3/1

I called Biker girl last Thursday just before work ended. I told her I wanted to see her before her work started. We met at the Subway near Roppongi.

I told her I didn't want to invite her to my house anymore. I just wanted her to come over. (Air Supply music playing in the background). We talked about making a commitment - which I didn't ask about, but I think she thought I might I have been asking for. She said she has no confidence to promise me a commitment. I said I have no confidence in that either but I would like to try. (Why did I say that?) I guess I had a case of "getting sick of girl-hunting".

Anyway, I walked her to her job, didn't say anything really, and gave her a big smooch after I last saw her and walked off.

She must have felt something because she called me the next morning for no apparent reason. Which left me kind of screwed up in the head. Anyway, I didn't call back that day. She told me she would be coming over Saturday morning. But on Friday night before my friend Brian and I went to a club, we dropped in at her club and waved to her. And I gave her a big smooch. She came over Saturday morning. We cuddled etc. I let her sleep in my room for the next 5 -6 hours while I went to teach English. Then after I came back we ate spegetti. She told me she had Chlymidia which is a STD. That has caused the pain in her uterous, and she is taking medication for. That is why she says she can't have sex. She has been taking this medicine for some time, but she says she still hasn't gone back to the doctor to see if she has been cured. I decided because she gave me blowjobs (which can transmit Chlymidia) and after feeling some discomfort in my dick( which could be caused by not getting laid recently) that I should to go to a STD clinic in Shibuya.

Biker girl went out again Saturday night to a club. I didn't say anything, I was feeling tired, and I just wanted to sleep. We agreed I was going to make her Tacos Sunday night. Surprisingly she called me Sunday morning to come over. I said fine. She did and about noon went into town. The place I wanted to go to was closed she wnt off on her own. We got back together, shopped a bit, and went back to my place for sleep and Tacos. She talked about quiting her job whcih surprised me. I guess she felt her health was going down the tubes. (No pun intended).

Anyway, Saturday morning, we kind of a had a pretty serious discussion. She told me we still couldn't have sex. Additionally, said I shouldn't worry so much (nayamanakute ii), and that she had no business in my future (shorai to kankei nai). which made me feel like she is so smart and so right. I tried to be myself, show respect and love (in an honest way).And hoped things would work out. I felt trully exhausted Monday morning. I felt like I spent all my energy trying to make her feel good. I think basically because I was terrified that she wouldn't like me and leave me, so I tried to put that out of my mind and be myself. I think I have to come to the fact that I will be with myuself for the rest of my life but not her. I just tried to let her know that - I like to be with her, so please be with me. I tried to put my own happiness first, but it is hard. Because I don't want to lose the person if I don't stay on top of myself. I think I come across as selfish, talkative, childish, overbearing, on and on. So I feel I have to stay on top of myself. Maybe this is wrong.

3/3

Well, I have been trying to be honest with myself. I think I have to do that to be happy.

Christmas girl (At least I got some pussy on Christmas, I didn't get anything, but blue balls last year) called after she canceled yet another getb together. She first said she didn't want to let me down as it was her period and we couldn't have sex. (First time I ever heard that) Then she said that if we really wanted to be together that I would have to commit to her. Basically, I wouldn't. So I figured that was that. But she called later and said well we could go on as we had. I basically said if you want to get together again give me a call. But I wasn't going to make anymore dates. I think this was the forth time she canceled. Well at least I got to bone her twice.

I am recovering from the Chlymidia test I took on Monday. It hurt (period).Now I just have to be really careful, because you can get that that from Blow Jobs too. I don't care if a censor is reading this. Don't let LOOSE GIRLS give you a blow!!! Disease HURTS!!!! Tests HURT!!! I learned my lesson. Now I just have to live with myself.

I called Biker girl during lunch because I felt like it.(even though it may have sounded stupid)

I needed to write this - I think I know what makes a good friend. Being there for each other when they're needed.

3/4

I called Biker in the morning and during Lunch. I wanted to set a date or ask her when she was free. I don't want to be pushy. There is that song, if you love someone - set them free. I have been asking myself what is my true feelings. I want to have a relationship. But will it be a positive one or a negative one. I believe they can be more positive than negative.

Also I seem to be working alot harder than the girls I keep calling. That doesn't seem like a healthy or positive relationship either.

I will correct that. I will be happy on the inside.

3/5

I want to pat myself on the back. Yesterday was a good day. I achieved some goals. I stayed calm and in control of myself. I wanted have Inner Peace, I wanted to do the right thing, I wanted to be Honest with myself about what I wanted, I wanted to enjoy myself, I wanted to make Biker girl to feel comfortable to be with me. I wanted to make some changes to keep the relationship interesting, I wanted to so many things. -

I lived for the present, to enjoy the moments I was having with her right there and then. I was trying to be my best self. Fighting to bring out the best in me.Look my best, act my best, cook my best, touch my best etc, and remain somewhat comfortable.I think when I am fighting to be the best I can be in the here and now, I am the happiest. I expect further tests. But I will be me, and I will be happy.

3/10

Well last weekend was different. Biker girl came over Friday night. We were laying in the bed, cuddling, talking etc. I started a little foreplay, and she said "yaritai" which means "I want to do it". So even though I was diagnosed with Chlymidia, we did it, but I used a condom. I had told her that I had it, and its possible I got it from her since she had had it. So we both knew the situation. Since it had been awhile it was over in a few minutes. The next morning we did it again. I have been making her a lot of food recently.

She came over again Sunday morning after she went to the club. We went at it again as soon as she came over. Then we slept for a long time. it had been raining a lot this weekm and later we went shopping. I bought a cool hat with her help. Then we went home and cooked up some chinese marble tofu, which is was spicy but very good. Then we went at it again even with full stomachs. However this last time the condom slipped off. I hoped I didn't infect her. Nothing happened Monday morning. I decided I should control myself.

Monday I went to the Tax office and took care of that. I got 30,000 yen back. Which is less than I hoped for, but at least I didn't have to pay anymore. My city tax might be different though. Tuesday, I spent a few hours with Brian. Brian has been having trouble dealing with Japanese people. I feel sorry for him, he is getting homesick. On saturday night we rented a VCR and Beverly Hills Ninja with Chris Farley. That was funny.

Last night Biker girl came over about 2am after her work finished. Recently she has told me that she isn't going home with guys straight from the club. She told me she doesn't screw around with customers at her hostess club either. I have to believe her until proved otherwise.

I told her I haven't been with any girls but her for some time now. I am scared about getting diseases, but in my heart I know I still want to befriend and bone some cute sexy girls.Biker girl told me before she couldn't commit to me. But that gives me freedom to do what I want. So now I need to find the type of girl I want, get her and bone her - alot. I will be happy.

3/15

Well things are a changin'. I went out Thursday to a club in Roppongi. The best thing was I did more prospecting than usual, meaning I talked to more than one girl. I wore clothes that got me a bit more attention.And I met this cute girl who spoke English, nice face, with a great ass. Erixx. I first asked her to dance and she was Ok for it.We did a bit, and I asked her for a date. She said Ok and gave me her number. I called her, left a message. She called back the next night, we talked for a bit, and kind of made a date for tonight. But I was supposed to call her last night. I did twice but couldn't get through. So I'm am waiting for her to call back.

On Saturday night I met a girl named "Flower" in japanese. She was cute, relatively tall, and had a interesting style. Anyway I approached her and we talked a bit. I had a date with Biker to meet her at 11:30. I might of had a chance to tale Flower home for the night but I didn't want to break a date.I got her number and said I would call her.

All in all, I have been getting more shots at girls. All of the sudden this freaky girl I met about a month ago called me and said she wanted to see me so we arranged a meeting at my place for tomarrow night.

Biker girl and I overslept on Sunday morning, but she gave me a needed hj, went home around 3.

Brian and I played frisbee for a an hour and had a talked. He told me a story about (since Brian goes to church) Christ met a woman who had been through many relationships who was at a well. He told the woman I can show you a well where you will never go thirsty. Meaning by having a relationship with God she won't be lonely. I that is the problem with me. I want to strengthen my relationship with God. When I get lonely I think I do stupid things. So I want to strengthen my relationship with God. It seems like a take take situation. I don't want to bother God. I will talk with God and ask about what kind of relationship we can have.

Biker and I spent a nice evening at her apartment cuddling and watching TV. She told me she wants to see other guys, and I actaully felt better, it seems like it takes pressure off of me. But I still like her. We talked about going to Izu together next April. I hope we can still keep seeing each other regularly. In ways I can't explain so easily she is good to me,easy for me to be with, and I want to be good to her. I will keep trying to have a special relationship with her. Enjoy my time with her.

But I know she has needs and wants, and I have to understand those. Communication is important. Keep on keepin' on.

3/16

Last night I went to the Doctor. I told him I wanted one more weeks worth of the medicine. He said you have taken two weeks worth, and that I should be cured. He said come back later if I show the symptoms again. I hope this is all in my mind.

Anyway,it was pouring last night. I went home. Good news, Brian won't be moving to away, the apartment owner said he could stay. We celebrated by eating some food.I called Biker-girl, left a message that she could come over if she wanted. She called back said she would. Especially since it was raining I thought she might want to come.

She came over, and even though it was a few days after her period started, we went right at it. Basically I got the feeling after she took a shower and got in my bed, she was ready to go. She just seemed pretty energetic, rubbed my tummy, and she asked me "Are you sleepy" etc, I think that was her way of checking was I up for it or not.So I went after it, and she was Ok with it, so we did it. It was pretty good I think, but I don't remember that well. I asked her to deffinately come over Fri, before I go on my trip.

I wonder what she was thinking. It had been a while since I had seen that side of her. It was nice.I think it had something to do with the way I was being, not sure. I think I was nice to her in a cool way. So she might have appriciated that, or she was just horny, or both.

I was thinking about surprising her with a nice gift on Friday, but I'm still thinking about it.

3/19

Well, I went to a club last night. I was standing on some stair holding myself up by the overhead railing and this girl somes over and starts dancing next to me. I started dancing with her, on her, over her,all over her, and she seemed like she was having fun, kept smiling at me. We practically were having sex on those stair the way I was between her legs and ramming against her crotch like it was going in right above the crowd, of which some were whistling etc. I was feeling her ass and even fingered her for a bit, until she stopped and said, "I'm a lesbian!". I thought she was lying, I didn't care and kept fondling her. She says again "I'm a lesbian, do you know what that means?". I didn't say anything. "I like girls!" I said something stupid like "Oh that means you don't want to dance with me?" and we kept dancing a little longer than she walked off, after I wiped some sweat off her brow.

I was scamming homepages on the Internet at work and found this chick who said she liked sex. Well, that's what I like so I fired off an email. and she replied. I fired off another.I'll add the content of our conversation later.

I'm flying back to the US and then Mexico next week. So I write more when I get back. Plan to have fun! I will be happy.

3/29

Just back from a great vacation in the Carribean. I think one great thing I did was go scuba diving, because it taught me to "Keep my Head". You can't lose your head 35-50 feet under water, you have to remember the Golden Rule of Scuba Diving - Keep Breathing. I went windsurfing, snorkeling, shopping, painting, ate out, went to clubs, swimming, saw my family, played frisbee, I had alot of fun. I walked down the beach a couple of nights, thinking about biker girl and how I want to live my life. I was thinking about laying it on the line - telling her as soon as I came back that I wanted to screw her or something like that. I forgot to write what happened the Friday and Saturday before I left for my trip. We had agreed to meet that Friday night. I made her a really special dinner, special Itailian dinner with salad, French bread, super speget with special sauce I prepared using asparagas, chicken, mushrooms etc.Then I gave her a wrapped up white chocolate bar. She seemed pretty happy. I told her I wanted to see her in the future and hoped to visit Izu and Hawaii with her. THen we layed in bed and I gave her a massage. Then she told me she had gotten a really cool guy to be her boyfriend, which first almost made me laugh, I didn't know how to feel - happy or sad, angry or what.

Anyway I was looking at her with all her clothes off and said let's do it. She said something like OK then I went to work. But it was really amazing. It felt so real, the fact that here I was in reality, really going at it with her I was in a different kind of state. It was the best night of sex that I can remember. It lasted maybe about an hour or so before we both just got tired. Then a little later she caught the last train to go to a club, I stayed home and went to sleep. She wanted to see me the next day which she did. I tried to ask her more about her new boyfriend but she didn't want to talk about it.

She asked me to call her when I cam back from my trip. So even though I felt like I didn't want to get hurt by her, I called once I got back home last night. Later I called again and asked if she wanted to meet. She said ok and came over. I really didn't expect anything, I gave her a carpet and dress I bought in Mexico. But then we had sex twice that evening and then I woke up early this morning and we did it again. We talked about my trip and some recent things she done. We agreed that she would come over tonight too.

To read on read April Phook