"I hope some animal never bores a hole iun my head and lays its eggs in my brain, later you might think you're having a good idea, but it's just eggs hatching."

"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."

"What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk. And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep."

"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window."

"During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

"If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you."

"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."

"Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy."

"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what yourrights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door."

"If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would make you really mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."

"If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby."

"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there soem guys come up and seal up both ends and tehn put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."

"You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood."

"I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here."

"One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake."

"Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time, people are going to get out of the way. Cars too!"

"When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV."

"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."

"If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar for freshness."

"If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you."

"Sometimes I wish Marta was more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a really dirty windshield, so I wrote "THIS CAR LOOKS LIKE A FART" in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing to do. She said, "Well, maybe." Man, whose side is she on, anyway?"

"Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pine cone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save our national forests."

"When you go ice-skating try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me."

"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."

"Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the stilts? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around."

"You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you."

"If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black and white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella."

"I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and things, yes, you can talk, but listen to yourself!"

"When this girl at the museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me."

"Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneated pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of strainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow."

"As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out. "This is the fourth coat crushing this year," said the police sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow."

"I'd like to see a guy tap-dancing so fast his legs actually broke, because it would finally establish a "tap barrier," and we could move on from there."

"Let's be honest: isn't a lot of what we call tap-dancing really just nerves?"

"If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while. COme on, we're not going to hurt it."

"I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise it makes no sense."

"It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating."

"I think a good scene in a moive would be where one scientist tells another scientist: "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand.?" And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are some peanuts. Then, when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum."

"One thing that a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse."

"When you go to a party and somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often."

"Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?"

"Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: a sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it."

"I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye-pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings."

"Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you."

"Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are."

"You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling."

"If I could be any kind of dog, I think I'd be one of those little yappy dogs, because while you're sitting there on the couch trying to sound real smart, I'm just sitting there, yapping away. Just yappin' and yappin', and there's nothing you can do about it because I live here."

"Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way."

"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?"