4/1
There is a girl I met on-line I want to fuck really bad right now.
4/5 Well I fucked biker girl three times in a 24 hour period after I came back from Mexico, but haven't got anything since. Last Wednesday, I went to a soapland in Gotanda. The girl "Aoi" washed me, washed my dick, balls, and ass. Then I got in a tub of hot water.Then we layed on a futon. She licked me, sucked my dick (with a condom on) while I played with her twat. That was pretty good.
I spent a couple of nights at A-chan's house. We watched movies (The Devil's Advocate) and talked. I played with her boobs, but no sex. It just didn't happen. I wasn't in the attack mode.
On Sunday I had my first date with flower-girl. She is tall, slim. We had planned to go to Shinjuku, but glad we didn't. We went to Sagami-ono and Kugenuma Kaigan instead and had a good time. I was real relaxed and happy with myself. I asked her to go home with me, she said she would tomorrow night. The I the same night I went to biker girl's apartment. We watched "Train-spotting" good movie.She told me the boyfriend she just got was moving to Florida in a couple of weeks. Hunh? I don't know what to think on that - so I won't say anything. We didn't have sex. But I enjoyed just being in her room, listening to music, relaxing and having fun. Tonight - no plans.
4/7
biker girl came over Monday night after work(today's Wed). I wanted to fuck her. So I did. She didn't put up any resistance. First she said something like I need to save up for Tuesday night when flower-girl was to come over, but I said "let me manage my sperm myself" in Japanese (僕のセイシの管理を僕に任せて）.She didn't give me anynore trouble after that, she just said she wanted to eat first. So I made her a little speghetti. She was real affectionate - I was a little surprised. She kissed me like she wanted to tell me something - but I didn't think too much about it. And still probably shouldn't so I don't start thinking too much and become unhappy. Not going to let that happen. Need to be honest with myself to find what will make me truly happy. Anyway, she asked me if was up for going to Izu this weekend. I said sure. I felt happy. Also she said she would come over Friday night. Yeah. I have stopped worrying about what kind of relationship I am going to have with her, and have her as a friend. Its easy to do and I can be happy. I think friends can be intimate, loving, caring. You live how you want to.
I have been also trying to be in touch with my inner (true self). It cuts the crap and helps me focus on how I want to be.
Well flower-girl will be joining Brian and I for basketball this evening. That should be interesting. My idea is to be myself and find a natural groove with people I come into contact with. I also want to make friends and contacts to widen my horizons.
4/12
Flower girl came over that night after basketball. The girl was acting pretty wild, she seemed like she was having fun. I took her home, made a dinnner for her. It didn't work out exactly as planned, but I got excited after she leaned over me in a sexy way.I stuck my hands up her shirt felt her up and went from there. In less than a few minutes her clothes were off as well as mine. I stuck it in and kind of went wild. She was wet and juicy but kind of tight. Well she said she had to catch the train, and before I could "Fire away" she left. It was a bummer, which left me in a daze for a while but I have called and she called me. We spoke and things look to be OK. We plan to get together later.I thought she was fun to hang out with.
Biker girl and I met Sat after my English classes. We took the Train to Shimoda on the Izu Peninsula. We spent the night at a Ryokan, the nice thing was she paid for half. We got in the hot spring - naked just the two of us. That was real nice. Later we went back to our room and even though it was her period we had pretty nice sex without turning the sheets red. There was a couple of spots, that was it. Especially I had her from behind, that felt so good I lost it a little earlier than I wanted to but I think it was still good.
We went to Shirahama, a temple and the beach. It was rainy and windy the whole time so a little sad. Watched the windsurfers zip around on the water, that was fun. We stopped in Atami and had food. She keeps getting a lot of calls. And she likes to talk about her friend ( which some are guys). It bugs me, so I started talking about the girls I've been with and felt better. Anyway, none of the people that she hangs out with seem a bit interesting to me. So when she talks about them I just want to doze off. But I try to be a good ear and make the best of it.
I really sense I hae to look out for number one because nobody else is. I need to learn how to make me happy. I try to make others happy, how about trying to make me happy.
I like biker girl, niether her nor I are perfect, I respect her zest for life, and policies about how to live her life. I hope we can be friends. I wear myself out pushing myself to have the best time when with them. I wish I could loosen up, relax, have a great time, and not worry about losing the person I'm with. II keep trying to learn and experiment within my relationships, I would like to relax. Also my mind's field of vision seems to shrink when I with girls, including biker girl. I want to screw so bad, and think about the future with these girls and how I can keep it going, I lose sight of having fun and enjoying myself. Need to keep my mind open, remeber the big picture and stop worrying about the small stuff.
Anyway, we seperated and planned for her to come back to my place after she finished some stuff. She called later asked if I was still up for her coming over. I said OK and she did. I made her some rice with taco meat on top. I wanted her nice and slow and I was able to. She was longer than the prev night and from behind. I worked it and worked it. I think she had all she could and then I came.
She asked me some philosophical questions about how I spent my time etc, asked me about my diary and how much she was in it.
She recalled we had hung out together since August last year and since then have not gone for more than two weeks without seeing each other at least once.
She said she thought "we seemed like we could always be friends as long as I didn't decide to stop".
She was disappointed many of her friends were leaving here and there.
And she mentioned one "minus" about me. She asked me to guess what it was, I finally guessed correctly it was my dick. She said after meeting me she had a harder time having sex with guys who had smaller dicks. I guess she liked mine. She said I had good thickness.
She also mentioned she always uses condoms now. She said she had had sex with as more than 10 and less than 20 last year, and already 3 new people this year. Hearing that really irked the shit out of me, maybe I am just fucking jealous. Why is she getting fucked like crazy. So I am still learning from her.
She mentioned she likes people or relationships go well if the person is good a sex, "kakkoi" which means "cool, having a nice personal style" and is interesting.
She said she says if she tries to make people laugh things usually work out.
I said I was happy we met at Zama camp rather than a club, because I don't think we would have talked if we first saw each other at a club.She said she thought the same thing.
Regarding sex - she said "nanimo shinakereba nanimo shitakunaranai" meaning - she doesn't want to do it if I don't do anything.
She said she doesn't want people to consider her out of style - so she works hard to stay in style"
She said why don't I try to be "Nanpa sareru Otoko" meaning be the the type who gets called upon rather than doing the calling on - regarding girls.
She said I looked - "futsu" which means regular. She said one needs to create their own personal original style. Including me.
As i think about this - she told me alot.
Maybe what is best is that we remain friends. I hope I can be a good friend.
4/15
Wel I might have fucked up my relationship with cybersex girl. We had been emailing each other quite a bit over the past 3 weeks. I liked her alot until she mentioned this other guy named Andy. I had invited her to stay with me in Japan and offered to help her get a job etc. But then in a recent email she asked if it was Ok if she stayed with him a few days while she was in Japan. I thought - enough of that shit, I am tired of being fucking aother guy. I don't mind fucking as many of them as I want but I'm not going to be another fuck for them. All those bitches don't mean shit to me! She says I am "just entertainment". Fuck you whore. Anyway I have been thinking alot recently about concentrating on me and not worrying about or thinking of girls. Make the most of me and girls will come naturally. Why try to spend time convincing some bitch I "great" when I should go out and give effort to be a great as I want to be. A fucking world dominator.Matter of fact I should not think so seriously about this bitch. Who cares if she wants to fuck Andy or any other guy in Japan, even for money, its not my business and I SHOULD NOT need or want to give a fucking damn about these fuck ups. Why care. What's the fucking point. It is true that "caring for these other people has not done a damn thing for me"? 4/16 Well I was happy yesterday because I made a big payment on my Credit card bill. I still have about $1800 more to go and I will be positive in the cash area. Brian and I will be going to Nara during Golden week. I bought tickets for an overnight bus. Finally, A-chan came over for the first time last night. I made a nice spaghetti dinner - asparagas, soft salami, tomatos, Classico sauce, sprinkled garlic and crazy salt, with Monterray Jack cheese. It was delicious. The dishes I can cook, I can really cook. I gave her a massage. I was really good at it, she said I was really good. Then when she turn over I licked her breasts. She has pretty nice ones so I did. And got a good feeling for her rear-end. But I felt that I was treating her in the same way Biker girl treats me. Just play around and have fun, but really not interested in being seriously involved. I have been considering not calling Biker girl recently. It kind of hurts, but kind of feels better, because I don't feel required to be nice, or work hard for her, I don't want to feel any obligations. I just had the idea that, I might not as well throw away anything that might be of value later - like a friend. On the other hand, it requires time and energy to maintain friendships.... well maybe that's not true. JE and I have been friends since elementary school and it doesn't feel like I have to spend a great deal of energy on him. So as long as I don't call Biker girl, I won't feel any pain. Maybe I should just come out and tell her - I want to like her more but when I think about the business she is in, the propositions from slimy people she gets, and her hanging out with other guys, it drives me nuts to the point it hurts, so I don't want to think about it and I want to stop seeing each other. She is like used goods to me. That seems so evil and nasty on my part but I want the pain to go away. The pain of not being able to make her mine. I must be a greedy son-of-a-bitch. I don't want to be somebody else's thing, but I want someone else to be mine. I feel like if I can't have it I rather get rid of it from my life and not have to think about it. I rather it go away entirely than have to deal with it. It is a struggle for me to not yell and scream when I see her or think about talking with her because I want her to be mine so bad. Is there a way to get through this without hurting her or me? Can I just stop calling and meeting her without her thinking I'm an asshole? This is really starting to pile up again. This is my problem - not hers. Regognize and Analyse. My problem - MY PROBLEM is I don't want to spend time and energy on a girl who I think doesn't value me. Even though we went to Izu recently, it feels like nothing has changed. I want to rid myself of these pains. Hurt feelings. Positive, Passion, Confidence? Is that what is necessary? Be positive - no reason to start burn bridges and ditch friends. We all have ruts, stay positive and try to do the best with what you have. No need to cut people off when they haven't done anything bad to you.