Okay, this is going to be where I blow off steam and rant about my feelings and thoughs. I will put up my poems, strories, ideas,
and just basically whatever. Like a diary or journal...Sort of....
November 9, 2000.So here we are, true superstars. Right Billy? What is going on? All this jumbled mess in our minds, in my mind. What is going to happen? Same old boring question with the same nothing answer. I just feel all this negativity.. Things in life that you can not back out of successfully. It gets to be overwhelming. What are you to do when someone comes up to you and proceeds to tell you how much they hate you and all the reasons why? What do you do when friends keeping saying you are a jerk? What do you say when you are accused of something you didn't do? What do you do when life is here and you don't want to live it? How far can I run? How far can I flee from it all? Not confrontational huh? Well ya there you go, I am running standing still. We all want to be a part of something? Or do we? I can only speak for myself I guess. I want to do something that effects others, where people will like what they hear, see or read.. But I can't even pull myself out of who I am. Oh you are right there boy. Oh am I? Well I would sure like to meet myself then. Is this therapy? Well let these words be my prescription then. What do you do when do just do not want to fight? When you don't care enough for it to ever matter?.. There are so many other problems facing this world and other people it makes my life seem so insignificant. So I even matter to anyone? How many adjectives can other people think about me? How many can I come up with that I feel about myself, or that I think others are thinking? Listen to me and my lame little rant.. Listen to me and my wanting of your attention. Pat me on the head and say I am a good boy. Tell my you like me, tell my you love me, tell me you will never ever leave me or ever lie to me, or ever cheat on me.. Tell me tell me.. I have more but it won't let me put it on here.. so whatever for now.
Aug 29, 2000. So I could have a million rants on here by now. But alas I will just have this one. I could talk about how Generation Gaps and Misunderstanding cause many problems and how Communication is a wonderful thing to solve said problems but how that won't happen. Or how when we stayed up all night (see rant below), and we missed class by 15 mins and we were treated like idiots by some fat guy that wouldn't take the time to listen because we were younger. Are there ever events in your life that happen that make you stop and think, "What is going on? What is the real meaning of things? What REALLY matters?".. Well a friend called I haven't talked to in awhile and it just stuck me wrong. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to say really. It was sad in a way. It just makes the world stop for me. I don't know why, that is why I need to Rant off about it I guess. No one else here to talk to. meow? Oh Robin, but he doesn't talk back much. When we get old and we reflect on our lives, what will we see? What will matter to us? What will we remember as important and what will we forget? Who will still be our friends? Will we have any? Will they all be gone? I don't know where this is going, just some ideas. Here I set on the diving board of life getting ready to jump off into the sea of reality. What will happen when I dive in? I hope nothing too drastic. Sometimes different is so good it is necessary. Other times normal, plain and boring are your best friends. Okay I think I should stop I am starting to think too highly of my writing skills. HA!! Um.. I guess that is it really. Don't be afraid of doing something in your life that you always wanted to do. I mean this is YOUR life and you only have one. Put in all the warnings here, but you know what I mean. Later.
July 24, 2000. Okay I haven't done this in awhile so I think I will. It is 3:22 am. I am not doing this for fun. I am in Alaska and we start working a 12 hr shift tomorrow. And ya, it is at Night. So we need to stay up tonight to sleep in the day so we can make it at the new job. Oh boy! Fun, right? Well we will see. The first two days have been nice, but we are going to be doing something different. So we will see what happens. I don't know if I have anything to rant about right now. I mean I have had pleanty of things to go off on, but I never am on here at the right time to do it. What about how our reality is set up? That is a nice fakey deep topic. Okay, without sounding to nutty (it is late mind you!), what are we here for? Are we here to work our entire lives? Are we here to goof off all the time? Are we here to be religious all the time? Are we here to slave our lives away and then die unfullfilled? I don't know, I am just asking here.?. Some say they have the answers, others think they will always know the right one and never listen to others. Why are we so, "US"? WOW we are getting profound now! Okay that is something that bothers me. Expressing yourself. "We need more people to speak their minds!" "No we don't, you are stupid." Making jokes of everything. Someone will be trying to express themselves and someone makes fun of them. Is everything a joke? Is nothing a joke? There are so many things in life that you have to take into factor in order to live. I mean you just can't live. You have to take in religion, friends, money, jobs, bills, kids, death, sickness, and ect.. I mean there are things that aren't bad. There are LOTS of things that aren't bad. But can't you see that there are also many things that distract and dispare. Hey like I have said, if I misspell things that it TOUGH! Git yor own page! Yes I meant to spell it yor, but Git is fine. LuxuriaMusic.com Different. I am loosing it. Well I guess that is it cause I can't concentrate. I will talk to this screen later. BYE.
May 3, 2000. SO hey hey hey. How are you? Oh I am fine, since I am the only one that READS THIS! Anyways. Today was the last day of the semester and finals are Friday and Next week. That is cool. But this is the rant page so Hang on..Relationships. What are they? How do they really exist? Do they really exist? I just don't think I am very capable of having one. I mean I do have some, but I realize while I am in them and when I do things that I am not really who I am. And who am I really? Every moment changing. I really don't think I like what I have become. I wonder how could I be If I wanted to change? Really what is the core of yourself? Blah blah blah. WHo cares. WHy do things have to happen like they do? good or bad. I mean, why some good, why some bad? Okay.. that is enough. I am making MYself sick.. ha..Bye.
January 25, 2000. Well no one reads this garbage so I will write what I want again. I have said this before and I will say it again. You should never trust anyone. What happens when someone betrays that trust? What do you do then? How do you forgive? How do you say, "Oh that's okay for having a laugh at my expense. That's okay for not caring how I feel or felt. That's okay that you think I am being mean now for reacting to your actions." Things just get so messed up but yet can be so simple at the same time. If you control how you feel and what you feel about, things in theory could or can be easy. Just don't care, or care until the time and drop it. Am I saying this is the right thing? No. I am saying this is how I feel sometimes. In my opinion it is good to be able to drop friendships at the drop of a dime. If you can't you will just get hurt worse. Emotions and garbage just gets in the way. Why should someone care so much just to be let down? Just to be mad fun of? Just to have their emotions toyed with and played with? Is it a game to you? Is it fun to not care? Don't get me involved then. Leave me out of your emotional juggling act. Hey tonight's entertainment comes from you and your emotions. It is hard enough to find someone you care about. Then when that person 1)does not care about you and 2)toys with you and 3)says they don't care, but maybe they really do it gets messed up. Let's entice someone in and then get them to talk then trick them and hurt them. ANd you know what? Who really cares.?. Get lost. Take the games somewhere else. Bye.
December 28, 1999. This is the first time I think I am ranting right after an incident where I wanted to rant. I don't know what I am about to say so this is ranting at its best. Man I am upset. People will always let you down. Me included. Everyone. Every stinking person on this planet will let you down. You can not trust anyone. You can not depend on someone or rely on them. You can give and give and give and still. What do you have? Nothing. Nothing. People will always see it their way, and you will always be thrown out. You will never be understood completely. Are you always the same? How does a person change? leave me alone and let me be me. let me deal with things how I deal. Fine be mad at me. you will never read this. You will never care. Why does it matter anyways? Nothing is going to change in your little perfect world. Simpleness and plain ugly rejection. Rejected again. Pressed to the wall again. You are being feed information from someone else. It is not you. How can you change and say you are the same? How can we see ourself outside of ourselves? Just go back and forget me. Does anyone read this stuff? No one does something without something in return. Do they? Well you are so much better than me then. Okay enough of this. It is too revealing and no one cares enough to read or give a care anyways.
December 27, 1999. Well how was everyone's Christmas? Get what you wanted? Well I had a good one. Things went basically fine. I made it to Chicago and back to see The Smashing Pumpkins AGAIN!! It was an awesome show! I got Jimmy Chamberlin's Autograph! The drummer! But it was SOO cold. I can't wait for the new album. It is going to be great. I ended up sleeping in my car on the way home. I hate the prices for Hotels and Motels. What a RIP OFF! So I slept in the car. You know, you always think you are a few feet closer to figuring people out, and then bam..You get knocked back a million steps. It always seemed that growing up I figured adults would have everything together. That problems and the such would be reduced. ha. What a joke. Craziness does not care how old you are. No one is mature, no one can say they know more than others. Everyone has the potential to be crazy. And most of the time we all are a little. YOu think you have heard it all, and man.. You haven't. I wrote some things at work a while back. Here they are..
Relax and hold my hand as I stand beside you, reality seems to escape me as the hours fly by. I wake up Monday and go to Sleep Saturday. When was I 5? Why am I 40? Reality: Defy it, deny it, realize it. Escaping not knowing is real. Help me understand, help me slow the fading time while keeping my sanity. What do you believe in? Do you believe it everyday? Help me find the way, she says you will make it, she believes in me, she really cares, she really cares, cares -cares….. Why shouldn't I love her? Why can't we do what we want to do in life? Explore, amaze, admire, realize the dates are not set. Finally a way to be free. Frerrrrrrr.. Amaze the amazing me. Revive a presence that a happy man I can be. Finally a friend few fellows faintly fear. Words on a page make kids see the day. Nelson, Doucette, customers of mine, made to see the ways of Work. Red dogs for free, where's the cats? Cooper, Beigh…Keeps the demons at bay. Relax and fear, I hate the day, embrace the night. Robinette (female Robin), and the snow is falling down, gray clouds are all around. Blood drips slowly from my hand staining the white with red. Hot Red in the Moonlight.
Forgotten memories of RAWK and trippy guitars. Someday I will be a star. No one knows just how I feel, ride on my friend, ride on, looking up at heroes, thank you for it all. It's sad to see you go, its fun to Rock and Roll. My eye is bothering me, worries me, am I getting old now? Am I disengaging my reality? We need to practice, we need to record, release a record and tour the World. Someone help me. Wait until I get my new teeth. Free love, come get some. Will you stay with me while I fall? Will you be my Sunshine while I crawl? You're starting to bother me in all your blond brilliance. I am not impressed, Do you live here, do you want some fun? I walk, I'll run, HA HA the jokes on you, who's loving who? I just want fun now, I just want you now. Believe behave, disregard myself. Relax and breath I can deceive. Breath in and stay with me now, tension builds like a freight train bound for a mountain. I don't know how to stop the feelings I have, pleasure is a treasure we all need to have, Stop now and play with me. Rock loud and say release. I know I need to have a better way about me. Some say hello, some say HI, I need friends to make me cry. Fire around me fire below me, that is how it will stay if I don't change. Release and fly I need Angels to make me Cry. Soft and tender I see a face, Indian girls will comfort you. How can someone be betrayed by a dream? We need to scream in order to be free. Kami Creamer. Crazy unplugged fun, I see the sun, I need a way to design a dream. Candy coated Lullabies, you're my temporary Angel. Beautiful till the end, I will always remember paintings you made upon the wall. You're my temporary angel, I shall never have you. You are a dream I can not have. Living the American dream, you know if you gave into everything in Society you wouldn't be you. How do we know who we really are? Tired of this, tired of me, make something different and they will obey. Do I know you? Nelson.
December 17, 1999. I am done with school this semester and I am through with work until Jan 10. I am going to see The Smashing Pumpkins on the 21 of Dec. at the Metro in Chicago. It is going to be amazing. 7th time to see Billy. 6th as The Smashing Pumpkins. Well..These last few days have been strange for reasons only I know. But alas, time will go on. I saw some good movies. I saw Sleepy Hollow that was cool, And Toy Story 2. That was VERY good. OH, I saw the new crap Bond movie. And I do me crap. Yucky. I have started making soap, well I haven't gotten past the rendering fat yet. I have done that, now I just need to mix the lye and water with it. Ya, I have seen Fight Club one to many times. I know. OH blah blah. I could write stuff but no one reads this. SO I will copy a rant thing I wrote one night at work to pass the time. Here it is. (WARNING THIS IS KIND OF..UM..DIFFERENT? DON'T THINK TOO MUCH ABOUT IT. IT IS FOR THOUGHT PROVOKING, THAT IS ALL.)
YOu can sit there in your comfortable comfort routine lives as long as you like, or you can get out and live. Make a change, start something. We are robots of society playing roles already assigned to us. We can change this, we CAN get out. We can become who we want to be. Do you like where you are? Fine, stay there and die. Blink of an eye and everyday looks/looked like all the rest and then bam..you're gone. Who remembers you? Probably no one after a few weeks..? Are you fine with your meaningless exsistance? Fine. Earth to earth, dust to dust, and so shall you be. Afraid? Of what? Scared? Why? You don't have long to live, be free. Don't let items control you. YOu be in charge. Don't become a brainless "let society think for me" disciple. Buy this food, jump on this bandwagon. Release yourself. True understanding comes when you start to live, when you challenge the rules, challenge the challengers. Do new things, not preplanned things. Who really is in charge here? What are we really doing here? What do we hope to be? WHo really cares what you do? Do you realize how insignificant you are and how significant you could and can be? What events could you do to change the world? Today you will realize you need to open your eyes. Why do we sit here and do these jobs? Obey these rules? live these lives? I want to cross that line, I want to be the thing everyone wants to be, but is afraid to be it.(sic) I just want to be who I really am, and find my true capacity of life. Wake up on different sides of the earth, experience it all. Help everyone understand that they can be free. And so I set here and obey the rules. Break Free? I will never understand it all. I will never figure out why I am me. Can I talk but not be me? "Let's be so proud of me." Wake up.........
So anyway..that is it. Love it or leave it. Rant over...out..
November 18, 1999. Well here are some thoughts..(Yes this is what I think about...sad isn't it?) Do you ever think how we are inches away from Death everyday? How someone can live to be 99 but a 16 year old gets killed the week they get their license? Do you ever think that when you drive you are literally feet away from sometimes, certain death? Once false move and bam..That is it. All these people obeying the rules of society and life. Don't cross the line, becareful. Think how very thin that line of reality is. There is such a small line that separates us all from the insane. What is stopping someone from just going crazy? From just driving in the wrong lane? From shooting people? From anything..I mean don't think I am loosing it here. It is just a thought. This world is heald together by a thin thread of "behavioral glue" that holds us together. One slight step over that line and things could be disaster. We sometimes seem to be pre-programmed by life to do what we do, say what we say, and act how we act. Are we really real? What is real? What if you took away all the petty differences, the contributing factors that influence us all, and just left us...What would we be?
November 15, 1999. Well I saw Dogma..Um, it was okay. Nothing that great..Just..Okay..Don't see it if you get offended.(So does that mean everyone?) Okay here are some more thoughts..Do you ever realize that people don't normally care about you or another person until they are gone? I mean you can be "friends" with someone forever but never talk to them, then all of a sudden when you leave they want to be be your best friend. "Oh write me! I will miss you!" What is that all about? You write them and they seem concerned, then after awhile they don't care again. Then you come back, then they will say "Oh I missed you!" I am kind of going against my point with those statements but you get the idea. And what about when people die. People will come out of the wood work to be someone's "friend" after they die. "Oh, they were such a great person." "I will miss them." If that person was so great why didn't you tell them? Why didn't you spend more time with them? Either you like them or you don't. Please don't be fake about it. What is it about people that makes them want to be a part of someones life after they die? Like when someone in a band dies, their CD sells will go up. Or a movie star, the rentals of their movies go up..If you don't like me now, don't try to be my friend later. Especially after I am dead. Quit wasting your time in life, if you actually like someone tell them. Spend time with them, let them know..Life is too short to be stupid. And don't try to act like you care after the fact. Don't try to be a friend when someone leaves. Just let them go. If you are really apart of their lives, they will see you again. If not, don't worry about it. That is all for now...
November 14,1999. Well..I have noticed (Thanks Raygun for the Info) that my guestbook is becoming a "slam on me" book. I really hope these people leave it alone. Enough with that. Um, I am going to see Dogma tonight, so I will let you know what I think if I remember. I went to Branson, MO yesterday with my mother, that was crazy. People everywhere! Like I have said before, and I will say many times again. People drive me nuts. I am not talking about the people at Branson here, I am talking about "so called Friends". People will sell you out at the drop of a hat. I mean I am the same way too, so I am talking about myself here also. I try not to be, and of course it is more obvious when it is happening to you. I just mean that you think someone would be, or is your friend then, boom..Well they are talking bad about you, or they don't REALLY care. I get so tired of that. You really try to be nice to someone and they just don't care. Forget them. That is why I tend to just cut off relationships. If you don't care, why should I? Just forget it, I will never talk to you again and that will be that. You can't trust anyone, (Thanks X-Files). On other notes..hmm. I think of tons of stuff to say on this page during the week but I forget them. Oh, do you ever think it is strange how reality is just seems like a state of mind? I mean if people just stopped being who they are, society could go crazy. Well like, what if you just became bored with who you are and what you do? Why couldn't you just stop it? Why couldn't you just start another life? Society doesn't work that way you say? I know, it is just a thought. I mean society and life puts these labels on you and your life and that is who you are for as long as your on this earth. What if you don't want to be that person anymore? What if you wanted to live somewhere else, have a different name, get a totally new job, do everything different than you do now. It is just a thought. Maybe I should write a book about that..Well bye for now..If you have any thoughts about this, let me know..
November 2, 1999. Well lets see what I can talk about..I really want to get more active on this page but I get lazy..Well I saw Fight Club, and then read the book. I really liked them both. I highly recommend going and seeing Fight Club..Very good. I saw Garbage and Lit. I ended up going with my friend Erica. We met Lit afterwards and got some autographs. They were really nice. Some girl in one of my classes is first cousins with the singer I guess. Hmm..Small world. I did that Talent Show too. I don't have much to say about that. It was fun, and I guess people liked it. Those things are hard to tell. Billy Corgan and James Iha played at the Bridge School Benefit on Oct 30 and 31. They played a new song..Very cool. Well here is just a little rant. I am so sick and tired of people saying they will do something and then they don't do it. It seems you can't rely on anyone. I know there are spelling mistakes on this, but it makes it all the more real. Or just sloppy. My Halloween was just another day. I went to a "party" that my work was having and it was for little kids. So I stood around a watched families and thier kids having fun. A friend told me in a letter, (hope she doesn't mind that I quoted her here) this got me thinking..."When little kids sit around and talk about what they want to do when they "grow up" they are talking about this exact time in my life.." That is me...That is her..That is all of us...The time is now..
Well today is October 13, 1999. Ya ya, I haven't typed anything to this in awhile so I should have something to say, right? Well you would think that, but it isn't quite true. I really think no one reads this anyway so it doesn't matter. I have just been going to school and working. My college is having a talent show for Homecoming and I am going to enter. You can win $100 bucks for first prize. I realy don't care if I win, I just want to do it, and know that I can pull it off. I am sure I can, but it will be a test that I need to have. And it will be fun too. Well is should be. Fight Club comes out this Friday. I will probably go see it Saturday night. So I might tell you what I think. I am going to see Garbage and Lit on the 24th of this month. I have seen Garbage before in Boston in 95 or 96?? at Axis. It is a smaller club. But I haven't seen Lit and I really want to see them. Their new CD is really good. Um..I think that is all I want to tell now. No really deep thoughts today..So I will talk to all 2 of you later!
9/28/99..Well I can't decide what this page is going to actually become. I guess if I get bored and want to type something I will put it on here. I haven't been doing much of anything lately. Just working and going to school. I have been working on several new songs that I am putting on a tape for my Friend Janey. Oh, if anyone would ever like a tape of some of our demo's let me know. They are not the greatest quality but you will be able to get an idea what the music is like. For example on this tape for Janey I think I have around 20 different songs on it. So that is about it. There are a lot of bands coming out with some good stuff. NIN, Bush, Counting Crows, Superdrag..A lot of bands I like. Go to Pollstar online to find out when people are touring! Well I guess that is it. If anyone reads this stuff, drop me an email so I am not just typing to myself!
Okay this will be my first rant here. Today is Tues, 9/21/99. I am so sick of people just honestly being traders. I don't know how else to say it. You think you can trust someone, and well forget it, you can't. Surprise surprise, huh? I bought the new NIN cd's today. I like it so far. It isn't a Smashing Pumpkins album, but different and good all the same. I guess that was a lame rant. ha haa..I don't know. I will add some poems soon. They are in my car so I will get them later. Here is something I wrote about a month ago.
Degradation of youth today. No one knows what you do when you're away. How many times can we do things until we are callused? Extreme living for extreme times will send you spiraling down the wrong path. The Path of least resistance is so easy to follow. I'm giving out awards today and you won for the most beautiful.
I was going to add on the end of that. But well, not now. I just wanted to get this page up now. I will add tons of stuff later.
Here are a few poems I have written this semester while I am falling to sleep in my classes.
THere they are, feel free to email me and tell me if they stink or something! More junk to be added soon..
Hey, wanna go back to my home page and you don't know how to push the back button? Push here.
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