes
and behaviors of some men, but most of us are smart enough to know that
not all men are created equal, and that there are a lot of men out there
who are sweet, kind, and intelligent. Some lesbians, however, are not
quite as enlightened as you or I. Some of them profess to hate all men,
and some actually call themselves lesbian separatists and completely
refuse to even speak with or associate with males in any way whatsoever.
These women disgust me. To me, they're no better than white
supremacists. I judge people on what they do, not on what they are.
Q: Why do lesbians try to act/dress/look like men?
A: Another stereotype. You know, the reason why you may think that all
lesbians are manly is because those are the only ones you recognize as
lesbians! Got ya there, huh? Like, if you see some towering muscular
butch woman walking down the street in workboots and a flannel shirt,
you in your self-percieved cleverness can say, "Oh, that's a lesbian!"
(Sometimes not in such polite terms) But some are not so obvious, and
some don't fit the stereotype at all! Personally, I'm somewhere in
between, where on one hand I've been called a dyke while walking down
the street, and on the other hand, I've had guys hit on me and be
totally in disbelief when I tell them I'm a lesbian. Then there are some
lesbians I know who even I couldn't tell were lesbians, because they're
so feminine and unassuming. And trust me, there are a good number of
"secret" lesbians out there -- it could be anyone: your neighbor, your
boss, that girl in your class who you can't stop fantasizing about...
Just because you don't know about them doesn't mean they're not there.
Chances are you underestimate greatly the number of lesbians who do not
fit the stereotype.
Then, of course, there are the ones who do fit the stereotype. Your
question for them is "Why?" Well, I am not a hulking, truck-driving,
mechanically-inclined type of lesbian, but I'll try to answer as best I
can. My guess is that it has nothing to do with "wanting" or "trying" to
be men. It just simply has to do with comfort. The way one feels
comfortable dressing and acting. Some women just feel more masculine
inside, and therefore decide to dress and act according to how they
feel. Which, for those of you who are making faces of disgust right now,
is a very gutsy thing to do. Most people unfortunately take to dressing
and acting as society wants them to, and it's not easy for a woman to
take on a more manly look, because it's obviously not something that
society encourages or even accepts. Pardon the expression, but it takes
a lot of balls to be butch! But just because a woman feels more
masculine inside than most women does not mean that she wants to be a
man. Most butch women (and we'll get into the definitions of butch and
femme later on) are perfectly happy with their female bodies. We don't
really know why some women feel more masculine, that's just a part of
the huge gender spectrum -- gender isn't just straightforward "male" and
"female." There's a lot of in betweens, just like there are a lot of in
betweens for sexual orientation. All that's really important is that a
person finds the place on the spectrum that they feel most comfortable,
and live their life according to what they feel.
Q: Why did you become/choose to be gay?
A: Very simple. I didn't. If you are seriously pondering this question, chances are you're one of those heterosexuals who steadfastly believes without a doubt that homosexuality is a chosen condition. And there's a reason why you think that - because you're not gay. You have no idea what it feels like. You have not walked a single moment in my shoes, and you have no clue what's going on in my head. So you're forced to make up your own ideas and assumptions about who I am, what I'm thinking. And how ridiculous is that? Can you look me in the eye and seriously try to tell me how I feel? It's like going up to a complete stranger and saying to them, "Your favorite color is blue." Ridiculous.
What I'd like to know is, how does a child of 6 years, who has no concept of "homosexual," "lesbian," or "gay," and doesn't even know such things exist, "choose" to be gay? Using myself as an example, I can think back to the very first time I can remember consciously being attracted to another female. I was 6 years old, in the first grade. It was around 1983, and the subject of homosexuality was still somewhat iffy - no one talked about it in school or in the media, and parents certainly didn't talk to their children about it. At 6 years of age, I had never heard the words "gay," "lesbian," or "homosexual." I had no concept of "gay" and "straight" people in my world. All I knew was that I thought this girl in my class was super cute, and I wanted to kiss her. I tried several times, and eventually got in trouble for it. I don't remember exactly what was said to me, but I figure that was the first time I had an inkling of an idea that there was something wrong with girls kissing girls, though I didn't understand why. And I still don't.
So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before you decide who I am and how I got to be that way, ask yourself this: Can someone choose to be something that they don't even know exists? Does a child of 6 learn from a homophobic society to be attracted to members of her own sex? I can't tell you how you feel, but personally I believe that attraction is not something that can be chosen. Yes, you can choose to express that attraction in whatever way you see fit (or not express it), but when you're attracted to someone, it's not something you decided to do. It just happened. An example: You don't like carrots. The taste of them doesn't appeal to you. Did you choose not to like the taste of carrots? I don't think that's possible. Sure, you can choose not to eat the carrots, and eat your snow peas instead, but if you don't like 'em, it's not your fault, right? I mean, wouldn't it just be simpler to just like carrots? Your parents would stop nagging you to eat them, you'd get to eat your dessert faster, and you'd have good eyesight (supposedly). But you can't help it, you're just not a fan of carrots, and there's nothing you can do about that.
Which brings me to my next point - wouldn't it be easier just to be straight? I would think so. Of course, if you're straight, you wouldn't know that it's an easier life than that of a gay person, because, well... you're not gay. But just consider the way society looks at homosexuality, how gay people are treated on a daily basis. Do you honestly think we all woke up one day and said, "Gee, I think it'd be fun to be gay so I could get bottles thrown at my head when I'm walking down the street, so I can have the word "DYKE" keyed into the door of my brand new car, so I can have my house set on fire, so I can go camping alone with my lover and watch her brains get blown out by a homophobe, so my family can disown me and my friends can turn their backs on me, so I can lose my job, so I can be reminded every day by people who disagree with my "lifestyle" about how sick and perverted I am, how I'm going to burn in hell. Yeah, that sounds like fun. I think I'll be gay." GIVE ME A BREAK. (All those things have really happened to gay people, by the way.) And even if we did choose this, don't you think that after discovering what a hard life it is to live, after going through all the crap that we have to go through, that we would eventually "choose" to be straight again?
I challenge you, oh disbeliever, to take a survey of every gay person on this planet. I'll bet you couldn't come up with a handful who would actually tell you that they chose to be gay. You know why? Because they know. Because they're gay, and you're not. I know it's hard to admit when you're wrong, but trust me, it's harder to understand what it's like to be something or someone you're not. And frankly, heterosexuals are just not qualified to tell me how I feel.
Q: Why are people gay?
A: Well, I'm taking a class this semester called the Sociology of Homosexuality, so that should come in handy. In fact, we learned the answer to this question on the very first day of class. You want to know the answer? (For free, even, you didn't have to shell out tuition to hear this bit of info, lucky you.) Okay, here's the answer: Nobody knows.
Disappointed? Well, that's all I can give you, because that's the truth. Science hasn't come any closer to the origins of homosexuality since the word "homosexual" first appeared in 1862 (?). But amongst the members of my Sociology class, including the professor, the general consensus on why people are gay is, "Who cares?" Really, I mean, what difference does it make? Homosexuality exists, so deal with it.
There are, of course, theories. Nature vs. Nurture. Essentialist vs. Constructionist. Basically, there are 2 opposing sides, and a more sensible middle ground. On one hand, we have the essentialist (nature) theories - homosexuality is a state of being, something one is born with, caused by bio-chemical factors such as hormones, genes, or the brain (most recently, studies showed the hypothalmus gland to be different in the brains of gay males than in the brains of straight males). On the other hand we have the social constructionist (nurture) theories - someone becomes gay because of something that happened in early infancy or childhood, or it is something that is "learned." Then there are combination theories that suggest that homosexuality is the result of both bio-chemical and social or psychological forces. Combination theories are the most widely accepted when it comes to the question of "why?", and to me, it's the most rational, although I tend to lean more toward nature rather than nurture.
So those are the theories - theorize your own if you like, because nobody is certain just yet. But in the end, what does it all matter, really? I'm a human being, you're a human being... no sense in wondering why we're human beings; we might as well just be.
Q: What do you get out of being a lesbian?
A: Well, I can tell you what I don't get: Tax breaks, medical & dental benefits, and all the other special rights that straight people get for being in a state-sanctioned relationhip. But that's beside the point. Being a lesbian has nothing to do with what I can "get" out of it. As we discussed before, I did not choose to be gay, certainly not because of what the "lifestyle" can do for me. This question, to me, is like asking someone what they get out of having blue eyes. But since you asked, I'll tell you.
What I "get" out of being a lesbian is the same thing anyone else can get out of being straight. If I'm lucky, I get love, undying affection and adoration, someone who cares for me, passion, friendship, someone to share things with, someone to talk to, great sex, flowers, candy, compliments, intimacy, fulfillment, satisfaction, and of course, love, love, and more love. However, if I'm unlucky, I get my heart broken, I get used, abused, dumped, cheated on, abandoned, lied to, someone who treats me like crap and doesn't give a rat's ass about me, bad sex, fights, arguments, insults, complaints, wilted flowers, hate, bitterness, and anger. Sound familiar? See, we're not so different. I get my fair share of both good and bad things in life, and it really has nothing to do with my sexual orientation. It has to do with the fact that I'm a human being. Funny things happen to human beings, and what we each get out of our lives is up to us.
And yes, I am happy and satisfied with my life and with being a lesbian. For those of you that think my "lifestyle" is empty and unfullfilling, my only response to that is that you are not me, you are not living my life, and you have no idea what satisfies me. In my opinion, making up stories about other people's dissatisfaction in life is just a sign of your discontent with your own life.
Q: I'm male who is attracted to women. Can I be a lesbian?
A: Well, let's consider a few things here. First, a lesbian is defined as a homosexual female. So, in order to be a lesbian, not only would you have to be homosexual, but a female as well. Now, let's say that you were, in fact, homosexual. This would have to mean: a) That you are not attracted to women, which you have already stated that you are, and b) Being in that you are a male, this would make you a male homosexual, which is not the same thing as a lesbian, when taking in the definition of lesbian as a homosexual female. Now let's suppose that you were, in fact, a woman. In order to be a lesbian, you would now be required to be homosexual, which we have already deduced that you aren't. So there you have it. You are neither homosexual nor a female, and being that a lesbian is defined as a homosexual female, we can now safely conclude that you are not a lesbian, nor will you ever be without extensive sex reassignment surgury, hormones, and of course, practice, practice, practice; you don't just become a woman overnight!
So if you are confused as to what your sexual orientation might be, I can help you here. The question states that you are male, and that you are attracted to females. This would make you a heterosexual male. If you have any further questions regarding this, please feel free to e-mail me.
Q: Which one is the man in the lesbian relationship?
A: Well, that's simple enough to figure out. Neither of us is the man, we're both women! I get asked this question a lot, in different forms, but it all basically adds up to the same thing: A lot of straight people have this notion that a lesbian relationship has to contain one "butch" partner and one "femme" partner, or one that plays the "role" of a man, and one that plays the "role" of a woman. Well, this isn't Hamlet, folks, we don't play roles in our relationships, we play ourselves. Some lesbians happen to be more "masculine" than others, and some happen to be more "feminine." But a lesbian relationship does not necessarily have to be made up of one of each. There are some butch-butch relationships, and some femme-femme relationships. Another important thing to remember is that not every lesbian is either butch or femme. Some are in between. Some are both, some are neither. I fall into the last 3 categories. Some butch-femme/femme-butch/in-between lesbians like butch lesbians, some like femme lesbians, and some like other butch-femme/femme-butch/in-between lesbians. There are endless combinations, as you can see. It's interesting to note that although heterosexuals often accuse lesbians of playing male-female "roles" in our relationships, it's actually heterosexuals that play the roles, because it's often the males that are aggressive and "in charge" of things, and the females are passive and demure. Those are the traditions, anyway. And it's not that men and women are necessarily like that by nature, but those are the roles that society imposes on heterosexual relationships. Lesbians are generally more free in our relationships, because society does not impose those same roles on us, so we can basically feel free to express ourselves however we want. I'm not saying all heterosexual relationships have definite male-female roles; naturally there are as many variations in heterosexual relationships as there are in homosexual ones.
Another reason why some straight people seem to think that lesbian relationships have a "male" and a "female" role is that they have the idea that a relationship can't be fulfilling unless it has both elements in it. Certain "Straight Supremacists" think that their way is the only way, and that homosexuals feel inadequate in their relationships, so they have to "mock" heterosexual ones in order to feel fulfilled. Which is, of course, pure bullshit. I think everyone has a little bit of a masculine side and a little bit of a feminine side. You know the Chinese symbol for yin and yang? It shows a circle with a black side and a white side, and each has a dot of the other inside it. Yin represents female, and yang represents male. Each has a little part of the other inside them, just like we all do. Some of us choose to repress one side in favor of the other. But personally, I like to express both my masculine and feminine sides. They're interchangeable. In my relationship, we express a wide range of gender expressions, not limiting ourselves to just one rigid role. Sometimes one of us feels more masculine or feminine, sometimes both of us feel more feminine or more masculine, and sometimes we feel like neither, or both. I don't need male and female in my life to be satisfied, I need infinite combinations of both.
How_Homophobia_Hurts_Us_All
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