For those of you who, for whatever reason- a will to live, perhaps- do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. These are young, fearless people who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 m.p.h., knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and say, "Cool." People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I decided to learn with him.

In skiing, you wear two skis so you can maintain your balance by moving your feet. With snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor. Both of your feet are strapped to it, so if you start to fall, you crash to the ground like a tree while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. It1s a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I'm generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer spacesuits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance.

Skiers like to glide down the slopes in graceful arcs; snowboarders attack the mountain, blasting through snowdrifts and leaping off cliffs. Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

My first snowboard lesson went fine until I had to stand up on my board, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics. I'd struggle to my feet, and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me. WHAM- I'd hit the snow.

My son had no trouble at all. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountains. You could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me. I now realize that the small hills you see on the ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

-Dave Barry in Tropic