Bonjour munchkins.  This increasingly irregular (so much that it's not even Friday) Friday Rant returns for a uniquely collectable one-off numbered limited edition on fine bone china to commemorate the start of the World Cup.  This rant cannot be bought in any shops and is available by mail-order only from The Franklin Mint.  Always read the label.  For occasional use only.  Persons with a low tolerance for in-jokes, hip-hop slang, profanities, blatant opinions & half-baked notions should discontinue reading immediately as an allergic reaction may occur.  Avoid use if suffering from chlamydia, glaucoma, chronic pulmonary disease, sense-of-humour bypass, difficulty in urinating due to the state of the economy, shingles, puckered starfish disorder, uncontrollable blinking, rapid heart beat or wind.  Do not operate heavy machinery.  Keep out of the reach of children.  Store @ room temperature.
 
 

Unlike the vast majority of alehouse TV pundits, I do not want Brazil to win the World Cup, nor do I think that they will.  However, I do want them to beat Scotland into an omelette.  Nothing would please me more than for the opening game of the 1998 Coupe du Monde to be a massacre on a par with the Little Big Horn, if only to give me a chance to break out some of those old Jim Leighton jokes.  Sounds mean-spirited?  Yeah!  AND???  Your point being...?

It's like this - in 1974, England never got as far as the final stages, whereas the Scots did.  At this point, in order to make the tournament more interesting, a great many English fans decided to throw their weight behind the Scottish team in the hope that they'd give English-speaking nations something to cheer about.  Of course, they didn't, but more of that later.  What sticks most in my memory is the endless carping and nyah-nyahing from our Caledonian comrades; "Oh, it's we now, is it?  All of a sudden, we're British, are we??"  That kinda thing.  Same thing happened in 1978 (I think), and as a result, the tradition of the sweaties always rooting for whoever beats, or is likely to beat, England in any sporting event continues to this day, whilst in the great English tradition of fair play, yer average rosbif will still root for Scotland if there's no English involvement.  Well, all bets are off - the backlash starts here.

Personally, Euro '96 was the last straw for me - all of that "Braveheart" shite, "Remember Bannockburn", the Tartan Hordes trashing the Wembley turf, that was all you got out of most Scots.  That, and how they were going to stuff England at Wembley and reach the second stage.  As you'll doubtless remember, we battered them and in the time-honoured Scottish fashion, it was all over after two weeks.  The English Press, out of some misguided sense of loyalty to the Union, were full of praise for Craig Brown's "Bravehearts".  It was at this point that I thought; "Hold on a minute - why are you, or rather we, doing this?  When was the last time a Scotsman got behind an English side?"  Anyone recall those scenes of unrestrained glee in numerous Scottish hostelries when Gareth Southgate's penalty against Germany was saved?  I do.

I ought to add for the record that I think Scotland is a beautiful country and the Scots are a fine race of people, but when it comes to football they are simply another enemy to be vanquished or otherwise humbled.  They didn't make the cut into Euro '96 because they simply weren't good enough.  I believe that still applies.  How any side that still fields Jim Leighton can kid itself that it has a chance in the World Cup is beyond me.  I will be plotted up in front of the box c. 4.30 this afternoon with a bit of Sergio Mendes on the decks, wearing whatever green and yellow combo I can dig out of the wardrobe and willing Roberto Carlos to drop some 1970 Rivelino revival pressure on the Jocks.  Brazil will bring the pain big-time and I'm gonna love every second of it.  Scotland - you're on yer own.