Oh dear.
Stop me if you've heard this, etc etc etc:
Read on
but
only
if
you
really
want
to
hear
the
punchline...
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to
the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of
chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical
inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's
the only trip the establishment would let
it
take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked
act of rebellion and we were
quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve
gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly
go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPOCRATES: Because of an excess
of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation
of the chicken's side of the road was
threatening its dominant market position.
The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and
develop the competencies required for
the
newly competitive market. Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering
relationship with the client, helped
the chicken by rethinking its
physical
distribution strategy and implementation
processes. Using the Poultry
Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped
the chicken use its
skills,methodologies, knowledge, capital
and experiences to align the
chicken's people, processes and technology
in support of its overall
strategy
within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a
diverse
cross-spectrum of road analysts and
best chickens along with Anderson
consultants with deep skills in the
transportation industry to engage in a
two-day itinerary of meetings in order
to leverage their personal knowledge
capital, both tacit and explicit, and
to enable them to synergize with each
other in order to achieve the implicit
goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide
value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes.
The meeting was held in a
park-like setting, enabling and creating
an impactful environment which was
strategically based, industry-focused,
and built upon a consistent,
clear,and
unified market message and aligned
with the chicken's mission, vision,and
core
values. This was conducive towards
the creation of a total business
integration
solution. Andersen Consulting
helped the chicken change to become more
successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you
see, represents the black man. The
chicken
'crossed' the black man in order to
trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be
free
to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down
from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road."
And the chicken crossed the road, and there
was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it
cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross the road before
you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken
did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken
did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that
the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why?
The end of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone
cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone
ever think to ask, What the heck was
this chicken doing walking around all
over
the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are
at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the
road reveals your underlying sexual
insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released
the new Chicken Office 2000, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay
eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is
not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the
road at the same time, whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe
the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great
periods of time, have been naturally
selected in
such a way that they are now genetically
disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken
crossed the road or the road moved beneath
the chicken depends upon your frame
of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies
your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken
did not cross the road .. it
transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die.
In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
A doctor of psychology was doing
his normal morning rounds when
he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the
floor, pretending to saw a piece
of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from
the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number
1 what he was doing. The patient
replied, "Can't you see I'm
sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient
#1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's
my friend, but he's a little
crazy. He thinks he's a light
bulb." The doctor looks up
and notices Patient #2's face
is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1,
"If he's your friend, you should get
him down from there before
he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And
work in the dark?"
This guy was out hunting one day;
he had all the gear,
the jacket the boots and the
double-barreled shotgun. As
he was climbing over a fence,
he dropped the gun and it
went off, right on his penis.
So he went to the doctor
and got put under the gas. When
he woke up, he found that
the doctor had done a marvellous
job repairing it.
When he was completely awake
and ready to go home, the
doctor gave him a business card.
"This is my brothers card. I'll
make an appointment for
you to see him."
The guy says "Is your brother
a doctor too?"
The doc replies "No, he plays
the flute. He'll show you
where to put your fingers so
you don't pee in your eye."
The man wandered up to the counter at
the hardware store and asked if he could
buy enough gold bricks to build his
house with. The assistant explained that
the store didn't sell gold bricks,
at which the man dumped a huge wad of cash
on the counter and said "You do now!"
The man built his house of gold bricks,
and was very proud of it indeed. There
was one problem though - there was
one brick left over. The man thought hard
about what to do with the gold brick,
and decided to sell it.
He took out an advert in the local paper
- one gold brick, only one careful
owner - any offers considered.
There was no reply. The following week, the
man took out a half page advert in
the paper, and had it running every day for
a week. Still no response.
So, when the time was up, he took out a full page
advert in the paper, and had it running
every day for a month. Still, there
was not one glimmer of interest in
his gold brick.
He took out a radio advert and had it
played every half hour for a week. Utter
silence - not one phone call.
He made a television advert and had it played
every fifteen minutes for two weeks.
A special hotline was set up to collect
the flood of phone calls that would
call in asking about the brick. Not one
caller.
Eventually, at the end of his tether,
the man wandered up by the railway bridge,
thinking about his brick. It
had cost him far more to get rid of than the
brick itself was worth. He looked
sadly at the brick, cried "Oh sod it!" and
threw the brick over the side of the
bridge.
*******************P A U S E **************************
Why did they call Diana Princess of
Windows?
She looked great, did lots of really
interesting things and then crashed spectacularly
****************** PAUSE ******************************
There was an old lady, who was having
trouble making ends meet. She lived alone
with her small pet dog, who she doted
on. Now, the dog was rather old, and she
was getting steadily poorer, to the
point that she eventually decided that the
kindest thing to do would be to have
the dog put down.
The old lady booked an appointment with
the vet, and the vet told her that the
cost of having the dog put down would
be around £70 plus costs. The lady was
mortified - there was no way she could
possibly afford it.
Reluctantly, she decided that she would
have to do a DIY job on it. When she
reached home, she hugged and kissed
her beloved pet, and fitted a noose to the
light fitting, where she hanged her
dog. As the dog began to suffocate, he
kicked and stuggled, eyes bulging and
tongue hanging out. Overcome with
remorse, she cut the dog down.
A few days later, the old lady was desperate
- she hadn't eaten for two days,
the house was frozen where she couldn't
afford to leave the heating on and it
really was a case of her or the dog.
Miserably, she put the dog in the oven to
gas it to death. As she shut
the door, the dog began to frantically scratch
against the oven door, yelping pitiably
the whole time. Stricken with guilt,
the old lady released the dog and hugged
it close, promising not to ever hurt
her pet again.
As the days passed, however, she began
to change her mind, and decided to drown
the dog. Placing it in a sack
and filling it with bricks, she dragged the
sack towards the river. As she
did so, the dog began to bark and struggle
and all she could hear was a pathetic
whimpering from the sack. I can't do it,
she thought, and released the dog.
She took it home and lavished it with care
and attention until again, she felt
she had to kill the dog. She took it up to
a railway line and tied it to the tracks.
As the train drew near, she looked at
the dog. The dog looked at the
train. The dog looked at her. She looked at
the dog. She looked at the train.
The train drew nearer. She looked at the
dog. The dog looked at the train.
The dog looked at her. She looked at the
train.
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! She cried, running out
on to the tracks to rescue the terrified
pet. Clutching it by the side
of the tracks, the train passed within inches of
both of them. Relief flooded
through her. Her pet was safe. "Oh, my poor,
poor pet," she cooed, "What can I have
been thinking? We'll find a way to
survive together. We'll get a
loan or something, but no-one will ever hurt you
again."
She put a lead on the dog and led him
happily down the underbridge path towards
home, when suddenly a gold brick fell
over the side of the bridge, killing the
dog instantly.
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing
at him, calling him an idiot, etc. so, he says that he will wager $50 to
anyone who has an
instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits
it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi
Hendrix, just rippin' it up.
So the man pays his $50.
Another guys walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the man says. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
This is a copy of an actual letter Sony
received soon after running a competition.
God bless you for the beautiful radio your Company donated as a prize at our recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I was the lucky one to win it.
I am 86 years old and live at the Country home for the aged. All my family have gone and it was nice to have someone think of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My room mate is 95 and has always had her own radio but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into lots of pieces. It was just awful. She asked me if she could listen to my new radio and I told her to get fucked.
Sincerely
Elsa McEvoy
The future - health warnings on booze a la USA. Remember this the next time you fancy a lost weekend...
The following extracts come in response
to an advert in a South African woman's magazine called Femina. All
of the extracts are from people whose first (or even second) language is
NOT English! It can also be said that these people live, to put it
politely, a very rural existence. Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine
ran an advertisement for a Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of a vaginal
infection known as vaginitis. The ad prompted hundreds of letters
from sufferers countrywide, most of whom from black women who were clearly
unsure as to what exactly was wrong with them. The letters
were collected by Win Kuppers, boss of the advertising agency that created
the Femina ad who swears that every single one of them is genuine.
Herewith extracts from some of the best...
From a little book called, "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
********
[Crown Court, Letchworth, Hertfordshire,
1981]
Judge: "You have been found guilty
of shoplifting. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Defendent pulls out cigarette case
and flips it open: "Beam me up, Scotty!"
[He got done for contempt of court.]
*******
Q: What gear were you in at the moment
of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
********
Q: What was the first thing your husband
said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
********
Q: And where was the location of the
accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and
500.
********
Q: Do you kow if your daughter
has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
********
Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
********
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
********
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
********
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
********
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
********
Q: Is your appearance here this morning
purusant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go
to work.
********
Q: All your responses must be oral,
okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
********
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30
p.m.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the
time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table
wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the
patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on
my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still
been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law somewhere.
********
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the
fracas and the navel.
AEROPLANE SAFETY
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aeroplane."
"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling
with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
THE SMOKING SECTION
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the aeroplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.
Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the
plane immediately."
ROUGH LANDINGS
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella? WHOA!"
An announcement made by the head flight
attendant after landing:
"That was quite a bump and I know what
y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault. It
was the asphalt!"
An airline pilot tells us that on a
particular flight, he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the
door while the passengers exited, giving them a smile and a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had
a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What
is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land
or were we shot down?"
On a flight into Amarillo, Texas, after an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our aeroplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
GREAT EXIT LINES
"As you exit the plane, please
make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children
or spouses."
Liz Taylor is about to marry her new 16-year-old toy-boy. Feeling a little concious of her age, she approaches an old friend, a plastic surgeon, and asks him if he can alter her naughty bits so they are the same as a young virgin's. The surgeon agrees and performs the operation.
The operation is a huge success. She comes round from the operation to find her front bottom rejuvenated, just like a young girl's. At the bottom of the bed she also finds three sets of flowers, and enquires who sent them.
"The first is from myself," the surgeon says,"because you are an old friend and I'm delighted the operation when so well."
"And the second?" asks Liz.
"From the anaesthetist," says the surgeon, "because he's always been a big fan of yours and he was so delighted to meet you."
"And the last set?" Liz asks.
"That's from Brian in the Burns unit.
He says thanks for the new ears."
A dis for every occasion...
· I'd like to see it from your
point of view. But I don't think I can stick my head that far up my ass.
· If I wanted any shit from
you I'd squeeze your head.
· Shut the hell up before I
shove this keyboard up your ass sideways.
· When I saw you on the family
tree I wanted to cut it down.
· Are you always this stupid?
Or is today a special occcasion
· Go make a friend and tell
them all about it.
· A friend of yours is a friend
of yours.
· Calling you stupid would be
an insult to stupid people.
· Are your parents siblings?
· Careful now, don't let your
brains go to your head now
· Can I borrow your face for
a few days.My ass went on vacation.
· Don't you love nature? Despite
what it did to you?
· Wouldn't you need a licence
to be that ugly.?
· I don't know what makes you
so stupid but it really works.
· You are no longer beneath
my contempt.
· Her underarms are so hairy,
she looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock.
· That boy's about as sharp
as the leading edge of a BB.
· (You are so stupid) you couldn't
pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the bottom
of the heel.
· If I had a brother like you,
I'd put myself up for adoption.
· You remind me of opium, a
slow working dope.
· A half-wit gave you a piece
of his mind, and you held on to it.
· A sharp tongue is no indication
of a keen mind.
· All that you are you owe to
your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
· Alone: In bad company.
· And there he was, reigning
supreme at number two.
· Anyone who told you to be
yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
· At least you are not obnoxious
like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse
way!
· Better at sex than anyone;
now all he needs is a partner.
· Brains aren't everything.
In fact, in your case they're nothing!.
· Converse with any plankton
lately?
· Do you ever wonder what life
would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
· Do you have to leave so soon?
I was about to poison the tea.
· Do you want me to accept you
as you are or do you want me to like you?
· Doesn't know the meaning of
the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
· Don't feel bad. A lot of people
have no talent!
· Don't let your mind wander
-- it's too little to be let out alone.
· Don't mind him. He has a soft
heart and a head to match.
· Don't you realize that there
are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so
hard to give us another?
· Every girl has the right to
be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
· Everyone is gifted. Some open
the package sooner.
· For two cents I'd give you
a piece of my mind - and all of yours.
· Go ahead, tell them everything
you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
· He can open his mail with
that nose!
· He does the work of three
men: Moe, Larry, and Curly
· He has a mechanical mind.
Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
· He has a mind like a steel
trap -- always closed!
· He has depth, but only on
the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.
· He has more faces than Mount
Rushmore. (Thanks, Elizabeth Charron)
· He is always lost in thought
-- it's unfamiliar territory.
· He is dark and handsome. When
it's dark, he's handsome.
· He is living proof that man
can live without a brain!
· He is so conceited his eyes
behold each other perfectly. (Thanks, Mic Shinberger)
· He is so short, when it rains
he is always the last one to know.
· He is the kind of a man that
you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
· He'd steal the straw from
his mother's kennel. (Thanks, Jo and Peter Dunne)
· He's the first in his family
born without a tail. (Thanks, John Henderson)
· Here's 20 cents. Call all
your friends and bring back some change!
· Hey, I heard you went to the
butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you
wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.
· His origins are so low, you'd
have to limbo under his family tree.
· His personality's split so
many ways he goes alone for group therapy.
· How did you get here? Did
someone leave your cage open?
· I bet your mother has a loud
bark!
· I can tell you are lying.
Your lips are moving.
· I can tie a coffee bean to
my butt and swim across the Columbia River and make a darker stain than
that (about weak coffee)
· I can't seem to remember you
name, and please don't help me!
· I don't consider you a vulture.
I consider you something a vulture would eat.
· I don't mind that you are
talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
· I don't think you are a fool.
But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
· I hear the only place you're
ever invited is outside.
· I hear what you're saying
but I just don't care.
· I hear you are being accepted
into an exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.
· I hear you were born on a
farm. Any more in the litter?
· I know you are nobody's fool
but maybe someone will adopt you.
· I know you're a self-made
man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
· I know you're not as stupid
as you look. Nobody could be!
· I like you. People say I've
no taste, but I like you
· I like your approach, now
let's see your departure.
· I thought of you all day today.
I was at the zoo.
· I will defend to your death
my right to my opinion.
· I'd like to help you out.
Which way did you come in?
· I'd like to leave you with
one thought...but I'm not sure you have a place to put it!
· I'd love to go out with you,
but my favorite commercial is on TV.
· I'd rather pass a kidney stone
than another night with you.
· I'll never forget the first
time we met - although I'll keep trying.
· I'm blonde, what's your excuse?
· I'm busy now. Can I ignore
you some other time?
· I'm going to memorize your
name and throw my head away.
· I'm not as dumb as you look.
· I've come across decomposed
bodies that are less offensive than you are.
· I've had many cases of love
that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
· I've hated your looks from
the start they gave me.
· I've only got one nerve left,
and you're getting on it.
· I've seen people like you,
but I had to pay admission!
· If I said anything to you
that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.
· If I want your stupid opinion,
I'll beat it out of you.
· If I were as ugly as you are,
I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!
· If idiots could fly, this
would be an airport.
· If sex were fast food, you'd
have an arch over your head.
· If what you don't know can't
hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
· If you give him a penny for
his thoughts, you get change back.
· If you had another brain like
the one you've got, you'd still be a half-wit. (Thanks, Richard J. Antus)
· If you stand close enough
to him, you can hear the ocean.
· If your brain was chocolate
it wouldn't fill an M&M.
· In the land of the witless,
the half-wit is king.
· Keep talking. I always yawn
when I'm interested.
· Let's play horse. I'll be
the front end and you be yourself.
· Let's play house. You be the
door and I'll slam you.
· Man alive! But I wish you
weren't.
· Moonlight becomes you - total
darkness even more!
· Never enter a battle of wits
unarmed.
· Now go away or I shall taunt
you a second time.
· Of all the people I've met
you're certainly one of them.
· People can't say that you
have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
· People clap when they see
you - their hands over their eyes or ears.
· Please breathe the other way.
You're bleaching my hair.
· She was another one of his
near Mrs.
· She's like Taco Bell. When
people see her, they run for the border.
· She's so ugly they used to
put a pot roast in her lap so the dog would play with her.
· Some drink form the fountain
of knowledge, but he just gargled.
· Some folks are so dumb, they
have to be watered twice a week.
· Somebody else is doing the
driving for that boy!
· Someone said you are not fit
to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
· The going got weird and he
turned pro.
· The next time you shave, could
you stand a little closer to the razor?
· The overwhelming power of
the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to
father you.
· The thing that terrifies me
the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
· The twinkle in his eyes is
actually the sun shining between his ears.
· There are only two things
I dislike about her - her face.
· We all spring from apes but
you didn't spring far enough.
· We do not complain about your
shortcomings but about your long stayings.
· We heard that when you ran
away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and
all will be forgiven".
· We'll get along fine as soon
as you realize I'm God.
· Well, I'll see you in my dreams
- if I eat too much.
· What he lacks in intelligence,
he more than makes up for in stupidity.
· Whatever anyone says to you
goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
· When God was throwing intelligence
down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.
· When I look into your eyes,
I see the back of your head.
· When you were a child your
mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted
too much.
· Why don't you go to the library
and brush up on your ignorance?
· Worst-dressed sentient being
in the known universe.
· Would you like some cheese
and crackers to go with that whine?
Corporate has defined a lower cost alternative
for Desktop conversions that
also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000)
issue: The goal is to remove all
computers from the desktop by Jan,
1999. Instead, everyone will be provided
with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches,
keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted
time reading and writing emails.
4. Substantial hardware
cost savings.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q My Etch-A-Sketch
has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake
it
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch
off?
A: Pick it up and shake
it.
Q: What's the shortcut
for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake
it.
Q: How do I create a New
Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake
it.
Q: How do I set the
background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and
shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure
for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake
it.
Q: How do I delete a document
on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake
it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch
document?
A: Don't shake it.
The bartender asks the guy sitting at
the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender
hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy
replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to
the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which
constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation
of
remuneration." The bartender
was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat mefor a drink.
But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the
bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe
you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking
about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies,
"I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To
which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a
parrot. The shop owner points to> three identical-looking parrots on a
perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?"
asks the customer.
The owner says "Well, the parrot knows
how to do legal research."
The customer then asks about the next
parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything
the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win
any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled
customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be
honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him
Senior Partner."
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not
enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter
more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving
is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please
leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors
are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M.
daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited
to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across
from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery
where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried
daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in
the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop
your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses
for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order
your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers
in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters
and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years."
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people
of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent
unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of
the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom,
it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong
dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave
your clothes here and spend the day having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special
today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden
to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails
for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do
not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the
guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager
has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost
more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet
about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If
you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm
in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage
then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speeching American.
And from jolly old Blighty: Next
emergency toilet - 26 miles.
These are all genuine GCSE answers...
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited
by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah dessert
and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants
have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting
caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were
created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my
brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves
to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without
any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred
wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured
people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had
myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written
by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek
teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates
died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks
ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered
the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one
place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because
they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped
out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny
who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to
a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided
that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people
were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who
wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William
Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin
Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before
her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions
and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter
Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot
clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the
Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly
on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of
his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all
in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time
as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next
great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his
wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America
began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America
while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina,
the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed
the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was
a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born.
Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the
Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the
colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.
Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates
from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration
of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of
the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under
the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's
greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was
born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham
Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The
believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the
enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity
and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac
Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling
off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great
many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In
between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in
the world and so was Handel.. Handel was half German half Italian
and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even
though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks
in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired
in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon
wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness,
she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the
British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets
in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced
virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was
a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing
by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat
caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick
raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered
a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ
of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became
one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused
by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb.
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energiser Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people and then kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines.
Black holes are where God divided by
zero..