 |
January 27, 2000 |
|
I'm not angry. Really, I'm not.
Frustrated is a bit closer to the truth.
I was getting ready to go into work. While I was in the shower, I heard
the phone ring. I'll let the machine pick it up. There was no message,
but I looked at the caller id and found that it is from work. I check my
voice mail, and I have a couple of messages. They're both from Trudy. She wouldn't be able to have lunch
tomorrow like we had planned, but she would be able to have lunch
today… if I got in soon. On the second message, she remembered that I
already had lunch plans for today, and that we should punt it until
sometime next week. I did have lunch plans today with Sarah.
Now Trudy and I have been good friends for years, and I just wanted to
catch up with her to see what she was up to. Despite the fact that we only
work a few offices apart, we have no time to talk about non-work stuff at
work.
There are some burning issues at work today. I had to investigate bugs
that are holding up other folks from doing their work. I'm not talking
about like one or two people; I'm talking about two teams. I'm
not sure precisely what size each teams was, but I wasn't in the mood to
find out precisely how many people are waiting on me. At least they
weren't looking over my shoulder. That has happened in the past. As a
programmer, there are few things more stressful than having the last
bug in the product and having no less than three people
looking over your shoulder while you debug it. I may be competent at
reading assembly code, but this doesn't help.
Believe it or not. I'm accustomed to this pressure… well, to a certain
degree. I thrive under pressure. I always have. I mean pulling
all-nighters at school. No problem. Taking that tough final. Piece of
cake. There's a difference between that and sustained pressure
over the course of months. It starts to wear on you. It really does.
It's okay; it has its ups and downs. And today was certainly a "down".
I had lunch scheduled with Sarah today. It would be for 12:30pm; she said she'd be showing up in my office. I was dealing with the entire mess mentioned above, I figured by the time she showed up it would be a good time for a break. I continued grinding away. After some time, I looked at my clock; it was 1pm. I quietly wondered what was keeping her. I called her. No response. I figured she was on her way. I continued looking at the bugs. Time crawled; it was 1:30pm by now. I was really starting to get worried about her. I called her again with no luck. I paged her. She did eventually call back; she didn't recognize my number at first. She did, however, recognize my voice.
She had forgotten.
She was very apologetic and she certainly sounded sincere. And she did seem extremely busy. I'd like to think of myself as a patient man. I told her to go finish what she was doing; we'd talk about it later. She promised to call me back when she got back to her office. I continued working… chipping away.
She didn't call, of course. I called her at her office. We talked for a few minutes. She was still very busy; she asked if she could call back. I smiled and agreed. And naturally she didn't call.
We had talked about it before; we had decided that we'd be friends for now. She had always been upfront and sincere about everything; I admire that. I don't really know her that well… not well enough to know whether to interpret this as general flakiness OR the cold shoulder. Maybe she was simply having a bad day like I was. She was the one that suggested we should have lunch today, so she's either forgetful or incredibly cruel. I suppose that I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. I do, however, think she owes me an explanation.
We had agreed to be friends. That doesn't mean that I don't lust after her… because I do… very vividly in at least half a dozen ways. That's not saying much… I lust after many women. But apart from that, I really do want to know her better. She's Asian and I've drifted away from that community; maybe this a chance for me to experience it again. She's also funny, intelligent, ambitious, and witty. In many ways she reminds me of who I was a few years ago… with a much better profile, mind you.
As for how I'm feeling… I don't really know. Although I will tell you that this isn't doing wonders for my ego. Right now, I'm floating in a kaleidoscope of different emotions, and most of them aren't doing much good. I think the biggest thing that I feel right now is that I'm hurt. Not of "the gaping knife wound" variety, but more like the "Ouch… that stung!" type. Fine. I'm also a little angry, but I think I'm trying to keep that under check. There's a foolish and idealistic part of me that thinks that my relationships (the dysfunctional one with Terry non-withstanding) can be based on honestly and communication. Having said that, I don't want to pass judgement on her… at least not until I hear her explanation. My seething with anger would probably not contribute to my being rational and forgiving. Like I said, I do want to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I have friends who are flaky. Carlos is a good example. We could schedule dinner with him weeks in advance, remind him a week before, and that day and he would still miss it. And then he complains when I send him reminder mail everyday for my Thanksgiving dinner… oh, the nerve. My friends Ana and Suzanne are not known for being punctual; they normally have about a half hour propagation delay. [Okay, cut me some slack, I'm an engineer…] They're all my friends and dear to me, even Carlos (as long as he doesn't take off his shoes). I don't have problems with that… as long as I know that you're flaky and know what to expect. I suppose that's the problem with Sarah. I'm still feeling out this relationship; only figuratively, to my dismay.
And I missed the chance to have lunch with Trudy. Bummer.
Oh, did I neglect to mention that things at work are still a mess? I did eventually take a break for lunch. The cafeteria was closed by now, so I ended up driving to a place right down the street, and zipping right back. I would've considered skipping lunch, but I needed energy for tonight. Today is just one of those days that I'd just rather file away under, "Do not try this again… Ever!" I won't bore you with the elaborate procedures of debugging and fixing bugs in software. I will tell you that it has its moments. Today it wasn't really so bad. I mean I felt the pressure, but it wasn't as if there was someone literally standing behind me looking at my every move… with a baseball bat and a menacing look… or a bullhorn.
On a brighter note, quite literally… Jim got a new toy. He's got it set up on
his office window. Now you may ask, what on earth does someone do with a
neon sign? I'm not sure, but that's Jim. If you're really curious, send me mail, and I'll ask him.
Frankly, I think he is a bit jealous of Carla.
He doesn't even drink Mountain Dew.
Life is funny. At work, I can normally deal with the problems I encounter. When I'm out on a date, I can normally take things in stride. Today, I wasn't able to downshift quickly enough. Life outflanked me. I'm normally a good juggler, figuratively, of course. Today I felt that a juggler in a clown suit, dragging his big feet, with the audience throwing the occasional extra ball at me. After all that, imagine some smartass chucking a ball that nails you squarely on the back of the head… That's what today felt like.
There was also kickboxing today, which would've really sucked if I had skipped lunch today. Nothing exciting to report except that maybe I was punching and kicking a little harder. It's a great way to vent your frustrations. If I had banged my head against the wall any more at work today, I might have had a concussion.
On a brighter note, my left ankle seemed to be doing much better. It should be back to normal running condition by Saturday. [Ha! I didn't even plan that pun!] One of my calves was cramping during part of the run, and again during the jumping front kicks. Let me tell you… having to land on a cramping leg is not fun! Of course, there are times when cramping could be worse. I'd imagine while swimming could be pretty bad, although I wouldn't know. Naturally, my personal favorite is when I get leg cramps when I'm driving (my manual transmission) and can't engage the clutch. There was one time when I engaged the clutch with my right foot, pulled over and stopped until the cramp went away. Anyone else with good cramp stories?
January 27, 2000