The article was, of course, absolutely hilarious.

To call it dated is an understatement, thus the term ancient has been applied to it. It's a pretty good read if you are the type of person who likes to read about how many out-dated ways were not so much out-dated, as completely moronic.

But anyway, it was sent to me so that I might dust off my sarcasm crate and give this thing the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" treatment. For those of you who have not seen the show, I recommend finding it. Hit the video stores as well. They can help you. It's worth it. Get cracking. Why are you still here? Go!

Anyway, the following text is the original article, with little twists and surprises added to it. I even found an excuse to use the word "nipples", so I am calling it a good day and a success all around.

FOUND IN ACTUAL 1960'S HOME ECONOMICS TEXTBOOK

Entitled "You, your Lord and King, and Meatloaf"

----TO BE A PROPER WIFE----

Step One: Get yo ass hitched.

Have dinner ready.

Have it warm, in the starters blocks, and waiting for the gun.

Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on the table in time for his return from work.

Remember, your Master has had a hard day of playing grab-ass with the secretaries, so it is vital that pleasant aromas greet him as he flings his overcoat and briefcase into the corner and kicks the dog.

This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.

But if he finds the HUNGRY MAN cartons in the trash, the UPS man's cover will be blown.

Most men are hungry when they come home

Especially sewer workers!

and the prospect of a good meal(especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

"Hi Honey-bunchkin, I'm home. Mmmmmmmmm, is that deep fried mayonnaise I smell?"

Prepare yourself.

Oil the barrels. Snap off the safeties. Feel the leather.

Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives.

Batteries not included.

Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair.

No, that's an ink cartridge. Put it back.

Be fresh looking.

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared, she said, "you're moving in with your auntie and your uncle in Bel Aire".

He has just been with a lot of work weary people.

Pounding away at the books and digging in the trenches to keep *YOU* in nice things like new scouring pads. Vacuum bags aren't exactly cheap either, ya know.

Be a little gay

....... and then be sure and gargle away the tell-tale evidence before he gets home.

and a little more interesting for him.

"I watched Oprah today and she had a panel of women who...."

(beer pop top sound) "shut up"

His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Greet him wearing nothing but a propeller beanie and a grass skirt, and talk like Don Cherry.

Clear away the clutter.

No, that's HIS STUFF! Put it BACK! No, we mean all those nick-nacks and things *you* enjoy. Get a cardboard box from the store. Geez, just do it.

Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

We recommend a clockwise direction, working your way in a spiral pattern towards the center of the room.

Gather up school books,

"Pick up the school books"

You are now carrying the schoolbooks.

toys,

"Pick up the toys"

You are already carrying too much!

"drop the schoolbooks"

Done.

"Pick up the toys"

You are now carrying the toys.

papers,

"Pick up the papers"

An orc comes in the room and kills you......

***************** YOU HAVE DIED ***********************

Score 245 out of 3000. (Q)uit or (S)tart over?

etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

And not one of those static deals either.

During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.

Caution: Skip this step if your husband unwinds by dropping his pants and making loud, long, and meaty farts.

Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift, too.

"I feel I have reached a haven of rest and order"

"I have been given a lift too"

"Have the pods been prepared?"

"Affirmative"

After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense, personal satisfaction.

Stir it well, you don't want him to notice the rat poison.

Minimise all noise.

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Thank you.

At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.

All he should hear upon opening the door is the dull ache in your belly as the last bit of free will you have been clinging to with white knuckles and chipped fingernails drops down into the swirling cesspool of your own fetid existence.

Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Ok, now this is just good common sense. No jokes.

Be happy to see him.

BEL-DAR!!!!

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Do something mean to Dr. Bellows and Major Healey for his enjoyment.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.

Man: "Oh god..... oh god....... OOOHH GOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDD......."

Woman: "That reminds me, the Garcia's want us to come over for a night of Uno this Saturday."

Let him talk first, remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Unless he brings up NASCAR, in which case a blow to the back of the head is quickest.

Make the evening his.

Man of the house...... THIS is YOUR evening!!!!!!

Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you.

"Hi Honey! The boys and I swung down to Dallas for the weekend. Can you wire me a couple hundred for some hos?"

Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

I was loooooooost, in a world, of Strain and Pressure.... yeah yeah, I was......

Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Make your home a cleansing fire where all sins are absolved upon entry.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

"Can I *please* see the sun this week honey?"

Don't complain if he's late home for dinner, or even stays out all night.

Instead, let your anger fester and bubble deep within you, pushing it further and further down into your subconcience.

Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Remember, it's been difficult for him these days, bent over the board room table with his pants around his ankles.

Make him comfortable.

By staying with your mom.

Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom.

Don't bombard him with complicated Kama Sutra positions involving potted plants and lawn furniture.

Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

I realize these are 2 extremes, so be prepared to duck when the glass is thrown.

Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes.

You really shouldn't be wearing them anyway.

Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

**SLEEP!**

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.

"Honey, can I........"

"No"

"Ok."

Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offer as he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work.

Besides, the washer and dryer are still not fixed from the last time he did the dishes.

Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach.

Learn to walk that fine line between being out of sight and being ready and eager to serve.

If you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women's interests are often rather trivial compared to men's.

No wait, it's ANT'S interests are trivial compared to men's, then SLUG'S interests compared to ant's, and THEN women's interests compared to slug's. Hope we cleared that up.

At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs.

We recommend something bacon-based.

Your husband's breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.

If there is a full box of weetabix and only one bowl of Count Chocula left, well, you know damn well you're getting the weetabix.

Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible.

Tear away clothes with Velcro seams seem to be popular with the young folks.

Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train.

(REALLY BAD BAD BAD JOKE HELD BACK!)

But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious.

No peanut butter on the nipples or other cheap attention getters.

If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

"I'll just turn on the light and read and......... YEAAAUGH!!!! Begone foul demon!!!!!!"

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular, your commitment to obey him.

Much like Rock beating scissors, penis always beats vagina.

If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it.

Remember, he's had to think of 2 or 3 things to say to *you* since he's been home, so he is probably completely exhausted.

In all things be lead by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

Never utter the phrase "Use me like an old paint roller, you savage brute of a man"

Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's.

And, let's be honest, easier.

When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Men don't like all that screaming and wailing, and thrashing about, and clawing, and biting, and kicking and yelling and shrieking until you are hoarse, and cartwheels, and that really intense clenching of buttocks with back arched in a rigid *slam* of contorted muscles that sends us hanging onto the headboard for dear life.

Yes sir. We sure hate that.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent.

"Oh cmon honey, You laughed at "Mitchell" when we watched it in the living room"

It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products.

On second thought, you might want to sleep right away as well. Remember, breakfast comes early and isn't going to fix itself.

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

TEA!!!! I HATE TEA!!!!

Ok, you blew it lady. Please return to step one.

Well there, you've read it. If by some chance you are the owner of the copyright on this original piece of rubbish, then by all means let me know so we can add your name to the credits list and see that you receive some kind of payment for each internet hit that reads this thing, and also so we may heckle you for being a ninny for the rest of your years.

Naw, you're probably dead by now, which is easier.

Rob "Torgo" Sedler

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