A Soul

I feel shame
I feel regret
I feel pain that hasn't even happened yet

It's gotten so hard to respect myself
Even by knowing the things I have felt
Maybe because of some things I have felt

Should I believe
In a soul I can't see?
Is there such a spirit inside of me?
Is it here?
Is it gone?
Was it taken away
(Locked in a photograph,
Sold to the devil)?
If I love it enough,
Will it stay?

I feel loved
I feel betrayed
I miss friends that I never even made

I've gotten so used to rejecting myself
Maybe it's time to reject what I've felt
Maybe it's time to respect myself

I am a soul
From what I see
Everything I am is me
I am here
I am strong
You can push me away
(Locked in isolation,
Cold on the outside),
But my love is enough.
I will stay.

I feel love
I feel sane
I feel pain
Fading away.

PUBLICATION: The Leader, Nov. 8, 1999, SUNY College at Fredonia.

HISTORY: By the time I wrote this poem, I had finally escaped Corning Community College, and had already finished my first semester at SUNY College at Fredonia.
During (and before) my initial Fredonia semester (Fall 1998), I had experienced various social highs and lows similar to those I'd already gone through at Corning Community College. Fortunately, I had also acquainted myself with some genuine friends, in Corning and Fredonia.
One of these friends was Cindy Clark, who was my pen pal during the month-long winter break that would precede my second semester at Fredonia. While spending my break back at my home in Corning, I wrote various letters to Cindy. Not used to recieving letters from friends on a regular basis, I was pleased that Cindy was replying to my mail.
Knowing of her interest in poetry, I sent Cindy this poem with my second letter to her. The poem was written at 5 A.M. on a sleepless night during the break. It was me summing up my past social and romantic experiences, my long-standing pessimism about them, and my finally being satisfied with who I was at that time.
(Also included are references to my recently-ended relationship with my second girlfriend, who broke up with me after three months of dating. By coincidence, this piece was written exactly one month after said break-up.)
The following Fall semester, Cindy helped to get this poem (and another one) published in a special edition of Fredonia's campus newspaper. By this time, Cindy had become my girlfriend.