Back to the Funnydex Here are some jokes which are somehow related to computers
Jokes
about Microsoft and/or Bill Gates
A helicopter was flying
around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation
and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot
could
not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to
the
airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
A small crowd gathered in the building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course
to
steer to the airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how
the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their
position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT
building
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically
correct, but completely useless answer."
Three engineers are
riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a
chemical engineer, and a MICROSOFT engineer.
Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The
three
engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what
could
be wrong.
The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics,
suggests:
"Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to
trace where a
fault might have occurred."
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics,
suggests:
"Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a
blockage
somewhere in the system."
The MICROSOFT engineer suggests: "Why don't we close all the
windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe
it'll
work!?"
One of Microsoft's Tech.
Services staff was drafted and sent to bootcamp. At
the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and
bullets.
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the
target
area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech services guy looked at his rifle and then at the target
again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target
again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and
squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward
the
target area:
"You idiots - it's leaving here just fine.
The trouble must be at your end!"
After Bill Gates died he
went to Petrus.
Petrus said to Bill :" You've lived well my son, so you may
go to Heaven,
but you also developed Windows 95, and for that you should go to
Hell.
You may choose where you want to go to."
Bill asked Pertus :" May I see them both first?"
On which Pertus replied :" Off course you may, follow
me."
So they went first to Hell. Bill looked and saw a lot of naked
women.
After that they went to Heaven, and there Bill only saw some
angels on clouds.
When Pertus asked Bill where he wanted to go to he answered
:" I want to Hell."
So Bill went to Hell.
A week later Pertus wondered how Bill was doing in Hell.
So Petrus went down and saw Bill tied up and tortured.
Bill shouted at Pertus :" This isn't the same as I
saw!"
On which Pertus replied :" That's right, the one you saw was
a DEMO VERSION."
-These two are really true.-
When you put in your AUTOEXEC.BAT a command to boot Windows 95,
while he was already
booting windows 95 you'll get a message that loading Microsoft
Windows will slow down your computer.
(But we all knew that.)
When you install Windows 98 and you've got a
Virus-scanner. There is
a great chance that the scanner reports a virus. This virus is
Windows 98.
Microsoft warns you for this and says that you can safely ignore
this message,
but do you believe the maker of a virus?
The latest and greatest version of the
Webster's Dictionary now has an
entry for Windows 95
Windows95 (noun): 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a
16
bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4
bit
microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1
bit of
competition
Is Windows a Virus ?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do :
Until now it seems Windows is a
virus but there are fundamental differences :
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most
systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Windows 95: The first virus with handbook and
resource kit.
The difference between Windows and a virus: Virusses rarely fail.
Windows is *NOT* a virus. Viruses *DO* something.
If God wanted us to use Windows95, he would have give use some
more patience.
1945 Hiroshima
1985 Tjernobil
1995 Windows 95
If speed kills... Window users may live forever.
Air conditioned environment... Do not open Windows.
Computers are like air-conditioners: Both stop working if you
open windows.
Windows... Brings the power of yesterday's computers TODAY!
Windows 95: Proof that you can be 10 years late and still get
most of the credit.
Windows 95 at 300 BPM. (Bugs Per Minute)
Windows 95 user exclaims: "Microsoft, I hate you more than I
can tell!"
Microsoft responds: "We sell you more than you can
hate."
If you wanna play your good old favourite XT games on their
original speed
you should really buy Windows 95. That is the best way to make
your Pentium 200MMX
behave like an good old 4MHz XT.
The box said 'Requires Windows 95, or better'.
So I bought a Macintosh.
I still don't know what will be a wise thing to do:
a. throw Windows on my computer
b. throw my computer on windows
Something is gonna crash anyway.
People says "more memory increases the computerspeed"
and they are
right: More memory Windows detects, the sooner it crashes.
When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows",
people just
stare at you blankly and say:
"Hey, I got those with the system, _for free_"
Other jokes about computers and other computer related things:
Please note: Any errors in this text
caused by my modem being "funny"
What is the biggest dissaster that can
happen on a programming department ?
> No more coffee available.
What is a programmer?
> A programmer is the quickest way to transform coffee into a
program.
They said: "Press any key." But where is the 'any key'?
They said: "Insert disk 2." But I don't have a 2
disk-changer, so how can I possibly insert disk 2?
In a way, staring into a computer
screen is like staring into an eclipse.
It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too
late
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers
The real danger is not that computers will begin to think
like men,
but that men will begin to think like machines
Virus checking initiated... completed.
All viruses functioning normally
No matter how fast your computer system runs,
you will eventually come to think of it as slow
I own a Pentium II 450 MHz, 'cause it reboots faster !
My computer has never had an undetected error
Want to make your computer go really fast?
Throw it out the window
In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great
that it would have taken many men many months to equal it
The more you think you can control computers,
the more you realize they control you
NO, you cannot dial 911, I'm downloading my mail !
May the evolution of the wired society still leave room for
face-to-face dialogue
To err is human,
but to really foul things up requires a computer
I didn't write this: a very complex macro did
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