6/1

Well the two people closest to me are gone for now. Biker girl left for Florida for a month and Brian went back to the states. I had called Biker girl last Friday at noon and arranged to meet in Roppongi at 7. I went there after work, got there early, called her and she said with a giggle she was in Yokohama and would be late. I had two thoughts.. I didn't want to wait for her in Roppongi, and if she didn't care enough to meet me on time etc, I would go home, so I said "kaeru" "I'm going home". So without feeling any regret or worries I went back into the station and started on my way home. I didn't know what Biker Girl planned to do, but I didn't want to wait for her in Roppongi, it would make me feel cheap. Like an older guy waiting for young girl so he can get laid. I would have felt bad. I'm glad I left. She called was I was in the train, I called back, "Did you still want dinner" I asked. She said yeah and said she would be over after she picked up her check in Roppongi. Later, as anyone might expect, she would discover that her bosses had gyped her our of most of her paycheck. The Yakuza. I thought about going to see her while she waited to talk to her boss, who seemed to be avoiding her. I decided not too. She gave up, and came to my place. I think I made dinner. I just remember that we had sex. Maybe again in the morning. Then we went into town,went to her house while she packed.My ex-boss called and reminded me that I was going to have dinner with him. I had to leave. But a strange thing happened, after I rushed to get ready and was about out the door, realizing that I may not see Biker Girl for some time...we kissed. Not like any kiss I remember. It was like this was it. Knowing that she had planned to party all night so she would be sleepy and sleep through the long plane ride to the states, I said well, look if you want to come to my place tonight, she could leave from my place in the morning. she said "iku" which means "I'll go", and after I finsihed my dinner with my boss she came over. We had sex again, as always I used a condom and didn't do anything oral. I figured orally something could get transferred so I avoided that. But the sex was good, with her on top. She left a good deal of juice on me, which was nice. We woke up early, I made breakfast and escorted her as far as I felt comfortable taking her. Later that day I stopped by Brian's place. He was packing. I went to the park messed around, Brian came out and we threw a nerf football around. He told me how he appriciated my help and being able to meet me. I told him how I was happy to hang out with him because of the high-quality person he was. He didn't have to do anything specific, just be the way he is. It was kind of sobering to have friends move away, but as I had said to Biker Girl the night before, if we are friends you don't have to feel bad, or scared of losing them. If they are friends you can always see them again and start being friends(just like you saw them the day before) no matter how much time has passed because you are friends.

I wrote cybergirl when asking me about what makes me happy...

Well making myself happy would make me happy. If that makes any sense. I don't know if "Love" itself makes me happy, but having people in my life I can count on, family and lifelong friends make me happy. I am working on being a "friend". What is a good friend, what do you do, how does it work, what are the benefits etc. I guess the friends I have had I called my "friends" because we hung out alot, doing the same kind of things. We liked each other's good qualities, tried to ignore or overcome the bad qualities, and have fun. Those were the days. Its hard to make friends here because I feel like they don't really like me because I'm me, but because I speak English, or I am cool to be with because I am foreign. I feel "lustful". Too bad you aren't within grabbing distance. You are 19 and already have had as many partners as me. Why? Why do people in general fuck like rabbits sometimes? I don't want to fuck like a rabbit. My "girl chasing" switch has been turned off. I can't get myself to want to go after girls.I don't want to chase tail. But I want to fuck a great girl. Well, maybe I finally got a little closer to figuring out what I want. See ya

6/3

I need to get laid. I need to go out a start meeting girls. I can't spend the rest of my life feeling low because of biker girl. I want to settle my conscious. I have to go out and get mine. As Tom Petty sings "Everybody's got to fight be free" "You don't have to live like a refugee"...that could mean to me, you don't have to run and hide. In some ways, that's what I felt like doing because I was mad at the world. People fucking without love. That pissed me off. But I also felt like I had to find myself. I havn't found myself yet, but I do know I have to take action. I feel like I need a something like Clinton's China policy..."A Policy of Engagement" the changes we want to see in China will only happen through engaging China not ignoring it. So if I want to improve myself, find myself, etc, I need to engage myself. One way to do that is go out and do things. Another way may be to pray, exercise, read, make friends, talk to girls, get laid etc etc.

6/7

I miss Biker girl.

I got an e-mail from her. She said she felt like shit, but seemed ok. I sent her an e-nail today. This weekend was interesting. I went to a club Friday night - nada nada. But I did see this one girl I met a while ago who's number I got and called. That was the only girl I talked to and that conversation lasted about a minute. Its not that I think I can't get any girls, but overwhelming interest didn't come over me. And the opportunities weren't there. Oh vell.

Saturday I went to my new friend D's BBQ. He is nice but maybe a little high-strung? Anyway he is from Canada and has a bit of an interesting accent and teaches English here. I met his friends at BBQ and they were nice too. There were some girls near the BBQ I talked too, and got a phone number from one with nice big knockers. I invited my friend A-chan to the BBQ, and D really thought she was cute and kind of went after her. That nice I spent the night with A-chan. We talked alot. It was interesting, A-chan is looking for a sex-friend. Someone who to have sex with, but not like boyfriend/girlfriend. I wrestled with the thought of going after her while we were sleeping together, but I felt better just the way it was - friends, maybe sex when I felt more into it.

I went to the beach Sunday. Man there was some fine ass and titty on that beach. But some ugly faces. Anyway, It was a beautiful day and I have been working out, so I took off my shirt and got a tan and showed some skin. That was fun. In the afternoon, I was thinking about going home but decided to stick around at the beach. I found a good place to skate board and did for a while. That was fun too. I was just skating around on my longboard having fun doing tricks and spins and stuff. I banged myself up falling etc. but still fun. Then I met these quirky Australian guys who just jumped out of a car. They were major party-skaters. they brought their own alchohol and were girl hunting. I was just sitting down drinking an Aquarius Neo when they came up to me and starting talking. I just then spotted Flower-Girl. Whoa, that was a surprise. I phoned her a couple of times recently, didn't get through, kind of thought she was ignoring my calls or something, and thought I would never see her again. She was with her friend and just walking to get a bite to eat. We talked, she was friendly. I think I was looking good or something because she stopped to talk a little. I let her go to go eat and they came back later. It was getting late, I walked with them, we got some fireworks, fired those off. I took them to their trasfer point on the train and went home. I tried not to think real seriously while we were together - just be myself, try to enjoy the day and being with friends. I did and it felt good. Came home, made food, went off to sleep with music playing.

This morning I woke up. I looked at my watch, I thought it must have stopped it was pointing at 3. I looked again at my alarm clock it was 8:58. I looked at my watch again it wasn't stopped at 3 it was 9 Am, Time to be a work ..ahh shit! I called my office said, I would be late and went to work. At work I suddenly got a call from Christmas Girl from Canada! She had gone to Canada and I thought I would never hear from her again. funny, she said she wanted to see me, and said she would come back to Japan in Jan 2000. She gave me her e-mail. That just added to the surprises recently. Anyway, I feel about Biker girl the way I feel...I wonder what the future will bring. I wonder what will happen when and if she comes back to Japan. I miss her.

6/9

Well I wasn't feeling too good yesterday. My hormones took over and I wanted to get laid. Even though I had been trying to reduce use of my credit card, I took out some money and got a bj at a place I knew.I took care of business. I felt more relaxed after that. I have to find some girls I can have sex with like "sex friends". I have to take care of my business one way or another.

On the other hand, this sounds like the same thing I got irritated with Biker Girl about. She was screwing lots of guys. Well now I see, she was taking care of her business. And I have to learn how to do the same. Biker girl has taught me alot just by being herself. I was trying to think what could I do to return the favor. I figured the best thing I can do is be myself and the best myself I can be. And one of those things is to "handle my business".

6/11

Biker girl sent me a nice email.

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