Author's Notes: Why Britney Sucks
Some peeps say it's her half-shirts and tight-ass pants. Others swear by her deformed toe.
A third group clamours of the suckiness of her songs "Baby One More Time", "Soda Pop" and
"E-Mail My Heart". Still more people accuse her of seducing countless men—the
Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync, not to mention her cousin. Me? I hate her because
she's a no-talent, no-brains, truth-twisting, superficial, fake. Yes, people,
'tis time for an rant on why Britney Jeau Spears sucks, backed-up by actual quotes
by Her Highness.
First of all, let's discuss her lack of talent. She doesn't write her own songs.
I know Britney fans will use the B-Side to her "Sometimes" single, "So Curious", as a rebuttal;
yeah, I'm "So Curious" as to how the song will sound like. Now, if she can't write her own songs
then she can compensate for it by being a good singer, right? WRONG! She may sound OK on the
CD (apart from some intermittent squeaks), but she sounds like she's suffocating to death when
she sings live! Britney's songs may not be the worst in the world—that honour will have to
go to the Spice Girls for "Spice Up Your Life"—but a lot of people have more talent than
her. And no, Britney's #1 chart rankings doesn't show that she has talent. They only show
that lots of people are buying her CD's. Possibly because of the three hidden BSB tracks at the
end of the video, which I'll mention later. Or they're obsessed with her looks,
another later point. Or the sales figures could have been rigged—payola, anyone?
Next is Britney's brainlessness; every other 3 or 4 words, she says any one of "you know",
"like" or "really". I have a quote to prove it:
Well, it was really strange because, like, I was always the one telling my mom, you know, "I want to go to gymnastics, I wanna go to vocal lessons" you know, and, you know, people were like, "You're taking your child to New York?" , you know? 'Cause I'm like, from such a small town it was just, like, really strange but I'm just so thankful that they were so supportive throughout the whole time. They just knew this is what I wanted to do and they just went that extra mile to support me, you know? So, I'm just so happy for that.
~ Britney Spears, in an interview with MTV's John Norris
Is it just me, or does Bit-Bit have a stuttering problem? Hell, the name "Bit-Bit" itself
sounds like stuttering (if not constipating). She also gets some facts mixed up; in the same interview, when
John Norris asked her if her astrological sign is Virgo, she says: "No, actually Aries." But
her birthday is on December 2, 1981, which is Sagittarius. Very smart, Britney; you got your
own astrological sign wrong!
Third thing: Britney distorts the truth about many things. Here's a quote from a Jam! Music interview (the one called
"This is no Mickey Mouse operation" or something like that):
"I mean, it would be different if I was walking around naked," she (Britney, who else?) says (of her outfits). "But
that's how kids are today. I mean, where I'm from, I don't think anything of it if someone has a
sports bra on and is dancing. I don't think it's like Madonna, and I'm all over someone. I think
it's fun, with me wearing a little midriff top and skirt or whatever. It'd be different if my
skirt was up to my ass."
Spoken like a true 17-year-old.
This comment of Miss Spears offended me. She thinks that kids and true 17-year-olds like wearing
little midriff tops or whatever and think it's fun. Nothing can be further from the truth, as
my friends and I (all true 17-year-olds in the true sense of the word at the time of the interview, unlike Brit) certainly
aren't into showing off our bodies and thinking it's a trend.
And then there's her recent dissing of the BSB on radio. She had the nerve to say the following
about the BSB on her CD: "They took it as they were helping me out......when really I was
trying to help them out." Get real, Brit. Every single one of your projects has a tie-in to either the
BSB or 'N Sync. And I haven't counted how many times you've been photographed with other boy groups.
Now you say YOU're helping THEM out. Yeah, ROTFLMAO. As if that wasn't enough, she even said in the
snottiest voice possible: "I mean 10 years down the road when someone goes to pick up my cd they're gonna
have the Backstreet Boys on it and by then who knows who the Backstreet Boys are gonna be." Just for SAYING this,
Britney will last shorter than the Backstreet Boys. (For the record, I think the Backstreet Boys are OK, but I prefer
Boys II Men and K-Ci & Jojo.)
Another reason that I hate Britney is that she is all about looks. The top reason for liking
her is something along the lines of "SHE IZ SOOOOOOOOOOO FINE!". The booklet for her CD
has, as Brit herself puts it in the transcript for her MuchMusic appearance,
"the straight hair thing, the curly hair thing". Or, as I would say, some sort of promotion for
a hairspray company. If Brit's CD booklet isn't proof that she's superficial, then I don't know
what is! For a more recent example, check out the issue of Teen People with
Lauryn Hill on the cover. They gave Britney a makeover and hair extensions; I think her new "hair"
looks as if it was hit by a static machine in Ontario Science Centre.
Last but certainly not the least, Britney Spears sucks because she is phony as hell. As if the
above mentioned hair extensions is not enough, she looks likes she uses tooth-whitener and
tan-in-a-bottle. Also, the way that she talks is fake. What real person would claim to have "started singing
when I was a baby"? And answer every question
with a "yeah, it's so sweet, it's so good"? And say "people who blow sunshine up your butt",
as Britney did in this Celebrity Central interview?!?
Most important, though, is that SHE PRETENDS TO BE SOMEBODY THAT SHE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT. She claims
to be Little Miss Innocent Perfect Role Model when she dresses like a skank in Rolling Stone and thinks that it's
nothing shocking. (For more proof, read my analysis of her Rolling Stone cover
article and Britney's opinion towards her Rolling Stone photos.
So that's it. My reasons for hating Britney Spears (and, for that matter, writing Evil Rebirth). Surprisingly, contrary to popular
teenybopper belief, "jealousy" isn't one of them. If anything, SHE should be jealous of ME; at
least I can look, speak and act like a real person instead of a pathetic plastic Barbie doll.
Miseducation
Author, Evil Rebirth
March 18, 1999
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Evil Rebirth is written by Miseducation on March 18, 1999.
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