Epilogue
Day. Carl's Bombs and Explosives and Accessories.
[It's four days after Britney Spears/Ganondorf's defeat at the hands of Lauryn Hill/Link and co. Everyone (minus Lauryn, Sarah McLachlan/Princess Zelda, Steve Case and Kenny) is hanging out at Carl's. He's having a sale of all the weapons used in the battle (as artifacts and toys, of course; they don't have the same power anymore).]
Ash [notices a newsstand in Carl's shop]
I thought this was Carl's Bombs and Explosives and Accessories, not Carl's Bombs and Explosives and Accessories and NEWSSTANDS......
Carl
South Park has been a centre of attention for the media since Lauryn Hill blew up Britney Spears and her fake boobs. There's nothing you can do about it.
Mayor [aside, offscreen]
It's not necessarily a bad thing......at least it shows that South Park isn't a piss-ant, white-bred mountain town! [She is trampled to death, presumably by reporters.]
Cartman [picks up some papers and reads the headlines aloud]
"Evil vanquished one more time"? "Smashed into Bit-Bits"? Dude, these headlines are almost as f**ked up as Ganondork herself!!
Kyle
You can't think of good headlines for Bratney, Cartman. Because, as she herself always says—[in a fake-ass Britney voice] she's BRITNEY SPEARS. [Kyle turns to Ash] Say, Ash, Bratney said that you were supposed to be dead. How did you survive, then?
Pikachu [waiting for Ash to answer]
Pikapi?
Ash [scratches his head]
Okay......so I went to Bitchney Pap Smear's lair, trying to save Pikachu......
[Flashback: Britney's room in Ganon's Castle. Ash is seen arguing with Britney.]
Ash [angrily]
Where did you hide Pikachu?
Britney [with a "flirty" smile]
Why so angry, Ash? 10-year-old boys like you are supposed to be, like, really horny—
Ash [glaring at Britney, clenching his fists]
Shut up, you incest pedophile! Give Pikachu back or you'll be sorry!!!! [He charges at Britney, fists flying. Britney remains unfazed.]
Britney [continues to smile]
I'm never sorry. Because I'm Britney Spears.
[Britney extends her hand, releases the same fire magic that almost killed Steve Case in Scene 11, and sends Ash plunging underground.]
Ash [screaming as he descends]
ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH—!!!!
[End first flashback.]
Ash
I thought I was almost dead......when I woke up, I was in some underground cave. I heard Pikachu screaming because of whatever Bitchney did to him. A few hours later......
[Another flashback: Steve Case is struck underground by Britney's fire magic after their fight.]
Steve [pointing to the top of the cave, cussing]
Yeowwww......you little bitch, I'll get you yet......
Ash
Bitchney did that to you too?
[End second flashback.]
Ash
We have no time to introduce ourselves when we notice a giant creature inside the cave who calls himself Biggoron......
[Flashback numero trois (this is the last one, I promise!): Ash and Steve screaming their hearts out when they see Biggoron.]
Biggoron
Hey! What's the screaming about? I'm on YOUR side. [pause] I forged the Biggoron Sword for the Chosen Hero who will slay the demon who calls herself "Britney Spears"!
Steve [confused]
W...what Chosen Hero?
Biggoron [holds the claim check signed by Lauryn Hill]
THIS is the mark of the Chosen Hero!
Ash
Lauryn Hill!? That "Doo-Wop" girl!?
[End third (and final) flashback.]
Ash
Biggoron told us some big story about Bitchney being an evil beast, which I don't really give a damn about because I just wanted to save Pikachu; he healed us, helped us escape......and that's all she wrote.
Carl [pissed-off because everyone has been listening to Ash and neglecting him]
Cut the chit-chat, you assholes! Buy a Bombchu toy with mechanical movement and simulated explosion sounds for only $10! Perfect collector's item! Get it now because it's selling like hot cakes!!
Everyone, except for Ash and Kyle
I'LL BUY ONE, CARL!!!! [They all stampede to the cash register and hand their $10 bill to Carl.]
Kyle [yelling]
Hey, Carl, those bombs are MINE!! All the profits go to me!!
Ash
Who gave you that cloning device? I get half of the money, Kyle!!
Pikachu [rolling his eyes as Ash and Kyle fight over $$$$]
Chu......
[Kyle and Ash continue fighting. Carl and Pikachu tries to break them up. Stan, Wendy, Chef and Cartman leave the store.]
[Chef grabs something from his shirt pocket. It was the Triforce Of Power.]
Cartman
So Chef, where are you gonna put that thing?
Chef
In my safety deposit box. So nobody can ever steal it. [pause] I've gotta go now; someone's waiting for me at my apartment.
[Chef goes home, undoubtedly to make some sweet-love. Stan and Wendy are obviously inspired by this, and start kissing.]
Cartman
Screw you lovebirds, I'm going home!
[Cartman walks back to his house. His mother (father?) greets him with Cheesy Poofs.]
Mr(s). Cartman
Cartman! You should take a quick rest.
Cartman [stammering]
Whatever, just give me my Cheesy Poofs!
[Cartman goes to sleep. He wakes up at midnight to watch TV. It's the Tonight Show—and Jay Leno's first guests are Ash and Pikachu.]
Ash
......and that's how the fight ended. Lauryn's blast hit Britney right in the rack.
Jay Leno
Why would Britney want to capture Pikachu?
Ash
Uhh...you know how Britney's always wanted to do Playboy? She got the deal and she needed to pose with a furry animal. Pikachu was perfect for her. [pause] She wanted him to become the next Tinky Winky.
Pikachu [bursting in tears, because he's obviously traumatized by his experience]
Pikaaa-chuuu!!!
Ash [trying to comfort the crying Pikachu]
She's dead, Pikachu. It won't happen again. And I'll shut up about it, OK? [Pikachu stops crying.]
Jay Leno [points to the audience]
The moral of the story: pedophilia does you no good.
[Roaring applause from the audience.]
Cartman [smashing his remote control]
Why didn't you tell me that earlier, Trash Ketchup!?
[Cartman changes the channel. It's the ABC Evening News.]
ABC News Anchor
......in other news, tourism business in South Park, Colorado has boomed in the wake of the heated battle where Lauryn Hill defeated Britney Spears......even though it's a piss-ant—
Cartman [smashing his remote control again]
One more word from you again and I'll tape your mouth shut, asshole!!
[Cartman channel-surfs for a moment, and lands in CBS. They're in the middle of entertainment news.]
CBS News Anchor
[video of Justin Timberlake pushing through reporters]......teen heartthrob Justin Timberlake of 'N Sync denies committing suicide for Britney Spears, killed in a catastrophic fight in South Park, Colorado. Rumour has it that the lovesick Timberlake overdosed on Prozac the night before Spears' defeat at the hands of hip-hop diva Lauryn Hill. Timberlake and Spears are allegedly dating. Timberlake hotly denies this rumour......
Justin Timberlake [violently pushing away the reporters]
I didn't OD on no Prozac for dat girl. What man would do dat for such a schemin' golddigga pidgey? What's up wit' dat y'all?
Cartman [not knowing that Timberlake actually DID OD on Prozac (according to Scene 11)]
Good move, J-Dogg. But you still suck.
CBS News Anchor
[picture of People magazine in the top-right corner of the screen]......also, for the first time since its inception, People magazine will change its "50 Most Beautiful People" list. It will remove Britney Spears from this year's list and find a suitable replacement for her......in other news, Sarah McLachlan has returned to her copyright trial in Vancouver after a mysterious absence......
Cartman
About time you did that, PEOPLE!
[Cartman changes the channel back to NBC. It's time for a musical performance by the New Radicals.]
Gregg Alexander (New Radicals frontman) [sings]
Wake up kids,
We've got the dreamers disease
Age fourteen
They got you down on your knees
So polite
You're busy still saying please
Frienemies
Who when you're down ain't your friend
Every night
We smash their mercedes-benz
First we run
And then we laugh 'till we cry
But when the night is falling,
And you cannot find the light
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight
You've got the music in you
Don't let go,
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget we only get what we give
Four a.m. we ran a miracle mile
We're flat broke
But hey we do it in style
The bad rich
God's flying in for your trial
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find a friend,
You feel your tree is breaking
Just then
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give
This whole damn world can fall apart
You'll be ok follow your heart
You're in harms way I'm right behind
Now say you're mine
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left this world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give
Don't let go
I feel the music in you
Fly high
What's real can't die
You only get what you give
You're gonna get what you give
Just don't be afraid to leave......
[The guitar riffs become louder, meaning it's time for the highlight of the song.]
Gregg Alexander [pumps up the volume on his guitar and singing]
Triforce works for 15 minutes
Once expired then you are finished
Don't look back now Britney Spears
You must face your greatest fears
You are heading for the morgue
Thanks to Lauryn Hill's Master Sword
And Sarah M's wonderful magic
And the children's kick ass gadgets!
Pikachu [glaring at Gregg]
PIKAAAAAA—CHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! [He electrocutes Gregg for not mentioning him and Ash in the song.]
THE END
THANK YOU FOR READING!!
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Evil Rebirth is written by Miseducation on March 18, 1999.
South Park & characters ©1999 Comedy Central.
The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time & characters ©1998 Nintendo.