4/16

Don't worry, be happy

4/25

Well, biker girl biker girl called Sat morn. I didn't know she did, but called her Sat morning to see what she was up to. She told me she had called and already went home. She said for me to call her when I got off work Sat around 4. I later aranged to meet her at McDonalds a little after 4PM. We met,I bought a blender, and said I would make her a shake. I also filled out papaers to replace my cell phone with a new one. Eventually we went back to my place. One thing that surprised me was in the station she saw some guy she knew and talked with him about 10 min. Later she said he was in her old bike racing group. We went to my home, I made some shakes, maybe food. I don't remember what exactly. But I remember we were in bed, we got naked, mainly on my inspriration, and had sex for a long time. Seemed like 3 hours. From the side, from behind, many ways. I mainly remember being kind of cold, but at the same time horny enough that after I fired off once, I started going again for a long time. I feel a little bad now. I have not been trying to contact anybody or meet anyone for a while now. I have this strange feeling for the past few days. I have been a little worried I might lose all my friends including Biker girl. Maybe I feel like burning bridges. I don't want to hurt anymore. Basically I have just been trying not to care. Maybe its a self-protection thing - caring may lead to pain so stop caring and pain goes away? I want to care, I want to love, I want to be happy.

Anyway, we left for Roppongi late Sat night to go to a club, We got there at 11 and the club wanted to charge me 2000. I decided not to pay the 2000 yen fee, so was about to go home. Biker girl wanted to stay and see her friends. Maybe even Brandon, her boyfriend. Biker offered to eat some food with me before I left which was kind. Anyway she said she would come over to my place on Sun morn. She was really late. She came about 11 or later. I wanted to go out. I didn't want to spend my whole fucking day in my room watching Biker girl sleep. I said I was going to to get my phone. So even without a good sleep, she decided to go with me into town. I got my phone and we did a lot of shopping which was fun. As soo as we got back to my place we went to sleep. I think we had sex sometime during the night or the next morning. We probably did. Its hard for for to sleep with her without wanting to stick my dick into her.

In the morning I asked when she might be free again. She said that night or Tuesday. So I had her come back Monday night. Tuesday night I spent watching "7 years in Tibet" with Brian, my buddy. The movie sucked, but Brian is fun to hang out with. I'll miss him when he leaves for the US, but what can I do? We are planning to go out this Friday all night in Roppongi to celebrate his birthday. He has taught me alot, and alot by example. I respect him for how he lives his life. He has self-dignity, but not arrogance.

<4/21>Last night, I played basketball. I was pretty rough, but I felt fresh. I worked out abit and was laying in bed thinking about how I had determined to be comfortable with my approach to Biker girl.She called, said she couldn't get any friends to go with her to the club she goes to every Wed. She wanted to come over. I said Ok and asked if she was hungry. She was, so I said I'd cook something. She came over about an hour later. I was really bushed. I had played basketball, worked ot a bit, ate, lost my briefcase in the train that night etc. She looked pretty yummy in that skin tight black pants and orange - strapped top. She took a shower, ate the spegett I made. We tried to go to sleep.

I couldn't. First she was sleeping. Second, and I didn't relize this at first, but I was kinda horny. Third my mind was filled with thought of "why the hell did she come over?", "did she want to see me?" etc. Also she mentioned Branfuck for the 3 or 4th straight time I've seen her. She told me how she went dancing with 3 of his friends. She says he is really "Kakkoi" meaning cool/cool looking.

Anyway, she was with me. And I was feeling like shit. I somehow came to the conclusion that if I jacked off on her or at least got my cum out, that I could go to sleep. I that is what I did. She rubbed my balls with her hand I a came on her chest. Then I fell asleep right after that. That was it and I felt better. In the morning though, I got horny again. I was feeling her all over. I wanted to fuck her. Not anybody else. I wanted to fuck her. felt she had gotten wet and asked if it was Ok to put it in. I had 30 min before I had to catch the train.

Somewhat surprisingly, after she mentioned if the time was OK, she said OK. So for a quick 5-10 we had sex. I felt much better.

The thing is, I have come to the conclusion that I like her - love her (some grey there) and I will keep that to myself. No need bowl her over with this info, I already think she knows how I feel about her in some ways. I get a hard on when I'm in bed with her. That has to count for something.

On the other hand I have alos resigned myself to the fact she will see other guys and may only think of me as entertainment. Since she is kind sometimes, nice to fuck,willing to fuck, and doesn't hurt me but just a little. I am comfortable with her. I think she must be Ok with me because we keep seeing each other. Which is nice. I like to be happy. That is the way I want to be. It is hard to consider she might not always be there. Its kind of scary. I guess I have to learn (and I think I am) to be happy with yourself, because if you rely on others and they can't be there, it could hurt. So you have to take care of yourself. You have to figure out ways to ensure your own happiness. So you will always be happy. When I'm older I want to look back be satisfied that I lived my life to the fullest. Was the best I could be. Respect myself and my accomplishments.

4/23

Well last night was interesting. Aftr work I went to Ueno to check to see if my lost briefcase was there. And there it was! With nothing missing! I went hope, ate. I went to 99 in Roppongi. I was having fun dancing, whcih that was the sole reason I went. Well, this girl showed some interest in me. I'll call her 4/22/99 Girl because I thought nothing else paticullarly stood out. She had nice lips though.

Anyway we danced, well I danced she just kind of jiggled. She is 19, slender, slightly taller than average. She was not the best looking girl at the club, but not bad either. We happened to be close to each other.

I thought things were going slow, but it turned out for the better. I was about to leave, said I had to work tomorrow. Was about to leave. Turned grabbed her. I asked her if she was going to stay all night. She said hse thought she had to. She said why didn't we stay there all night. I said I had to sleep. We kissed. It was a nice kiss - her lips and tongue worked real well, turned me on. So I popped the question in Japanese. You want to come home with me. She thought for one second - OK. And we left the club, went to the station, went to the river for 5 seconds, to my, room. About 5 minutues later we were in bed. 5 minutes later we were having sex. I had a hard on and was working, but couldn't get myself to cum. Fine I thought. She took a quick shower and we went to sleep. I woke up, I even forgot she was in bed with me. She didn't eat anything, She didn't want anything. I didn't cook anything. That was nice.

We had sex as soon as I woke up this morning. Then I came to work, and here I am writing about this. Reality. It seems like a dream. Did I really meet that girl last night. I didn't drink anything, I just had a coke. Did I take her home. I did. Did you have sex? Hell yeah. Was it warm and tight? Warm yes, a little tight.Could you get it all in. I think so. It filled up her space pretty good. Man I am sleepy now. I'll be going out with Brian for his B-day thing tonight. I havn't bought him anything. I called Biker girl last night and she said she would call Sat morn.Found a good web site about a guy trying to get a girlfriend plus advice he got

4/26

Well, I went with Brian and a friend of his to the Lexington Queen in Roppongi Friday night. We stayed out all night. We were having fun dancing, then I spotted this girl who was been grabbed and held onto by this scary non-Japanese Asian guy with a bad temper. Anyway I kind of got the sense she was unhappy and I basically took her away from the guy. She was cute and we danced and then began kissing. That Asain guy giving me trouble, but finally went away. The girl and I sat down and kept kissing and I went as far a grabbing her breasts. She had a childs face. Anyway, the place was about to close about 5, and I asked if she wanted to go home with me. We went as far as the station near where I live and she decided she wanted to go back. Maybe it was the better. But before that, I was supposed to meet with Biker girl that morning. She called me, and since I was taking this other girl home, I said I couldn't meet her that morning. I said I would call her later. She called me back and left a message she couldn't see me that day, but in kind of an upset way. She was, by the way, pretty drunk. Anyway I called her back and apologized. I knew I had forgooton the a important policy - make new friends, keep the old, one is silver, and the other is gold. So basically I had threw my date away with Bker girl for this new girl. Mistake, and I called Biker girl and left messages apologizing. Later, Biker and I were to meet that day, she called me and canceled. Then she said she would meet me Sunday, but said couldn't until late. It was a bit of a challenge to stay above it, not get upset, be happy, be myself, be understanding, not lose it - but eventually we got together in Shibuya and walked around. She showed me a nice bookstore at the top of Tower Records in Shibuya. I know she has good points and I like those goods points and thats why I think we can stay friends.I don't know what my good points are but I try to be myself, and I hope my good points will show. I be the best I can be, make my life how I want it and good things will show. If it works great, if it doesn't - don't be unhappy about it.Traits successful people have - Positive, Confident, Passionate.

We came back to my place, and had a nice discussion. Later I took off her clothes and had pretty nice sex. Then we had sex again in the morning.I think we are going to take a few days break from sex, because we wore ourselves out a bit.

The biggest thing really is that I felt much more relaxed and happy than I usually do after meeting her in Shibuya Sunday around 4. I was pretty in tune with myself. I wore a shirt that I made (using makers for drawing designes on clothes, I wrote "Big Red 1" on the back) in the morning, played frisbee with A-chan around 1- 2:30, and I felt good about how I looked. I felt I was wearing a style that was close to how I was feeling, but also kind of cool. So I was kind of playful, and not trying to act manly or smooth in any way, and in tune with myself and following how and what I wanted to do and be. I have to lower the sensitivity and not worry as much, but be contientious I am spending time with another human being. I think it is right to be considerate of the person you are with, but also important to have fun, be happy, enjoy yourself as well. Doing both without overexerting yourself and yet giving your all and doing your best is a challenge but probably a good thing.

Practice makes Perfect. Polite, Considerate, Intentional(?), are important to being a good man, but so is the man who can be himself and be happy, and be fun to be with as well. Right?

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