5/6

Just came back from a trip with Brian. It was my first real trip outside of the Tokyo area since my being in Japan. First I shaved my head on Saturday night. I was really upset because last Friday I went out to Roppongi, saw Biker girl by chance at a Internet cafe, and she said she was on a date with some guy. That part didn't bother me, but later in the club, I saw her with some big black guy. I imagined that she would be fucking him later that night. I guess it bugged me that I felt like I was just another guy. Nothing of value. I didn't see her Sat. I just went to the beach after teaching classes and felt a little crazy. I even spent 32,000 yen on a skateboard. I went home and soon went to sleep that Sat night after I shaved my head trying to make myself feel better.

She came over the next morning. The first thing we did is screw. as mad as seeing her with that black MARINE (I later found out), I still wanted to bang her. Then we parted that Sunday night and Brian and I got together and took the train to the Bus terminal at Tokyo Station.

We took an overnight bus from Tokyo to the historical city of Nara on May 2nd. On Monday, May 3rd we were in Nara, visted Kofukuji, Todaiji ( which has the largest statue of Buddha), Nigatsudo, and Kasuga Shrine. We then took a 1 hour train ride to Kyoto and found a small hotel.

In Kyoto that night we ate dinner and got a little drunk at a nice Itailian restaurant. We walked through downtown and across the Kamo river to the Pig & Wissle English pub and played darts. I won the last of 4 games. Then made our way back to the little hotel (more like a Traveling Foriegner Guest House, cheap 2300 yen room).

The next morning we took the bus to Kinkakuji (Golden Temple), Heian Jingu (Shrine), and Kiyomizudera (Temple). We tehn took the Hikari Shinkansen (Bullet Train) from Kyoto station to Nagoya. Where we met Brian's friends Which and Yuji. Which is really his name.

Anyway, we first went to a Public bath. It was nice but I still get a little wierded out by being naked with a bunch of guys.Then we went to Which's family's home where we got a great Korean style dinner. As Which's family is of Korean decent. His family was very kind and generous and I spoke with them quite a bit about our trip. We slept there on some nice futons.

In the morning, we drove through the city and went to Nagoya Castle. It was cool to see the city from the top. Then we got dropped off at the station and took the Nozomi (the fastest) shinkansen back to Tokyo. On the way we were treated to a spectacular view of Mt Fuji.

We arrived at Shin Yokohama, went home from there. On the way home I called Biker girl. she was free and she came over. I got quite horny and had her work me with her hand. Also she sucked me for a little bit. Then I took off her clothes and we had sex. It was pretty good. The sun was shining real well in the room and I could see her clearly. It was interesting.

later we went to near Shinjuku so she could buy some candles. I was kissing her alot, she seemed like she didn't like it. On the other hand she was acted pretty affectionate to me. Hmmmm?

5/10

Make something with your life that you are proud of and can respect youself for.

I went to Mt. Fuji with my friends Brian and George. We stayed in Senkyodo near the mountain Sat night, and planned to go up the mountain Sun. On Sat night, we met a group of young Japanese at the inn, and I got two girls phone numbers. I just sat near them and asked where they were from, the conversation really kicked off when Brian and george jumped in, and I was translating for our side and theirs. We talked baout everything including- the size complex Japanese have about there dicks, how girls felt about Japanese men's dicks, what really mattered to girls etc, it was all funny and interesting. I guess the girls said it wasn't the size that counted, but the man himself.

Later I got the girls phone numbers.

On Sunday our gang (Me, Brian, and George) went up the mountain from the 5th to 7 stage about 1000 meters. It was a tough climb but the weather was great and we got a exhilerating view. The best part was sliding down the on the snow going back down. We had a blast.

One nice thing is I have started talking with cybergirl again (by email). I was very happy that she wanted to keep conversing.

5/13

I am having trouble now. I feel very strongly that in the current situation I have to stop seeing Biker girl. 1) I am concerned about possible diseases as she has sex with many men and 2) trouble from any number of the guys she fucks with. As in she fucks with Marines etc., and I don't want trouble with any Marine who goes crazy if he falls in love with her. 3) To preserve self-respect - I can't stand myself fucking this girl who goes through lots of men like a knife through butter.I feel I should consider myself and my dick more respectable than to hang out with people who act in such a way.

Things I like about Biker Girl - She can be fun to be with. She is easy-going, fuckable, willing to try things, she sees me even though I have been stupid /wrong/etc/etc. I like those points, but the down-side (just mentioned)is really getting to me.I am scared about the next time she calls me. I want to say "busy", ignore her call,anything. I just want to be happy with myself. I don't want to hurt her or be hurt. Maybe - if I was fucking a bunch of girls etc like she is fucking alot of guys right now, I might feel different because there would be some balance, but I am not. Maybe I'm jealous.But I feel like concentrating on getting my shit together before seeing other people. Maybe then if she calls I should ask why - like does shee need a place to sleep, or something, or does she want to see me, or does she want someone to go out with? Otherwise, I explain I am trying to get my life figured out and make it the way I want it to be, so I need some time by myself.

Hopefully, I can figure out a way to make the best out the situation.

5/17

Well, last friday night - interestingly enough, Biker Girl called me. I was really questioning the relationship and she called me. I had noticed she tried to reach me that morning, but I didn't call back. She called me before she went to her job. She said she was just wondering how I was doing. I thought that was very nice. Then I went home and went to sleep. Then on Saturday morning she called. (She said she didn't call on purpose, which I found to be wierd) but as destiny had it, we got in contact and she came over. We talked. I tried to be myself and a friend. We had sex. It was wierd because I was in overdrive and I was screwing and screwing and didn't stop. I could have slept with my dick inside of her. Anyway, we finally did stop and I went to my part-time job.Then she asked me to call her after work. I did and we got together in Shibuya, we started walking around and then she asked if I would go to the club with her. So we walked to the Chiyoda line station and went to Roppongi. We ate subway, and then went into the club about 9:30,10:00. It was strange, there weren't many people dancing. I watched her dance, I didn't feel like dancing in front of everyone with her so I didn't. Now that I think about it, she seemed to know everyone there, and as I didn't want to consider myself "the next guy" I just sat and watched her. I finally sttod up and danced on my own, but she was dancing around on her own (getting some attention). Then some guy she knew grabbed her and they started talking, I just kind of got sick (kind of the same feeling as before) and rubbed my temples. She came back over, said it was a friend of hers, but I had already assumed that. (Later she told me that she said she has had sex with a more than half of the guy friends she has, this alone is a good reason to stop having sex with her).Anyway, she got me away from the dance floor and said "what's wrong?", i said "I was a little tired" and said "I think I'm going to go home?" she walked me part way and said "mind if I call you tomorrow morning". I said Ok and she came over the next morning. Earlier than before. Anyway, she came over slept for a long while. After waking up I asked her to give me a bj. Which she did. I made her some food and gave her a massage. My friend was going to have a food party so I accompanied her to the station, she would go home. I was rifing my skateboard, after she bought some coffee and came out of the store, I grabbed her and flipped over my back with my head between her legs. She could have hit the pavement, but fortunately I held on to her. I was just having fun, but it got out of hand. She seemed a bit upset so I apologized. I called her later and apologized some more leaving 2 messages. The reason I apologized was because what I did was plain stupid and not thought out, and because I would like to stay friends. I don't know about sex or anything else, but I think its best if we can be friends. She seemed still a little upset when I called her after the party but I tried to let her know I'll be careful. She got email recently. She sent me a nice note last Friday:

I got watch. and I am trying hotmail now. I wouder if it can sent to you.It make me happy. Please give me to back your sweet mail. I am waiting anytime. Take care. from _______ .

5/18

Well, last night was a surprise. I got a call from Biker girl on the way home. she said she would come over that night if she could catch the train. She said she was asleep when I called Sun night, didn't remember. I went home and crashed. She came over about 12. I was glad to see her. I made her some rice and eggs, gave her a good deep massage. We talked. She mentioned this guy named Bxxxxxx. She had shown me his picture before. This is the guy she called her boyfriend a few months back. She had told me before that she and him had not talked in a while, but I guess she is close with his friends etc. Sound strange? She said he called her and she saw him a few days ago or so. I asked what does he do, she said he was a English teacher, and with a little devilish smile - that he was "dealer". Oh shit - drugs. That knocked me for a loop. As soon as she said that I told her if I got connected with any of that shit I could be thrown out of Japan even though I had worked hard to learn Japanese, and would lose access to come back. With a something like drugs I think the Japanese Goverment would think quite a bit before aloowing me to stay. As soon as I said that she said "so that means an end to the relationship", and I was thinking to myself - hell yeah it does. She can be so sweet - like the email above, but backhand my brain with stuff like this. She said it was the risk of playing around in Tokyo. FUCK THAT - I don't want anything to do with drugs now or ever.This is just all too much, I don't feel like I signed up for this when I got into this relationship. We can be friends (in a beneficial way) - but I don't want to even get close to that crap and ruin my life. So now I have to make a stand.

We slept together and I licked and grabbed everypart of her and she gave me some good feel. But I didn't stick it in her mouth nor did I put it in her. I felt those are the most likely ways of contracting something awful. I know that you should live for today etc, but I want to have some standards for my life. Like I try to take care of it, not use it as a testing center for drugs or a meat for a STD to spawn in.

The good thing is I had enough will power to stand up for my standards, and she also accepted it. She may not even care, but she accepted it. It will be a test for me to keep the relationship going without sex. She seems like she will be just fine as she can get sex anytime. I have given up massage parlors and soap lands, I gave up chasing girls, now I'm giving up sex with Biker Girl. Well I guess I havn't gave up contacting girls. I made plans to see A-chan this Sat night, and have plans to meet this girl I met answering a classified ad on Thursday. So I'm trying to be flexible. It was just the stagering number of guys, type of guys, and risks I saw which told me to restrain my relationship with Biker girl. I talk like its over or finished. I don't think so, but it has changed as of this weekend - at least in my mind. As Biker girl said "You're (me) getting serious" I want to be flexible, but I also want to have standards for my life.

5/24

Well, I made somewhat of a stand this weekend. This did not feel like my best week, actually I don't know what to think of it. It could turn out good or bad. First I had a blind date last Thursday. About a month or so ago, for the first time, answered a personal ad. It was in the Tokyo Classifieds. The girl sadid she was 20, cute, like movies etc, no playboys etc., I thought well if she's cute and nice, I would like to try, maybe I could have a new friend. So I sent an email.. got a reply, exchanged emails about 3 or 4 times over the next few weeks. I had kind of asked about going out in one email, didn't get a response so kind of gave up. Then A-chan recommended I try to ask out, so I sent a email just about going out. The girl replied OK.

I told Cybergirl (who I've never met) in an email about my date - this kind of sums it up.

Today is a beautiful day outside. Yesterday, I had a blind date for the first time in my life. Basically, it sucked. I answered an ad in the Tokyo Classified. We exchanged a few e-mails (like 3) and I finally asked if she would like to meet. We met last night in Ebisu. Ebisu was very nice, its clean, quiet, up-scale part of town with very nice new tall buildings and lights and nice restaurants. She knew the place better than I and we went to a Mexican Restaurant. Unfortunately, she wasn't what I had in mind in a girl. I treated her at the restaurant (4000 yen) talked and walked around, then said goodbye. The end.

I didn't think she was very attractive, but on top of that - I couldn't handle her personality. She just didn't interest me.

The blind date - well her looks bothered me. Sometimes I can see past unattractive features. In this case she just looked - plain. And not very interesting or original. She liked Psychology, which could be interesting, but she couldn't make much conversation out of it. I tried to ask her about it - it just wasn't happening. I have had ugly friends, they were fun and interesting.

But I did get horny. I don't know why exactly, but after the date I got horny and sadly lost my mind. Maybe because my hopes were smashed. SO I went to Gotanda to have my dick sucked by a professional. But worse, the place I went to was packed, so I went to more expense place which cost me \15,000! and all I could get was hj.That was truly a pathetic and depressing experience. And that was Thursday night.

Friday- went home. Biker girl called, asked if I was going to Roppongi, as I had gotten hurt going with her before, I basicall said "no". She said she might come to my place after work on the last train. She didn't. I called her in the morning to see what was up, no answer. She called me about 4 on Sat and said she worked (hostess) till 3 in the morning. I had already told her I had plans for sat night (with A-chan) so we didn't talk about meeting. But we agreed she would come over Sunday night. Then I went to Yoyogi Park and saw the skateboard guys for a few hours, that was different. Satudrday night I fell asleep,so when A-chan called we canceled. The next day (Sun) I went to a party in the afternoon, spent time with students who live in the same building as I, played football had a good time. I saw Biker girl that night as planned, I made a good Spegetti Dinner. We had sex. Later that night I told her having sex with her was scarring me, as like always she told me another story of some guy she screwed who had a wife and kid. I felt bad for the kid, I said I didn't think that is right. She said its none of her business to worry about that guy's kid. Its not my job to judge, but I went ahead and said I thought that was wrong, but it is her business - that relationship anyway.

That may have broke the camel's back with me. I took a walk outside, asked god for guidance, went back in the room and told her that I didn't think I could have sex with her anymore due my fear of getting a disease. I also said her hanging out with other guys bugged me.I asked her if she thought I could be the only one, she said "jishin ga nai" which means she didn't have the confidence to do that. I wasn't paticularly the most charming cool guy over this period. I made her cry. she started crying but didn't say why. In her mind, I think she assumed this was the end. She wasn't going to let anyone tell her what to do or run her life. I said can we make a compromise....she said she didn't know. Etc etc. It was not pleasant exchange. I tried to tell her I was willing to be flexible, compromise, and that I wouldn't give up. On the other hand I couldn't come up with a concrete thing about what I wanted, but I knew what I didn't want which was to be with a girl who constantly plays around and doesn't want me in any way more than just friends. So why do I feel like I screwed up that I was wrong. I don't know. I am willing to be flexible with her, but I don't want to be Fuck Number: 2005612. But later I felt like I would be Biker Girl Failed Relationship Number:505. With my name and face on a appliation form with a big rubber stamp slamming on it - Failed.

I feel like shit. On the other hand, it might of been something that had to be done. I hate to lose her, but I couldn't handle the way it was before. It really hit/hurt me when I said, after I had already started saying my problems, that maybe it was better before, and she said no. I feel hurt and so shitty I can't express in words. Right now, I am shit.

Right now, all I have is myself,hope and God.

Maybe that is all I need?

5/25

That last Monday morning, when Biker girl said she may not want to see me again for what reason I was not sure, I told her I hoped we could make a compromise, that I would always be a friend, and that I wouldn't give up, and I asked her not to give up. After a few days to think about it, discuss it with cybersex girl, look at old entries in this ledger etc, I feel like not compromising, letting go forever,giving up, and could care less about her giving up or not. I feel worn out. ANyway, one of the wierd things that happened Sunday night when she came over and were having sex, the minute I put my Dxxk in her and I was going back and forth, i felt this pain. It hurt, like there was a piece of glass in there or something (That's how I really felt!). I tried a different position but it still hurt. I took it out, asked her how she wanted it, and she wanted it face to face - so I started and it still hurt, not terribly, but the pain was there. Just as soon as I was going to fire away I took it out - whipped off the condom and stuck my dxxk in her mouth and kept cumming. That part felt great. she didn't swollow. Later, we were laying there and she said something like - sometimes she really really liked me and sometimes she thought I was so-so. At the time I was like "oh", but now I think "fxxk you bxtxh". Then later I had a thought of her sucking me when I was still soft, working it to full hxxd-on. So I asked her to put it in her mouth and suck. She put it in her mouth, but then I had the worst sharp pain on the side of dxxk-hxad. "Ouch!" I cried and pulled it out. My wiener had become ultra-sensitive. I thought I had got Clymidia again, and maybe I do, but the doctor told me before it was my nerves. Anyway, I told Biker girl later I would call her later and tell her if I gotten something she should be aware of. Well, then that night while we were sleeping the pain woke me up and a terrible fear came over me. A fear that I have or could contract some painful terrible disease. I wasn't breathing well , I felt bad, I said I wanted to go for walk - would she come with, I wanted to talk. She said no. I went outside - I felt like in panic mode, but I felt more determined, I wanted the pain to stop. I may have been thinking of the physical pain but I think I wanted to include the mental anguish. I looked to the sky - asked God for Guidance. I was considering thinking it over before I did something brash, but I thought no one would be upset at me for doing what I thought I wanted to do. That doing what I really wanted to do would might not be so terrible. So I went in the room, she was still pretty much sleeping. I kind of woke her up and said could she forgive me for not having sex with her anymore. I also said I think that having her sleep at my place would be difficult in the future. I said these things and tears came out her eyes. I asked her why - she said she didn't know. I said I'm sorry and held her tight.

Then I started backtracking and trying to come up with other ideas - how about if she used her hand, not her mouth or vagina? No response. Could I be the only one? She said "Jishin ga nai" meaning she didn't have the confidence to do that.Could we have some kind of compromise? "I don't know" she said. In the morning I said if she wanted to, she could come over that night or tuesday night. I hoped we might be able to talk or make some compromises. I saw something in her - I said "You don't want to meet anymore" she looked at me upset, She "didn't know" but I could see some upset emotions in that response. I kind of took it as a "not really after this".She said something to the effect this was not all my decision to make etc. We walked to the station I was still feeling quite stupid and quite like a typical whimpy white business scummy no moral salaryman guy. I tried to be make some determinations, what I could do. In the end, as we walked place where we usually said farewell - I said "Don't think too much" in a kind of loud crummy voice. Then something else I can't remember. Then as she turned to go, I grabbed her arm and said "wait a second" there was one more thing I wanted to say. I said "I won't give up". Then let her go and she went up the escalator and I went towards the opposite one. Trains going in both directions just happened to come at the same time as I got to the top of the escalator, I saw her walk across the platform, she had put on her sunglasses( made her look like a movie star) and entered the train without a look or anything. It was beautiful, like a beautiful ending to a painful story. I was in pain then, but feel much better now.

On top of that, it started rain about the time I got to work and rained that whole day.

As I said earlier I talked with cybersex girl and gave this some thought and I feel much better. It may not be over, but the relationship has CHANGED! Oh yeah, I feel much better. I felt like I have been selling myself short all this time and now its time to get back to being me without pain. Even my dick feels better now.

Funny, she called me last night and the first thing she said was "Asoko wa dou?" basically meaning "how's your dick doing" I said I felt some strange feelings, and couldn't use it right now." she seemed upset. She goes "Wakatta", "Ok". I had the thought on my mind - try never to give up on anybody, Maybe this can be worked out etc. I asked her about the money trouble she told me about last week. If it had gotten straighted out. She basically said not yet. I said thanks for calling. I didn't ask her to come over, nor did she ask. She said she would call me again before going to the US for a while. At first I felt like I did the right thing. Now I am starting to understand my real thinking - don't need this "make a relationship" shit! If its not working, why go through the pain of trying to make it "work"? Why try to make a old jolopy run like a porsche. If you want to drive fast, buy a porsche. If you like old cars, get that old jolopy, but don't expect it to run like a porsche. So that's my problem, I tried to make Biker girl "run" like I wanted her to "run", but she isn't or wasn't designed for what I want now. She was when we met, but not now. I wanted fast, wild, easy and she was, we flowed like water in those days. Last Monday I wanted some commitment. She has said again and again she didn't want that or didn't have confidence to do that. Ok, I have to live with that or move on. Well today, I don't want commitment either. But I don't want to be fuck anybody without some. So NO FUCKING for me for a while. Bye.

Old Persian saying - "He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Avoid him. . . ."
"He who knows and knows that he knows is a wise man. Follow him."

I know that I have changed, and I know what I don't want (not be one of many, or get a sex disease), but I don't know what's next.

5/27

Biker girl sent me an e-mail...

Hi.
I have to say sorry at first.Because I don't know how to change to Japanses .
And I want to say about me.
I don't want to be going to come to end.
Now I can say nothing to you. I don't know what to say .
Please tell me what shoud i do and say. I like you but I can't change my lifestyle. If I like you and want to change my life, I'llbe naturally change. If you can't acknowledge me, I'll be able todo nothing. I like you so I want tou.
It is natural thing.And I need you. I want to stay close to you. But I have not changed my lifestyle yet.
How do you think? It is my way.Please I want you to understand me.

I thought for about an hour over my response and sent this...

Thanks for your mail. I am sorry too. Its hard for me to say what's on my mind. I think we don't have a balance. You have many partners and many friends and I don't want that many and I don't feel very good. Tell me what you need and I will do what I can.

Yeah, let me talk about something BESIDES these relationships. BASKETBALL!!! I think it might the one thing I truly love. I like to watch NBA, read stories on the Internet, etc. But there is nothing like playing. I love to shoot, score, defend, steal the ball. Maybe because it is an all around balanced game. Each player is part of the offense and defense,the team and individual roles are important it all boils down to the score at the end, and is fun and intense. I love it! I usually go to a Sports center and play once a week. I am one of the better players there, and at least I am a hound on defense, but I get plenty of opportunities to shoot as well.

I hurt this guy last night. He bugged me with in rough play. I think he wanted me to respect him or something. Never. Finally he got what I thought he deserved. Hurt. I jumped for a rebound and land on his leg, not intentional, but I didn't avoid contact either. He yelped as he went down on all fours (he always is yelping about any contact rough or not) and I just kept playing, ignoring him. He stayed down. I was not unhappy.

I love to block shots. I need to do a better job blocking as to put it in our teams hands, but letting the opponent know they will get no free-bies (all shots will be challenged) is good as well. Yeah! I had fun last night!!!!!!!!!!!

"The opposite of love is not hate"
"The opposite of love is indifference" Bill Russell, Basketball Player

5/28

Well I got a reply from Biker Girl, basically - I'm confused, can we meet, please call me. I did. I had plans to play basketball, and that is what I wanted to do. So we talked. I tried to explain the way I was feeling - sick about how I was one of many, and scared about getting a disease. But she just kind of acted like - so what. She said she liked me (the most), but wanted to screw other guys. Which surprised me and kind of pissed me off, but on the other hand, I want to fuck other girls. So we went our seperate ways for the night and I said I would call the next day. I went to basketball and she went to wherever. I slept, I havn't been eating well lately.

Today I went to work. I looked at my book "Don't sweat the small stuff" on the train on the way. The first section after 1. Don't sweat the small stuff is 2. Learn to live with imperfection. So as I was going over many things in my mind such as...,
Need to get real - be friends without sticking it in her mouth or vagina
Just say its over - see what happens

Use a condom and don't stick it in her mouth
have hope, be positive
is she teaching me something about life, or am I just being stupid and used?
etc, etc.. I came to one conclusion. I was pushing her. This I can say for sure. I was pushing her for commitment, like I was holding a gun to her. I may or may not have been wrong, but that's what I have been doing. She has to give commitment - I can't make her give it to me. I asked (Could I be the only one) and she said no. I pushed without understanding what I was doing. I pushed and she didn't budge. So now its back to the drawing board. I guess the best way for me, may be to just work hard after what I want. I like other people, but I need to go along on my way. I don't know what kind of girl is right for me. I don't think its A-chan, I don't think its Biker girl, I don't think its H. Maybe she is waiting for me in the future after I grow up a little more. I hate to lose the people I know and care for. Why does it have to be this way? If you want commitment at one level, you have to sacrifice on another. I mean - if I was to stick to one girl, that means I have to sacrifice the others. Is that so? So if I ask a girl to commit to me, its like asking her to sacrifice other guys. Is that so? Yuck - I don't want to ask anybody to have to sacrifice for me. I would want them to do it out of their own free will. I will stop asking for commitment. But I still have to stand up for myself. I have to define my standards, and live by them. I have to know - how low will I go and where do I want to be. Well I want to experiment, but I don't want to experiment like Biker Girl. So I need I need to find the right balance for me. What can I do?

CHILL THE FUCK OUT First, I think too much. I have too much time on my hands at work.
You KNOW You Need to Chill When...

2 June