A Place To Belong
By: Rebekah Parham

-27-

"Home sweet home," Robby muttered as they crossed the Buffalo city limits.

John heard Mike and Robby chatting away in the front seat of their cargo van. He should be happy, after all, they did just land a record deal and finish up six months of touring. Now they were all set to record their first real album. But John wasn't happy, and he hadn't been for the past six months.



Samantha wondered aimlessly through the large extravagant house that brought back both happy and painful memories. She went into her mother's room that hadn't been changed at all in the four years since her passing. Samantha swore that she could still smell her scent. Samantha went to her mother's dressing table and sat down. She remembered watching her mother countless time sitting in this very same spot fixing her hair, or applying her makeup. How she wished her mother was here now.

As Samantha had guessed, her father had no more than deposited her back in Seattle before he was gone again. He came back every few weeks, but never stayed for more than a day or two. School seemed endless. Samantha only had another month before she turned eighteen, and only four more months before she graduated. She knew without a doubt that she was going to Buffalo State college next fall. Her mind had been made up two months ago when the acceptance letter came. Thoughts of what the next year would bring is what had gotten Samantha through each passing day.



John busied himself with writing songs, and spending long hours in the record studio. He did anything to stay busy and to keep from thinking about the past or the present. The future was the only thing he was looking forward to.

While John sat in the studio, he could see Robby and Mike talking with Elliot, the guys new manager. John had been reluctant to part with Artie, but when he assured the guys that it was for the best, John finally agreed. Overall, Elliot was a cool guy, but he was totally focused on making the Goo Goo Dolls' stars. Which is a fine aspiration, but when your whole life is consumed by one dream it begins to get tiresome.

John finished his last vocals for the song and went out to join the other guys. Robby, Mike and Elliot stopped talking when he came threw the door. "Did I interrupt something?"

Robby and Mike exchanged glances, but it was Elliot that spoke. "John, we need to discuss something."

John looked around the room noticing that Robby and Mike both had guilty looks on their faces, "Am I being kicked out of the band or something?" John joked.

"No, nothing like that. We just need to talk a little strategy."

"What kind of strategy?" John asked taking a seat on the table that was behind him and waited to hear more about sales and rating.

Elliot moved around in front of him before he started speaking. "It's been noticed at all the parties and social functions that you have attended for the band, that you have always been alone."

"Alone?"

"Without a companion," Elliot clarified.

"What difference does that make?" John asked testily.

"Well, it's just that Robby and Mike always have Kristen and Janet with them and it always looks like you don't have a girlfriend."

"What does this have to do with our career?"

The record company just thinks it would look better if people saw you out with someone now and then. Especially now that the album is going to be released."

John looked away from Elliot to Robby, he had his head dropped to the floor. then his gaze moved to Mike, who was busy looking at the different buttons on the sound board. John knew that they had both heard everything that was said, they just didn't want to look like they had been a part of it. "Do you think I should go out with someone Robby?"

Robby jerked his head up at John's words. "I don't know. You do whatever you think is best man," Robby said trying to avoid John's question.

John wasn't going to let him get away that easily, "But do you think I should start dating someone."

Elliot broke in here, "You wouldn't exactly have to date them. Just spend a little time out in public where people will see you with someone."

"So let me get this straight, you want me to spend some time with a girl out in public; just so people will know what, that I'm not single? I thought the music industry liked musicians to be free of attachments."

"John, there is a difference between being single and looking like you don't like women at all. In the past seven months that I have worked for you, I haven't once seen you with a girl or anyone of the opposite sex."

It took a lot of convincing but John finally got talked into taking a model to the party they were suppose to attend tonight. From what he could get out of Elliot, she was tall, brunette, and twenty three years old. He couldn't remember for the life of him what her name was when he knocked on her door later that night.

A woman with dark hair and eyes opened the door. She was pretty but not gorgeous. She stood almost as tall as he was. John could tell that she was looking him over as well. "Hey," John said, drawing her attention back to his face. "I'm John."

"Carly, it's nice to meet you."

John and Carly sat uncomfortably next to each other in the cab. "So Elliot tells me you're a model."

"Yeah"

"Do you enjoy it?"

"Not really, it's just something that pays the bills. What about you, do you enjoy being a musician?" Carly asked.

"Yes, it's one of the best feelings in the world to get up and perform in front of people."

They sat in silence for a little while longer before Carly turned to John, "If you don't mind me asking, why did you need your manager to find you a date? You a nice, good looking guy, I'm sure you could have any girl you wanted."

"Actually, it wasn't my idea to have Elliot find me a girlfriend. If it were up to me I would still be going to these things alone." John realized how hurtful that sentence sound to her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that I don't enjoy your company or anything. The truth is, I sort of already have a girlfriend, but for the last several months she has been living in Seattle."

Carly didn't want to pry anymore into his personal life so she let it go. Their night turned out to be the same old people, talking about the same old things. Robby and Mike looked happy to see John with someone other than them for a change.

When John had taken all he could stand of the over priced, over paid atmosphere; he went in search of his date. He found Carly standing with Robby and Janet.

"Enjoying yourself?" Robby asked when John walked up.

"Actually I'm was coming to see if Carly was ready to go."

"Whenever you're ready," Beth said.

John grabbed their coats and walked to the curb. He whistled for a cab and jerked at the tie that was around his throat. "I hate going to those things."

"It wasn't a lot of fun, that's for sure."

John turned to Carly and smiled. "Sorry, I knew how boring that thing would be. I should have a least warned you."

"It wasn't the worst thing I've ever had to endure."

"But it could sure come real close right?" John asked jokingly.

Carly didn't have time to respond, a cab pulled up to the cub and John opened the door. Carly crawled in and slid to the other side to give John room to sit down. The cab ride conversation flowed more freely from them than it did earlier.

When the driver pulled up in front of Carly's house, John instructed him that he would walk her to her door and be right back. "Thanks for doing this," John told her while Carly was fishing around in her purse for her keys.

"No problem. You're friends are really nice. Maybe I'll get to hear you play sometime."

"We are doing a show Friday downtown, you are more than welcome to come."

"Maybe I will," Carly said, entering her house.

-28-

Samantha's graduation day, a day that should have been filled with memories that one could hold onto for the rest of their life. Instead, they only held sadness for Samantha. As she walked through the gardens of her backyard she remembered the scenes that had unfolded today.

Samantha had known better than to expect her father to come to her graduation, she doubted her even knew when it was. But he not only came to the graduation he went to the ceremony afterwards for the parents and graduates. Samantha just thought he was playing his role of the devoted father and didn't think anymore of it, until the ride home.

Samantha and her father sat across from each other in the long, black limousine. As was usual when they were together, Samantha remained quiet and withdrawn from her surroundings. He father's voice pulled her back from her thoughts.

"I have a present for you."

"You do?" Samantha managed to get out.

He handed her a wrapped box. It wasn't heavy but it wasn't light either. Samantha tore open the wrapping and lifted the top off the box. Inside was a large manila envelope. Samantha looked at her father in confusion.

"Open it," he commanded.

Samantha carefully slid the contents out of the envelope. They were all pamphlets on Stanford University. "I don't understand," Samantha said as she filtered through the material.

"What don't you understand? It's all right there in those pamphlets. I had my secretary fill out the necessary forms for you to be registered for this coming semester."

"No, I don't want to go to Stanford, I had planned..."

Her father's cold, steely eyes were now glaring into her, "You planned on what? Going back to Buffalo?"

Samantha didn't think she could respond if someone had place a gun to her head. But she didn't have to, her father continued without waiting for her answer. "I already know about your plans Samantha, but they have been changed. Stanford is an excellent school, your mother went there. You know how much it would mean to her to have you attend the same almamater she did."

Samantha's blood was beginning to boil now. How dare he bring her mother into this conversation. He always knew the right buttons to push for Samantha to play by his rules, but this time was going to be different. Samantha opened her mouth to talk, but she was cut off.

"Besides you are no longer accepted at Buffalo State."

"What?"

"I personally called the dean to tell them that you had changed you mind about attending next fall, that you were going to Stanford."

"You didn't?" Samantha's head was spinning, but she knew before he answered that she had already lost this battle.

"Yes, I did."

"You can't do that. I'm eighteen now and it doesn't matter what say, I don't have to did what you want."

Samantha expected her father's anger, but she didn't get it. Instead he remained calm as he spoke. "You're right Samantha, it doesn't matter what I want because as you pointed out you are eighteen now. But keep in mind, Buffalo State will no longer accept you neither will any other college of your choice."

"Except for the college you have chosen," Samantha spit out.

"It's not going to be all bad. You will be in California, have your own place..."

"And far away from John, right?"

The diver had come around and opened the door for them to exit the car. "It will all be for the best," was all her father said better ending the conversation.



John's spirits had perked up some over the last month. It was June which meant he only had another month before Samantha came back.

John walked into the Rainbow hoping to find Artie. He had left him a message on his machine that he needed to talk with him. he found Artie by the stage talking to a few people.

"Hey man, what's up?" John said as he approached Artie.

Artie turned to look at John and the smile that was on his face quickly faded. "Hey."

"You wanted to talk to me."

"Why don't we go over here," Artie said walking to a table away from everyone else. After they had sat down Artie looked back to John. "I got a letter from Samantha this morning."

"How is she? How was her graduation? When did she say she would be back in town?" John spit out these questions almost faster than Artie had time to comprehend them. This was the first time anyone had heard anything from Samantha since she left.

"John, what she told me wasn't very good, at least not for you."

"What are you talking about?"

Artie took a deep breath, then explained the best he could Samantha's situation.

John listened to everything Artie said, all the while his mind was reeling. "He can't do that to her."

"John, I don't know what Samantha has told you about her father, but trust me he can do that and most likely he already has." Artie could tell that John was upset, and in an effort to calm him down, Artie said, "John, think of it like this, Samantha will get a first rate education and you can pursue your career. Then when both of you are settled..." Artie was sure what to say next, "Maybe things can work out for you two. She put this in my letter also." Artie handed John a plain white envelope with just his name on the outside.

John was still sitting at the same table staring at the unopened envelope two hours later. "You going to read that letter or just guess what it says?" Robby asked when John still hadn't noticed that he had sit down beside him.

Not taking his eyes off the envelope, John said, "It's from Sam."

"I figured you would be ecstatic to hear from her."

"So did I," .

"Then what happened?"

"She's not coming back," John replied somberly

"I don't understand."

"Neither do I, man. I'll talk to you later, okay?" John said snatching the envelope and pocketing it.

"John, you sure you don't want someone around," Robby asked.

"I think I just need to be by myself for a while."

John unlocked the door to his apartment. the sun had gone down hours ago, but the street lamp across the street reflected light across the room. John stepped out on the fire escape and pulled Samantha's letter out of his pocket. Slowly he opened it and removed the single sheet of paper, along with another envelope inside the other one. Opening the letter, John read,

Dear John,

I know that you probably don't understand what's going on, and to tell you the truth neither do I. I miss you more than you can imagine and think of you everyday. I have thought a lot about why these things are coming between us. The only thing I can come up with is that all things happen for a reason. I don't regret anything that we said or did. No one will ever have a greater impacted on my life the way you did and still do. I wish I could explain to you how much you helped me. You allowed me open places in my heart that I didn't even know existed. Please go on with your life, with your career. I know there is a time for us, maybe it has already past or maybe it is still to come. I love you and no matter what happens between us, I will continue to love you until the day I die.

Always Yours, Sam



John read and reread the short note so many times he had it memorized. When John on longer need to read the note to know it word for word, he put the letter back in the envelope and opened the other one. Inside he found the picture that he had taken of both of them at the Rolling Stone concert. He was standing behind Samantha with one arm around her stomach with the other one holding the camera out in front of them.

John didn't need a picture to remember what Samantha looked like. He saw her face every time he closed his eyes. "I love you," John whispered, but no one but the night was there to hear it.

-29-

Samantha's first month at Stanford was uneventful. She had moved here little over two months ago. Her father had insisted that she live in her own apartment, one thing she didn't argue with him about. Samantha was just glad to be away from him, away from all the pain he always caused her.

Samantha did enjoy college more than high school. Maybe it was because she didn't have to wear a uniform everyday. She could roll out of bed and put on whatever was clean and be on her way. Her major was another thought that kept her mind occupied for the past month. It seemed to Samantha that most people were born knowing what they wanted to accomplish in life, she didn't have a clue. For a while she thought about becoming a social worker. Helping children without anyone, but then she would think about her own life and realize that she wasn't the best person to be mentoring young adults. Two days before school Samantha finally decided on Photography. She had always loved to take pictures, to see things through a lens that other people couldn't.



John was in a daze for a month after he got Samantha's letter. Everyday he got up and went through all the motions, doing things her knew was expected of him, but he didn't feel any of them. He only felt the cold numbness inside his chest. a place that had once been so full of love and laughter was now hollow and empty.

The Goo Goo Dolls first album had been released. It didn't soar up the charts but all the guys were pretty happy with the minimal success it earned them. Elliot had set them up on a tour of college campuses. A tour that was set to start in little over a month.

Robby and Mike hoped that the distraction of the tour would bring some of John's old spirit back. He had yet to confide in them or anyone what Samantha's note had said, but by the way he was acting everyone could pretty much guess.

"Haven't seen you around much lately stranger."

John looked toward the voice that had just spoken. It was Carly. She was standing right beside him, but for some reason her voice seemed far off and distant. When he made no reply, Carly took the initiative and sat down across from him. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry. I was just thinking."

"Must be something pretty intense going on in your head."

Once again John didn't reply, he only nodded.

Robby and Janet came to the table together and sat down "Just what is going on over hear?" Robby asked in his jovial manner.

Carly had been starring at John. After the one glance to see who had spoken to him earlier, John hadn't looked back at her. "Nothing much," Carly said, answering Robby's question when she knew John wouldn't.

"We were thinking of going out. You know a last get together before you guys go back on tour. Do you want to come?" Janet asked, her voice was as friendly as Robby's earlier.

"No, I don't think so," Carly said.

"Oh come on, you have to come. John, tell her to come with us," Robby said, elbowing John in the ribs to get his attention.

John's attention snapped to the three people sitting in front of him, "What?"

"Tell Carly that she has to come with us tonight."

John turned to Carly, "I don't know where we are going, but you are welcome to come."

Robby, Janet, Mike, Kristen, John and Carly went to a club right outside Buffalo. None of them had ever been to it before, but it was basically the same as all the others.

Mike and Kristen were cuddled up on the dance floor and Robby and Janet were at the bar getting everyone a refill, which left Carly and John by themselves.

John's silence was eating away at Carly. "John, if you didn't want me to come with you all you had to say was maybe some other time."

John had been listening to Carly, but just barely. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"What is wrong with you?"

John realized just how rude he had been to her tonight. Thinking she deserved an explanation for his rudeness John said, "Carly, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so impolite tonight, it's just that I've got things on my mind."

"Anything you want to get off you chest?"

"Maybe later," John said before Robby and Janet took their seats with them again.

Like the rest of the night, John was quiet driving to Carly's house. She tried to make polite conversation but gave up when she realized John wasn't listening.

When John stopped in front of her house, Carly didn't wait for him to open her door. She jumped out and walked up the steps not looking back to see that John had followed her.

"Are you in a hurry?"

Carly jumped at the sound of his voice and dropped her keys. "I figured you would want to get rid of me so you can go sulk alone. Not that you didn't do fine with everyone around." Carly's anger had gotten the best of her. All night she had tried to get John to talk to her or at least try to look like her was happy to be there, but nothing.

"Carly," John caught her hand when she went to pick up her keys. "I'm sorry. I know I acted like a jerk tonight, but it really had nothing to do with you."

"Then who does it have to do with? You were obviously think about someone that wasn't at that table tonight."

John took a deep breath, "Yes, I was. Her name is Samantha."

"Your girlfriend." John looked puzzled at how she knew that, so Carly went on, "You told me once that you had a girlfriend living in Seattle, but you never told me her name. I assumed by the way you said her name that must be who you were thinking about."

John bent to retrieve the forgotten keys. Placing them in her hand, Carly unlocked the door and offered, "Would you like to come in for a while?"

John hesitated, before deciding to go in for a while. After all, he had been completely rude to her all evening. John took a seat on the couch.

Carly joined him after removing her shoes. "So what happened to Samantha?"

John dropped his head to the back of the couch. "She moved here about two years ago. Her father had sent her to live with her uncle for a while. Her uncle just happened to be our old manager." John closed his eyes reliving all the memories he was sharing with Carly about Samantha. "When I first met Sam, she was so shy and withdrawn. She hadn't had the best family life, and neither had I; so we had a connection. At first we were only friends, best friends. She was someone that I could tell anything to, and I knew she felt the same way about me."

"How did she become your girlfriend?"

John had opened his eyes when Carly had asked the question. A smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he went on. "That's the tricky part. See, we never planned to be anything more than friends. In act when we realized we had feelings for each other, we tried to fight them. But finally we realized that no matter how hard we fought them they would always be there. I guess love is just funny like that. It comes in the most unexpected places."

"Tell me about it," Carly mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing. So if everything was so perfect, what happened?"

John rubbed his eyes, trying to get rid of the nagging headache that came every time her thought about Samantha's father. "Everything was perfect for us until her father came and took her back to Seattle."

"Why did he do that?"

John got up off the couch. "He is a selfish, mean-hearted man that doesn't care for anyone other than himself."

Carly watched John pace around the room as he told her about Samantha's father. His words weren't affecting her as much as his anger in the way he spoke of this girl's father. When he finished, Carly asked, "If this Samantha loved you so much, why did she go back with her father?"

"She didn't really have a choice."

"What do you mean?"

"Samantha was only seventeen years old."

Carly's mouth dropped open, but she tried to hide her surprise by quickly looking away. Why did it upset her so much to know that the girl he was pining away for was so young. Guys had girlfriend all the time that were younger than that; but he did say that was two years ago. By now she would be nineteen or twenty.

-30-

Samantha fell into the routine she had set for herself. Everyday was a carbon copy of the day before. She had met a few people in her classes that she liked. Alex, a boy that was also a photography major and in almost all of her classes, had asked her out on numerous occasions and every time Samantha had turned him down.

No matter how many time Samantha told Alex no he still kept coming around. He said that if friendship was all he would get from her then that would be fine. They became lab partners in class and shared a dark room they had set up in Samantha's apartment.

Samantha liked having Alex around just for the fact that he gave her someone to talk to other than herself. She never mentioned John but Alex knew there was another guy involved when he asked who the guy in the picture that was beside her bed.

Samantha had been reluctant to talk about John for fear that she might brake down at the mer mention of his name, but he was never far from her thoughts. She thought about him everyday and dreamed about him every night. As much comfort as Alex gave her, Samantha never shared things with him the way she had with John.



John's pulse was pounding so loud when the bus crossed over the California border he knew everyone on the bus had to hear it. He couldn't believe they were going to be so close to Samantha. They were booked to do a concert on the grounds of UCLA. It was to be their last concert before going back to Buffalo to start recording another album.

From the day Elliot told them about the last minute concert, John had agonized over whether to go see Samantha or not. He had gotten her address from the phone book at the last service station they had stopped at.



Samantha an Alex had gone to the beach to photograph the sunset and the people earlier that day for their final project that was due in two days. Coming back they decided to go ahead and develop the film. After processing and stabilizing the six rolls of film they had used that day, Samantha and Alex hung the picture up to dry and exited the dark room.

"Are you hungry?" Alex asked after washing his hands.

"A little bit."

"Do you want to go out, or fix something here? You know I don't think I have ever seen you cook before."

That one sentence was all it took for Samantha's mind back to her first attempt at cooking. that night was also another night for a first, that was the first time John ever really kissed her. The kiss that started it all.

"Samantha," Alex said waving his hands in the air.

"Yeah"

"You looked like you were a million miles away."

Samantha smiled to show him her thoughts were back to the here and now. "It doesn't matter, we can go out or stay in, which ever you prefer."



John made the cab driver stop an entire block from Samantha's apartment. After the concert John had got to the hotel, showered and changed the headed straight for Samantha's place. Now, standing across the street from her building her couldn't move. Looking up to all the widows her wondered which one was hers.

He looked at the paper that he had written her address down on. She was in apartment 525, that meant she was on the fifth floor. His eyes went across the windows on the fifth floor trying to find some sign of which one might be Samantha's.



Samantha watched as Alex tossed some peppers and onions around in a pan. She was more than willing to go out, but Alex said he would cook for her tonight.

When Alex had gotten tired of Samantha's constant need to help with something, he shooed her out of the kitchen. She sat on the couch for a while, flipping through the channels on the television, but her mind wasn't paying attention. The sounds coming from the kitchen kept sending her mind back to another kitchen that had seen the disasters of her cooking.

Finally Samantha turned the television off and got up from the couch. She started go make sure Alex didn't need any help, but she changed her mind. She really didn't want to be in a kitchen with him right now. Samantha walked of to the window and pulled the curtain out of the way.

The view from her window wasn't beautiful, it was just ordinary. She could see the street down below along with the park for all the roller bladders and dog walkers in the city.



John was about to make himself cross the street when something moving in the window caught his eye. He waited, letting his eyes adjust to the figure that had stepped into the light.

He knew from the moment he looked up, the girl standing at the window was Samantha. She looked as beautiful as the first day he met her. Her hair was pulled in a clip on top of her head, but it looked like she had been in a wind storm for the last hour because her hair was beginning to fall out of place. From what he could tell she was dressed in her usual style, not fancy or extravagant just simple and uniquely her.



Samantha looked out the window. It was dark outside, but there were a few lights that surrounded the park which gave off enough light to make out the syllowett of benches and trees across the street. Samantha's thoughts were once again back with John, with his touch, his taste. Samantha swore that some nights she could still feel her lips burning from their last bittersweet kiss. She could still feel his arms around her as she laid in bed alone, wondering what he was doing; and if he was thinking about her half as much as she thought about him.

A passing car's head lights drew Samantha's attention to something across the street. She could just see the shadow of something standing on the sidewalk. Studying it more closely, Samantha realized that it wasn't something, but someone. A someone that was staring at her as much as she was staring at them.

She didn't know why she got the strange tightness in her chest looking down at this person. Because it was so dark, Samantha couldn't tell if it was a man or woman.

"Samantha, dinner's ready," Alex said walking towards the window.

Samantha didn't move. She couldn't seem to take her eyes off the figure across the street. Walking up behind her, Alex placing his hand over her hand that was holding the curtain open. He pulled it further to the side so he could see what she was looking at.

It was then, that another passing car's head lights passed over the person across the street. Samantha thought her heart had stopped. "Oh my god, it's him."

"It's who?" Alex asked, but Samantha had already spun away from the window and flung open the door.



Watching her stand at the window, John thought everything about her was the same, until the man appeared behind her. Then John realized that her life wasn't the same. Samantha had moved on, just like she had told him to do. His proof was right before his eyes.

Not wanting to look at Samantha's new life anymore John turned his eyes away from the window. He walked to the edge of the sidewalk and threw his hand in the air to get the taxi drivers attention. Sliding into the back seat and slamming the door, John growled, "Go."



Samantha ran down the five flights of stair that separated her from the ground floor. Once she reach the lobby of the apartment building she didn't slow down until she was out the front door. Only then did she stop and look across to the sidewalk where the man had stood.

Running after her, Alex asked, "What are you doing? Who is out here?"

Samantha looked across the street. Nothing was there. Not bothering to wait for traffic to go by Samantha ran across the street causing a black Explorer to slam on brakes to keep from hitting her.

When she was across the street Samantha went to the same place he had stood. "He was right here."

"Who? Samantha, there isn't anybody here."

"But he was here, I know he was," Samantha insisted. "I saw him. He came for me." Turning to look at Alex, he still had no idea what she was talking about. "Why would he leave before seeing me?"

"Samantha, there isn't anyone here. I think you only thought you saw someone here."

Samantha shook her head. "I couldn't have imagined it." She turned to him now with tears in her eyes, "He was here, Alex. I know he was here; I can still feel him."

Continue A Place To Belong ...
~ Home ~ John ~ Robby ~ Mike ~ Pictures ~ Story ~ Links ~
~ Email Me ~ Sign My Guestbook ~ View My Guestbook ~
~ Message Board ~ Chat Room ~

Visitors Since August 12, 2000